Long lost family

Die diery,

You know what made my day?
My uncle came back from Jakarta and visited our home. I haven't seen him or talked to him for..10 years. 
And then I saw my cousin! I can't remember his face the last time I saw him. I can't even remember if we had ever talked before.
I recall shopping with his sister when we were young and nothing else.
But when I saw him and my uncle, my eyes just lighted up and I embraced them.
Maybe it's a little awkward, like when I hugged my cousin whom I might not have talked to in the past. 
My bad, I was a super shy girl.

These years, I could only see him and his sister through Instagram, just like what I did to my other cousins in Jakarta. And I realize that we've all grown up. He is super tall. And he seems friendly. While my uncle, he's getting fatter lol. They are my family and as ridiculous as it sounds, I really want to get to know them.

Sometimes I envy people with big family and close relatives. I do. I have one brother who confines himself 80% of the time. Cousins would be nice you know...


7 signs your friendship is BS

Nobody can survive alone. Introvert or extrovert, we need other human to live with because our psychological well-being depends on ourselves and environment.
Beside our own blood lines, they often come as people we call friends.
Based on the phenomenon happening in my own life, I notice that the friendship we made is most likely superficial.
Unless your friend(s) was there when your dog died; or came to your house, logged in to your laptop and talked nonsense; or bought you breakfast because he or she knew you always skip your breakfast; or shared deep secrets that nobody knows about.. Then you have every right to reconsider them as your best friends. 

The following are 7 signs your friendship is superficial:
1. The meaningless hang out/ You are just a hang-out friend
Of course you'll choose to hang out with people you are most comfortable with, the people you call friends or even best friends. One day one of your friends found the hippiest place in town and asked you out. When you get there you guys simply sit down, be with cellphone at all time, eat, joke a little, cellphone again, take pictures and..let's go homeeee.
The next time you asked them out, they didn't respond because they didn't feel like doing it. Why? Because it's meaningless! Plus you are the side dish.

2. Disguised sister/brotherhood
Fine, you told him/ her your no. #1 secret because he/ she is your best-est friend. He/ She'd keep asking how you were doing and asking about your progress. But when your other friends mocked you or attacked you (incidentally) about something related to your secrets, he/ she did not help you out. Or worse, you bursted to tears (because you were a sensitive piece of shit, sorry, because you were having too much in your chest) and everyone was baffled and shocked. Then YOUR SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND, looking shocked, asked, "what's going on/ what is wrong with you?".
You might thought, "Don't you already knew WHY? You insensitive arse (not necessarily to this extent)"
Right there. They might have been listening to your problems out of curiosity. That's it. They didn't give their slightest empathy to you, my dear.

3. You talk behind each other's back
I don't have to elaborate this, but be honest to yourself please. Do you still hang out with people that you bad-mouthed or vice versa?
Are you that hypocrite to admit? So are your superficial friends.

4. They abandon you
Let's say one day, your bad-luck hit you and you tripped over banana skin or whatever. Nobody could send you home so you speed-dialed your bestie to come over and pick you up. But you came to disappointment because he/she is queuing for Starbucks and you were suggested to call a taxi.
5. They are judgemental bitches
Ever since I learn Psychology, I understand that all humans have different ways to perceive their own problems. One might cry so much when their parents got divorced, other might feel better with the divorce. 
The weight of each event lies beneath ourselves. And if they ARE your friends who are supposed to know and understand how emotional or neurotic you are, they won't belittle you or your problem by complaining how much of a drama queen you are. Your friends should be those who support you and cheer you up at your worst day, not those who judge you AND make you judge/ blame/ loathe yourself.

6. You don't grow 
People who love you will never do such things that make you feel less than what you are. Funny jokes are meant to freshen up the friendship, but constant rude jokes are called verbal bullying and it's a total friendship-destroyer.
You might have gone to the same school and they made jokes out of you all the time. But at your 20s? Every time you meet, instead of catching up, they are still exactly the same kiddos you met at highschool who bullied you (but this time, with higher intensity).
You don't exchange new information and you don't even share experiences.
Or maybe the two of of you did share experiences, but your friend bragged about A to Z and you were listening like he/she was the rockstar and you were just an audience. No darling, no. If your friend were a rockstar, he/she would bring you to the stage and not treat you like a minion.

7. They are simply opportunists
People who "friended" you to take advantage from you are not your friends. I repeat. You're treasure only when you provide their needs. 
"Oh, I forgot. I only exist when you need me."

I am not the perfect friend, but I would drive a great length for you. I would call you up when you are having a bad day. I would share my favorite ice cream with you. I would support you at your first day working. I would even visit you at the hospital every day if you were sick.
I would do that but I need you to appreciate me for who I am. I need you not to feel hesitate to ask for my advice or to tell your secrets. I need you to be there when I said I needed a drink. I need your shoulders when I cry.
I need reciprocity and I need you to be real.

Rest in peace, auntie

I lost my second auntie two days ago.
Even though we are not the kind of family that hang out at weekends, she was one the closest I have left.
It was sad, knowing that she passed away so suddenly. 
I met her last month at my uncle's house. 

Every first day of lunar new year, we usually visit her and her house is always full of guests. She would cook a lot of food and make her own cookies. She would also visit us on the third or forth day of new year and talk about many many stuffs till very late.
This year will be different.

Well, that's life.
It ends when it ends. 


The Life of An Oxytocin Addict - Part 2

"Good job guys, see you again on Friday", Dylan said as he high-fived everybody on their way out of the room.
As the session was over, Nat went back to the locker to change. 
"400 calories more to burn. Screw you, dinner!", she whispered to the mirror. Nat does realize that she might be suffering from bulimia.
Besides, she needed to lose weight after the whole post-heartbreak binge-eating.

She put on her headset and walked out of the building, circling the field. 
Melancholic song was her company. No, she wasn't sad. It was just her mood swing.
The field was already empty after her third circle as everybody had rushed home soon after the training was dismissed.
She enjoys being alone. She thought it's a luxury to be alone. It's an art to learn to love oneself when he or she is alone.
She loves the peacefulness, the wind and the post-workout feeling.

"Hey. You new in the club?", a voice came from behind her.
"What?", Nat took off the wires and turned her head. She could see the new trainer running right behind her.
"Oh, no, no. I've been there for a few months", she answered in reflex.

"Well, then it's your first in my class I assume", he continued.
"Yeah, that's right", replied Nat.
"So.. You took Ronnie's classes? And Vanessa's?", he asked, trying to make a conversation.
"Yeah", Nat cut it short because
 the fact is that she enjoys Ronnie's classes more than the other resident trainers'. "By the way I've never seen you too.",  Nat added, catching the cue.  
"I just moved to this club last week. Are you working or something?", he speed up.

Nat tried to pull herself together and slow down her pace.
"No.. I am a student at the campus over there" said Nat while hiding her deprived social-skill. 
Overwhelmed, he asked, "That one? The so-called best college in the city?"
"Uh-uh", she scoffed.
"Do you live around here?", he added.
"No. It's a quite far from here.", feeling hesitate of telling too much about herself, she stopped.
Dylan wrinkled, expecting a full answer. 
"It's..near the Chinatown. What about you?", she stopped and grabbed the hand towel around her neck, wiping the sweat running down her face. 
"I'm at Fairmount", he smiled.
Nat rolled her eyes at him and exclaimed, "That's so far away!"
"Chinatown is a lot further man. Fairmount is like the heart of the city, you can go anywhere from there", he defended himself.
Nat shook his head and said, "No, no Fairmount is a suburb. It's so far away from my place."
"From your place,huh. Then your place is suburb", he bursted to laugh.
"No way!", she laughed knowing she can't win that.

He was not running for himself. Nat could sense it because he gave it away so easily.
It was a nice day and he made her feel even better. 
The leaves were rustling, she wore her headset back and changed the music into the "Feeling Good" playlist.
She keeps 5 playlists in her iPod which describes each of her emotion.
Her face started to turn reddish. 
"So.. You train in the mornings?", he broke the silence.
"Yeah, mostly.", she nodded.
She glanced at Dylan and they caught each other's eyes.
"Village woman!" 
"Village man!"
They laughed like they were already friends.
"I'm gonna shower now. See you later.", Dylan said.
"Great, see you", Nat replied with a smile. 
So the conversation ended. And like the saying goes, every ending is a new beginning.
But she went on running without knowing.


The Life of An Oxytocin Addict - Part 1

This morning is a fresh one.
The morning she has been missing, the one she wakes up to with no questions; or obsessive thoughts of the guy who dumped her two months ago.
She showered. She looked into the mirror, she touched her eyes. Her swollen eyes are still there. The ugly eye bags are hanging casually. 
But who cares?
"I didn't cry my eyes out, that's good news", she said to herself as she was tying up her ponytail. 

Like every other mornings, she is going to the club. Her favorite place to spend time, to find peace.
She ran one mile, as usual, before the training session.
Then, she rushed into the club and waited for her trainer, Ronnie.
15 minutes has passed. There is no sign of him. She waited, alongside with the other ten members, while scrolling over Instagram feed to kill time.
30 minutes now. He hasn't showed up.
Just when some members started chirping about leaving, somebody walked in the room. 
A handsome tall young man, wearing black sleeveless shirt and blue shorts. He rushed in, put down his sports bag and said, "Sorry I am late. Lets's get started now." 
His messy hair is a strong proof that he forgot to set his alarm.
Natasha did hear about him, the hot new trainer that everybody had been talking about.
Did I mention his name? Uh, it's Dylan.

As an amateur, she doesn't expect herself to do advanced moves. She always stands behind, in the shadows. She took up dancing to heal her heart but she gradually fell in love with it. 
She loves it when her mind is preoccupied with something else.
"Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine..and Drop it"
"The right way should be like this, let's do it again."
"Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine..and Drop it"
As the new trainer was reciting the same thing over and over again, she has only one thing in her mind: his pronunciation of "six" is terrible.

Then it came to stretching session. 
She was doing everything instructed just as the others when she saw somebody approaching.
"Do it this way", he pressed her thighs down and gave her a stare.
Those eyes.
Those are the eyes that speak to her soul.
The electricity that flowed between their stares gave her butterflies.
She knew it that second, this man is dangerous.

She told herself to grow up and learn to cope with that kind of feeling. 
"It was nothing", she assured her inner-god.


Behind every desperation, there was once a hope.

I am scared.
What if nobody ever love me like i love them?
What if nobody ever stay long enough to find out about my favorite movie? My favorite spot to cry? My worst habit and my strangest face?

The reason i gave up my back-burners was bcs i thought it's better to live alone than try to be nice with those I am not interested with. I thought there would be no difference with or without those who clearly have no place in my life. I thought it's a waste of both our time, talking about stuff that wouldn't matter anyway. I thought i'd be a bad person by giving off some false hopes. I thought i don't deserve that kind of love. I deserve more. I deserve someone who'd move mountains if he had to. I deserve a mad love.

When people start judging me for being picky (no...well yes,umm..) or even worse, saying that I prefer the bad boys.... Here's the thing. I don't. I wouldn't lie, bad boys are tempting and fun, and any normal girls would get their heart tickled once in a while but I have MY preference. And sadly i just haven't met him yet, and coincidentally those bad boys picked me and made me their victim and voila!

Maybe I gave off that "victimized" vibes, or i am a psychological masochist. I enjoy the torture, the heart-wrecking relationships. Either way, it's not what i want, to be involved with the bad ones.
Maybe, ever since i revealed my darkest side, as cliché as it sounds, i just dont think i deserve someone so kind. I mean, a person like me needs a person like me. 

But in the early of new year (still) i tried to change my own mind. I want to give it a shot. To get to know people I think would never belong in my life. And my inner-god screams bcs it sounds like I am lowering my standards (major break in life principle). 

Well, I am just scared of the following bleak days.