9.06.2016

Bestie of the year goes to..

What did i do to deserve a bestie like you, Clar?
She has been my support system for at least a week by now.
I talk to her about crazy and stupid things that i wanna do every day, from texting her what i wanna say to him, the picture of my suicide spot and how i wanted to go see my boyfriend just bcs it was raining and it made me sad. I'm glad i seek help from the right person so i haven't done anything regrettable.

She knocked some sense to me. She objectively pointed out my mistakes without any criticism. Okay, now i understand why JT always said that i was childish and that we have a problem in expressing ourselves.
I am not "childish" childish...I am childish bcs i am way too emotional in which i am a super vulnerable crybaby. I also don't think through of each of my action. I hurt him too without me knowing.
He cared about me but i, blinded by insecurity and love, absentmindedly killed his feelings. I get that. 
This is what i need from the very beginning. I should have seek Clar before situation flipped.

We also find it hard to communicate bcs as Clar said, we are both stubborn. Both sensitive. He might say things that was rather subtle in meaning, but the way he expressed it.. just doesn't sound very nice.
Plus, i am the emotional one. Whenever i sense negativity in his sentence, my blood boils and i reacts with my emotion. Once again, without thinking twice.
Just like the day i wanted to break up.  I didn't think through. My brain needs expansion, i guess.

I feel better listening to her story and her advice. I know myself better now. I know things that i must and must not do in the coming relationship.
I promise myself, i won't cry during arguments anymore. I won't do/ say hurtful things without thinking for at least two days, I will be more patient and lovelier and more importantly, i will find someone new. That's for sure.

Thank you for showing how stupid and childish i had been. It won't happen anymore, promise.

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