3.23.2016

My final paper is done. Finished. Yes.
And guess who was the person I thought of telling it first?
Him.
Mygod.
This is why it's a big deal.
Because i get too attached. Always.
Keeping myself busy day and night is effective only IF I could sleep at midnight.
It kinda sucks when i miss him but i can never let him know because i have this feeling that he is doing fine without me anyways.

The first day was the hardest.
I woke up early for gym but as soon as I went out from there, I could smell his perfume in that crowded place. I think i miss him.
I cried in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I think i miss him.
I listen to the same sad songs again and again. I think i miss him.
It's Tuesday. Like the ones when I went to his place. 
Why the hell am i still thinking about this?
I will eventually get better. 

Why do I feel sad every time I read this? 


Heartbreak does no good for anyone.
It makes you run back to had old habits.
It makes you take up bad new habits.
It makes you miss him.
It makes you seek love from the wrong guy.
It makes you a heart-breaker too.


3.19.2016

Goodbyes

Goodbyes don't really sink in 
Until you see them walk away
But your broken pieces still hope 
That they will come home someday

-Anna Hoekstra

Stay

Why did bad things happen right when I was ready to feel again?
Taking in sb new is a BIG deal for me.
It's a big deal to trust, to understand, and to love.
It's a big deal to be open about all the brokenness, all the ugly parts to someone who might or might not accept me for who I am.
It's a big deal to imagine a future with all the good and bad of that someone. 
It's a big deal to accept his family, his friends, his behaviors, his perspective.
All because I take it seriously.
Because when I take him in, it means I am ready to fall for him, and I need him to catch me. 
So it is a big deal.

Long story short, if you read my previous post, I was talking about how happy I was with this normal  relationship vibe. I felt like I finally found someone who could treat me right, laugh with me and maybe even love me. 
It wasn't easy at first, with all my pickiness and his background to consider, (it's a big deal) but I made it work even though he was not perfect.
I embraced his flaws, I tried to understand the situation, and I stopped complaining after a short while.
I never thought that he would mean so much in a short time.

I remember the first time we met, he was as stiff as a robot. He didn't make my face blush or my heart race. I even told my friend that I might not be interested.
But he put on a lot of effort. He made me believe in him. Even without his knowing, I love everything he did.
He was there when i put my braces and he made himself available for me the next day, he remembered all the little things i said such as my intention to buy yoga mat, he accompanied me on my big day when I had my green table exam. What would I have done without him? 
Oh, we even fed the deer at the park beside my college. That was the most memorable one, bcs in these 3.5 years of college, I have never taken a close look at the deer. 
He read my blog since the very beginning. He told me that I'd write a story about us on my blog one day and it would be a happy ending one, haha.
I still remember every detail. Everything he said and did. And I'd never forget the cheesy nickname.

Then time passes, and with all his effort and his patience in handling me.. I felt safe with him. I felt comfortable to spend my time with him. We had midnight calls and I don't even give away my sleeping time for exam but I could talk to him for hours.
He admitted about his struggle when he first asked me out, or when he sent the CNY cake to my work. I found it really sweet.
And then he asked me: "why didnt you feel bored with me already? I am a boring person"
I said I didnt know why. He told me everything about him but rarely did I do the same.
I know that. I just haven't found out by that time that I felt lucky to have him.

He made me very happy. He made me realize that he was good enough for me.
I thought we had it together.
I thought we could make it.
But he didn't.
Maybe I wasn't what he expected.
He said we were too different and that it cannot be helped.
Why now?
I was just learning to fall in love again but he gave up on us.
He gave up.

Losing him saddens me. Mainly bcs I couldn't blame him. Bcs in my eyes, he is still a good guy. But do you know what hurt me the most? 
His reluctance to try and his pessimistic attitude towards me. He didn't believe in me as much as I believed in him. 
He doesn't want to be with me. This makes me hate myself. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with him. 
There are so many things I wanted to tell him when we got better.
On the phone, we talked for hours last night. About how he felt like a different person when we were together, about how childish I had been, about how these traits of ours can't be forced to work.
So today was the last time we met. We went out for lunch and I just broke down.
I wish I had asked him to stay. I wish I could make him stay.
But it would be childish as he said.
So all I did was cry.



3.16.2016

Normal-izing

Being single for so long plus binge-movies makes one not settle for less, but also not so great in practicing a face-to-face relationship in real life.
Take me, for instance.
I am in control of the kind of guy I want to date.
But.
The guy who deserves full checks on my list doesn't exist, or maybe not in my life, so I have to mourn and admit it.

And honestly, it's been so very long since the last time I felt like a normal person in a nearly normal date.
It felt great at first. Super average. (Average is good right?).
It felt nice to have someone by your side and maybe look at you rather special.
I thought it's what I wanted. Something "normal" and consistent. 

It turns out..
I realized why my dating history was bogus. Despite all the emotional attachment I had, despite what I said about seeing the good in his bad, I could never crown him the title. I loved him so much, but I wasn't ready to introduce him to my friends or family.
To love someone is to accept them for who they are. To boyfriend or husband him? It takes more than just love. It takes commitment and readiness to go public, to cover each other's back, to forgive and let go of whatever shit going through.

So.. I feel grateful for finally good normal stuff coming up.
I do.
I just hope that my moodswing won't come in the way. 

The Life Of An Oxytocin Addict- Part 3


The alarm rang three times.
06.27
07.09
07.22

The curtains are shielding the sunshine.
She is lying on the bed, hiding under a pinkish blanket.
The only light seen underneath is from the screen of her phone.
A picture of them holding hands at the beach.
Last night, she dreamt of the same guy she had been crying for.
It is really disturbing. 

She open the archived messages from him. Reading their last conversation, looking for the what wrong she had done. 
Suddenly, she remember something.
It's Friday. 
She grab her towel and jump into the shower.
Wearing her favorite pink T-shirt, she tie her hair up and drink a cup of infused-lemon water.
Quickly, she took a black sport bag with her and get going.
"Oh no..., it's too late to cycle.", she start the car in panic.
It's not "cycle" cycle. The building where Nat practices dancing offers many other kinds of exercises, one of which is cycling community that starts at 08.00 every day.

Nat arrive at 08.40.
She sighs when she sees the others cycling back from afar and waves at her.
She waves back with a bitter smile and walks into the locker.

"Hey Nat, are you coming?", her friend Mary asked.
"To..?", Nat wrinkles her puffy face.
"Dancing class? With the hot trainer?", Mary grinned.
"Oh, yeah. Friday 09.30.", Nat whispered to herself.
"Come with me? I'm new here, I don't know stuff.", with her magical eyes, Mary pled.
"Alright, alright. Let me grab my stuff", Nat nodded while shoving her bag and shoes in the space.
On their way, Mary told Nat that she had invited some friends to join the club.
And..
"Wow, it's really crowded today.", Nat mumbled.
"Hot trainer, remember?", Mary said as she swiftly secure a spot beside her besties: Nisa, May, and Rosie.
Nat is always the awkward one. She walk pass the trainer who is already standing in the center and she choose to stand behind Mary.
"Everybody, please pick a partner. We'll learn a new movement today.", Dylan instructed.
"The single one will be with me.", he added with a weird grin.
All of a sudden, everyone is already standing next to their partner. Confused, Nat could only stare at Dylan hoping he would pair her up with somebody else.
As if he could read her mind, he pointed at another loner and said "You, pair up with her".

The whole session was a great one because Nat learnt something new with the new trainer.
He is chatty. He talks a lot and he watches everyone thoroughly. When it comes to Nat, he corrected her pose and smiled.
He corrected everyone else, in fact. He seems like a perfectionist. But Nat was too high to notice.
Dylan came around and pushed her back forward when they were doing a ballerina pose. "Go, go, go you can do it.", he said.
Nat loves the way he pushes her to the limit. Sweat is dripping but Nat could only feel joy. 
The clock shows 11.00 when they enter the last track.
"It's done for today. But please stay where you are. Let's take a proper picture. We are getting to know each other.", Dylan suggested.
He asked some guy from outside to take the picture with his phone.
Everyone checks themselves in the mirros, forms beautiful poses and.. The shutter clicks a few times.
"Thanks everyone! If you want the picture, I'll tag you in instagram. Just tell me your ID.", he said.

Without wasting any more minute, Nat rushed back to change into her running shoes. She could see Dylan being swarmed by a number of girls including Mary and friends.
Their eyes met for a second, as if she entered a magnetic field, Nat came to him.
"I..want the picture", she said in hesitation.
"Sure, just tell him your username", Mary said as she left with the others.
"Yeah, what's your username?", he asked.
"Um, it's a little..can I?", Nat offered to type on it herself as it was somewhat embarassing.
She typed her username @nathequeen and returned his phone.
"Natasha Kenneth", Dylan whispered as he scroll down among her 128 pictures.
Nat peeked to the screen of his Samsung when he clicked the "follow" icon.
She then went for a run after saying thank you to him, but Dylan was suddenly behind her.
"Village girl!", he teased.

After a mile, Nat looked around but she couldn't see him anywhere. Suddenly, she became so curious about her new follower. She reduced her pace, unlocked her iPhone and started her 'investigation'. He had the weirdest username ever. 
"@Dylan_cheesecake?? Seriously?", she shook her head not believing what she just read.
She smiles, thinking that they have something in common-which is annoyingly weird username.
Apparently, he took many mirror selfies showing off his muscles, more than any normal guy should. 
She scoffed in disgust.
"He is totally not photogenic no matter how good looking he is in real life.", she mumbled
After 3 months deep, she saw something she shouldn't have.
She sat on a bench near the building and she looked closely.
It's Dylan's selfie with a woman.
Who is she?
Presumably his girlfriend.