3.19.2016

Stay

Why did bad things happen right when I was ready to feel again?
Taking in sb new is a BIG deal for me.
It's a big deal to trust, to understand, and to love.
It's a big deal to be open about all the brokenness, all the ugly parts to someone who might or might not accept me for who I am.
It's a big deal to imagine a future with all the good and bad of that someone. 
It's a big deal to accept his family, his friends, his behaviors, his perspective.
All because I take it seriously.
Because when I take him in, it means I am ready to fall for him, and I need him to catch me. 
So it is a big deal.

Long story short, if you read my previous post, I was talking about how happy I was with this normal  relationship vibe. I felt like I finally found someone who could treat me right, laugh with me and maybe even love me. 
It wasn't easy at first, with all my pickiness and his background to consider, (it's a big deal) but I made it work even though he was not perfect.
I embraced his flaws, I tried to understand the situation, and I stopped complaining after a short while.
I never thought that he would mean so much in a short time.

I remember the first time we met, he was as stiff as a robot. He didn't make my face blush or my heart race. I even told my friend that I might not be interested.
But he put on a lot of effort. He made me believe in him. Even without his knowing, I love everything he did.
He was there when i put my braces and he made himself available for me the next day, he remembered all the little things i said such as my intention to buy yoga mat, he accompanied me on my big day when I had my green table exam. What would I have done without him? 
Oh, we even fed the deer at the park beside my college. That was the most memorable one, bcs in these 3.5 years of college, I have never taken a close look at the deer. 
He read my blog since the very beginning. He told me that I'd write a story about us on my blog one day and it would be a happy ending one, haha.
I still remember every detail. Everything he said and did. And I'd never forget the cheesy nickname.

Then time passes, and with all his effort and his patience in handling me.. I felt safe with him. I felt comfortable to spend my time with him. We had midnight calls and I don't even give away my sleeping time for exam but I could talk to him for hours.
He admitted about his struggle when he first asked me out, or when he sent the CNY cake to my work. I found it really sweet.
And then he asked me: "why didnt you feel bored with me already? I am a boring person"
I said I didnt know why. He told me everything about him but rarely did I do the same.
I know that. I just haven't found out by that time that I felt lucky to have him.

He made me very happy. He made me realize that he was good enough for me.
I thought we had it together.
I thought we could make it.
But he didn't.
Maybe I wasn't what he expected.
He said we were too different and that it cannot be helped.
Why now?
I was just learning to fall in love again but he gave up on us.
He gave up.

Losing him saddens me. Mainly bcs I couldn't blame him. Bcs in my eyes, he is still a good guy. But do you know what hurt me the most? 
His reluctance to try and his pessimistic attitude towards me. He didn't believe in me as much as I believed in him. 
He doesn't want to be with me. This makes me hate myself. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with him. 
There are so many things I wanted to tell him when we got better.
On the phone, we talked for hours last night. About how he felt like a different person when we were together, about how childish I had been, about how these traits of ours can't be forced to work.
So today was the last time we met. We went out for lunch and I just broke down.
I wish I had asked him to stay. I wish I could make him stay.
But it would be childish as he said.
So all I did was cry.



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