Behind every desperation, there was once a hope.

I am scared.
What if nobody ever love me like i love them?
What if nobody ever stay long enough to find out about my favorite movie? My favorite spot to cry? My worst habit and my strangest face?

The reason i gave up my back-burners was bcs i thought it's better to live alone than try to be nice with those I am not interested with. I thought there would be no difference with or without those who clearly have no place in my life. I thought it's a waste of both our time, talking about stuff that wouldn't matter anyway. I thought i'd be a bad person by giving off some false hopes. I thought i don't deserve that kind of love. I deserve more. I deserve someone who'd move mountains if he had to. I deserve a mad love.

When people start judging me for being picky (no...well yes,umm..) or even worse, saying that I prefer the bad boys.... Here's the thing. I don't. I wouldn't lie, bad boys are tempting and fun, and any normal girls would get their heart tickled once in a while but I have MY preference. And sadly i just haven't met him yet, and coincidentally those bad boys picked me and made me their victim and voila!

Maybe I gave off that "victimized" vibes, or i am a psychological masochist. I enjoy the torture, the heart-wrecking relationships. Either way, it's not what i want, to be involved with the bad ones.
Maybe, ever since i revealed my darkest side, as cliché as it sounds, i just dont think i deserve someone so kind. I mean, a person like me needs a person like me. 

But in the early of new year (still) i tried to change my own mind. I want to give it a shot. To get to know people I think would never belong in my life. And my inner-god screams bcs it sounds like I am lowering my standards (major break in life principle). 

Well, I am just scared of the following bleak days. 

1 comment:

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