I haven't returned everything he gave to me, most importantly, the memories.
I can't get rid of them. Deep inside, i know i can never love anyone the way i love him. No matter how hard i try to hide things related to him, i cannot escape him in my memory.
Thinking about dying was the craziest thing a craziness like me could do, i should've wished for a memory loss instead.


Me: If you want to die, then die. Don't live with a dead soul. Just don't. Don't be that pathetic, sad, worthless woman begging for a man to stay. He'll come around if he really did love you.
Also me: I still love him, but I won't do anything stupid that will make him the cause of it anymore.. I don't want him to be sad, or to hate me. 



Bestie of the year goes to..

What did i do to deserve a bestie like you, Clar?
She has been my support system for at least a week by now.
I talk to her about crazy and stupid things that i wanna do every day, from texting her what i wanna say to him, the picture of my suicide spot and how i wanted to go see my boyfriend just bcs it was raining and it made me sad. I'm glad i seek help from the right person so i haven't done anything regrettable.

She knocked some sense to me. She objectively pointed out my mistakes without any criticism. Okay, now i understand why JT always said that i was childish and that we have a problem in expressing ourselves.
I am not "childish" childish...I am childish bcs i am way too emotional in which i am a super vulnerable crybaby. I also don't think through of each of my action. I hurt him too without me knowing.
He cared about me but i, blinded by insecurity and love, absentmindedly killed his feelings. I get that. 
This is what i need from the very beginning. I should have seek Clar before situation flipped.

We also find it hard to communicate bcs as Clar said, we are both stubborn. Both sensitive. He might say things that was rather subtle in meaning, but the way he expressed it.. just doesn't sound very nice.
Plus, i am the emotional one. Whenever i sense negativity in his sentence, my blood boils and i reacts with my emotion. Once again, without thinking twice.
Just like the day i wanted to break up.  I didn't think through. My brain needs expansion, i guess.

I feel better listening to her story and her advice. I know myself better now. I know things that i must and must not do in the coming relationship.
I promise myself, i won't cry during arguments anymore. I won't do/ say hurtful things without thinking for at least two days, I will be more patient and lovelier and more importantly, i will find someone new. That's for sure.

Thank you for showing how stupid and childish i had been. It won't happen anymore, promise.


The reason i wanted to break up was because i thought he didn't do anything when things get bad between us. He didn't make me stay.
If he wasn't already the guy i wanted, why do i love him so much?
Why am i so scared of losing him when i already am?
Did i do anything to make him stay before?

I write a lot. That's how i deliver what i feel perfectly. I don't do talking very well without risking my emotional stability. During an argument, he told me that i write more than i act to prove him that our relationship was worthy.
Well, that's true, sort of.
So, i started to act more.
I went to see him. I called him. I brought him food. I even hid a love note under the pot at his house, which is like 13 kilometers. 
And i felt like a stalker doing that. But it's fine, i think. As long as it could save "us". I'd play stupid, nvm.
Because it's my fault we broke up.
It's my fault he fell out of love just like the others.
It's my fault for not treating him right.
It's my fault i hadn't been the great girlfriend.
So it's okay to be the dumb girl winning over her boyfriend's heart, as long as what i do will make him remember why he loved me at the first place.
That's what i foolishly thought.

It proves that i don't need alcohol to make me do silly things. I already am.
I always always always love with all my heart.
And playing this part is just too much when he told me that his feeling had long gone when things turned bad and he didn't feel loved. He told me he'd accompany me till i moved on. But things couldn't be the same.
Right. I am not playing victim, but what he said..was heartless.

Part of me is getting crazier, thinking he still loves me, then i should simply try harder and be the good girl he wanted. Maybe, maybe we could fall in love again. Maybe i hurt him and i was too much he couldn't handle me. I didn't do things for him when he was always there to take care of me. 

The other part of me keeps reminding myself that he "fell out of love" on his own will;
"he isn't willing to come back";
"what? Did he do sth when things were bad with you two?";
"It's useless."
"he wouldn't be this cynical if he really loved you"

But how?
How do i live this dichotomy?
How could i go on without listening to my heart breaking each time i take a step?
How could i stay without lying to myself all the time?
Yea, I am fucking stuck.

Seeing him taking pics happily with his mates make me jealous.
Why am i crying while he is laughing?
Why can't i be as happy as he is?
Why am i the only one struggling?
Sometimes i laugh so much i bursted to tears, i go to gym and join the cathartic body combat class and almost burst to tears when i use all my rage. Sometimes, i can't help crying in the shower.

All this self-blame is getting into me, maybe one day when i am crazy enough, i'd either kill myself or be a serial killer who murder all the men who broke my heart. 
Great i sound crazy now.