7.10.2016

A new job!

Hi.

I'm here to update my life event today and not some mellow dramatic confession, lol.
This year is a great one.
It's the golden year of mine. I found a new love interest, I graduated, I traveled on my own (sort of), i had a job interview and.. i got my first full-time job. It starts tomorrow. Yeay..?
Tbh, thinking about it make me sick. It's like going back to school. In the past years, i had no grudge over Mondays or any other weekdays bcs I am that girl who never has to wake up early for school or work. But tomorrow after a three-month old holiday, I'm starting to hate weekdays again...i think.
No more work-outs in the morning, god pls help me stay in shape.
Wake me up at 6 in the morning too, perhaps. Oh god, i only did a few times a year, not so sure about making it a habitual discipline.
Give me strength to absorb whatever things I'm gonna learn at work and make sure I don't screw up bcs i wasn't born ready to get yelled at.
I am so nervous.
The kind of nervous when you're not ready to go to school but you have to, onlh this time no one's gonna call your parents bcs once you fck up, all the employees will know you and laugh at you for the whole year before you could end your work contract or even worse, you won't get a referral at any other company. Horrific enough?
*nods*
I am thinking of sharing about my past 3 months travel diaries, but nvm, i can do it tomorrow. Now i gotta sleep at 10 pm like a baby. I dont wanna come late on my first day.

7.09.2016

I want him to

I want him to tell me he loves me without me asking about it.
I want him to remind me of how much he loves me everyday.
I want him to buy me donuts on my rough day.
I want him to hug me when i get upset with him.
I want him to take me out on a fancy dinner once in a while.
I want him to come right away when I freakin need him.
I want him to see me like I am his world and he wants me so badly.
I want him to feel proud and lucky to have me.
I want to be his motivation, his sweet heart.
But I think..it's just me who feels that way. 
I've never said that to him bcs I don't want him to think that I demand too much of him.
I don't wanna give him any pressure.

Sometimes I question myself if it's right. I wonder what would happen if i hadn't tried so hard to bottle up my feelings. It would have been over long time ago, i guess.
I stay though there are days and nights when I wanted to say the "L word" but didn't bcs he never say it to me anymore or bcs I was afraid that he'd leave any second.
I could sense the distance between us.
Maybe he gets bored of me sulking.
He gets tired whenever I over react.
He gets sick of not making me as happy as he wants me to be.
Maybe this, maybe that.
But i have a feeling that i am going to cry really hard in a near time if this keeps going.

7.06.2016

I cried the first time I sang along with it. Familiar, no?

We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
As you drive me to my house
I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine

But I know this, we got a love that is homeless

Why can't I hold you in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

I don't wanna live love this way
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday
When you hold me in the street
And you kiss me on the dance floor
I wish that we could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours

Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

Why can't we be like that?
Wish we could be like that

--Little Mix, Secret love Song Part II


7.04.2016

I'd always forgive you.
I'd be the one to apologize after we fought.
I'd always sacrifice my feelings.
I'd settle for you, even when you rarely meet my expectation.
I can't promise you a relationship without fights and argument, but as long as you are trying, I am staying.


THAT was my draft 10 hours ago. 
I had a fight with JT again, and all I ever thought was "solving" it. Till a friend of mine dropped by and i started spilling hints unexpectedly.
Everything i heard was "that's not right", "you're being soft", "you dont deserve this" and many other stuff that-believe me- i did think about after every fight.
But why did I stay again? 
Oh, that classic one. Same reason everybody uses to trick themselves.
Love.
I have some insight, though. Thank you, friend.