9.04.2016

The reason i wanted to break up was because i thought he didn't do anything when things get bad between us. He didn't make me stay.
But
If he wasn't already the guy i wanted, why do i love him so much?
Why am i so scared of losing him when i already am?
Did i do anything to make him stay before?
Sigh.

I write a lot. That's how i deliver what i feel perfectly. I don't do talking very well without risking my emotional stability. During an argument, he told me that i write more than i act to prove him that our relationship was worthy.
Well, that's true, sort of.
So, i started to act more.
I went to see him. I called him. I brought him food. I even hid a love note under the pot at his house, which is like 13 kilometers. 
And i felt like a stalker doing that. But it's fine, i think. As long as it could save "us". I'd play stupid, nvm.
Because it's my fault we broke up.
It's my fault he fell out of love just like the others.
It's my fault for not treating him right.
It's my fault i hadn't been the great girlfriend.
So it's okay to be the dumb girl winning over her boyfriend's heart, as long as what i do will make him remember why he loved me at the first place.
That's what i foolishly thought.

It proves that i don't need alcohol to make me do silly things. I already am.
I always always always love with all my heart.
And playing this part is just too much when he told me that his feeling had long gone when things turned bad and he didn't feel loved. He told me he'd accompany me till i moved on. But things couldn't be the same.
Right. I am not playing victim, but what he said..was heartless.

Part of me is getting crazier, thinking he still loves me, then i should simply try harder and be the good girl he wanted. Maybe, maybe we could fall in love again. Maybe i hurt him and i was too much he couldn't handle me. I didn't do things for him when he was always there to take care of me. 

The other part of me keeps reminding myself that he "fell out of love" on his own will;
"he isn't willing to come back";
"what? Did he do sth when things were bad with you two?";
"It's useless."
"he wouldn't be this cynical if he really loved you"

But how?
How do i live this dichotomy?
How could i go on without listening to my heart breaking each time i take a step?
How could i stay without lying to myself all the time?
Yea, I am fucking stuck.

Seeing him taking pics happily with his mates make me jealous.
Why am i crying while he is laughing?
Why can't i be as happy as he is?
Why am i the only one struggling?
Sometimes i laugh so much i bursted to tears, i go to gym and join the cathartic body combat class and almost burst to tears when i use all my rage. Sometimes, i can't help crying in the shower.

All this self-blame is getting into me, maybe one day when i am crazy enough, i'd either kill myself or be a serial killer who murder all the men who broke my heart. 
Great i sound crazy now.


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