haven't felt this satisfied with my life for months.
It's hard to describe this feeling but I really miss this.
The chase, the flirtatious messages, the surprises.
It's been a while since i stop expecting it.
I never thought it's him.
Someone i firstly saw as just a flirty guy apparently treats me so well.
They say best thing happens when you least expect it.
I know it wasn't too long since my heart break, so I'm taking it slow. 
With him, i feel whole again. I don't feel like i need to change anything for him. He makes me feel loved and he's willing to go a great length for me-- plus point.
We have a lot in common. He knows how to melt my heart. He doesn't overreact. So far, everything's great.



I have always been the kind of girl who is fond of writing.
Unfortunately i find more beauty in heart-wrenching drafts.
A few days ago, I was given an opportunity to handle photo captions of an Instagram account. I am more than happy to do that because it's really cool when you make money through what you love. The only hindrance is that this is a wedding organizer account,  so obviously I have to write something beautiful and elegant and of course festive, not something that I normally write, not something that breaks your heart when you read it. And honestly I find it difficult, thinking about it.. how could I have spent years writing something so sad? And now I have to learn to write something different. I wish I remember how it felt, to be happy.

Since i broke up with him, i didn't know what to do, so i went back to the old pack. The one where i work indirectly with someone who used to like me a lot. Without him i wouldn't be in this team. He's a good person. Btw congrats to him bcs he finally has a girlfriend!! Wow! I'm glad i no longer have to worry about hurting his feelings no more bcs apparently with or without a gf, he's still a confused sentimental guy who post sad quotes on instagram page- and it's 100% not for me ๐Ÿ˜‚


I still

My friends remind me not to do stupid things no more. And without them, I guess, I wouldn't be able to get this far.
But each step i take gets heavier. A day without him never gets easier no matter how many days i've spent alone.

Sometimes i wonder if he still cared about me.
If i got myself into troubles, would he come save me?
If a fuckboy disturbed me, would he help me out?
If a random guy tried to take advantage of me, would he be there to defend me?
If, by any chance, i was so broken that i did crazy things, would he even bother to talk me out of it?

My irrational mind is always thinking about him, though i know he isn't a little kid i need to worry about.
It rains nearly every night and i wonder if he got home safely, i wonder if he thought about me as much as i do.
It's excruciating. What happened between us never really ends for me.



Last night i dreamt of you, pui.
I dreamt of you taking me for a ride and i could finally hug you.
I hugged you so hard bcs i've missed you for too long.
I know i can't turn back time, and i can't do anything about it.
So i gave up trying.
Just so you know, i really miss you.
I think about going to the on-going food bazaar but i didn't. I don't want to annoy you.
I dont want to hurt myself too.



I haven't returned everything he gave to me, most importantly, the memories.
I can't get rid of them. Deep inside, i know i can never love anyone the way i love him. No matter how hard i try to hide things related to him, i cannot escape him in my memory.
Thinking about dying was the craziest thing a craziness like me could do, i should've wished for a memory loss instead.


Me: If you want to die, then die. Don't live with a dead soul. Just don't. Don't be that pathetic, sad, worthless woman begging for a man to stay. He'll come around if he really did love you.
Also me: I still love him, but I won't do anything stupid that will make him the cause of it anymore.. I don't want him to be sad, or to hate me. 



Bestie of the year goes to..

What did i do to deserve a bestie like you, Clar?
She has been my support system for at least a week by now.
I talk to her about crazy and stupid things that i wanna do every day, from texting her what i wanna say to him, the picture of my suicide spot and how i wanted to go see my boyfriend just bcs it was raining and it made me sad. I'm glad i seek help from the right person so i haven't done anything regrettable.

She knocked some sense to me. She objectively pointed out my mistakes without any criticism. Okay, now i understand why JT always said that i was childish and that we have a problem in expressing ourselves.
I am not "childish" childish...I am childish bcs i am way too emotional in which i am a super vulnerable crybaby. I also don't think through of each of my action. I hurt him too without me knowing.
He cared about me but i, blinded by insecurity and love, absentmindedly killed his feelings. I get that. 
This is what i need from the very beginning. I should have seek Clar before situation flipped.

We also find it hard to communicate bcs as Clar said, we are both stubborn. Both sensitive. He might say things that was rather subtle in meaning, but the way he expressed it.. just doesn't sound very nice.
Plus, i am the emotional one. Whenever i sense negativity in his sentence, my blood boils and i reacts with my emotion. Once again, without thinking twice.
Just like the day i wanted to break up.  I didn't think through. My brain needs expansion, i guess.

I feel better listening to her story and her advice. I know myself better now. I know things that i must and must not do in the coming relationship.
I promise myself, i won't cry during arguments anymore. I won't do/ say hurtful things without thinking for at least two days, I will be more patient and lovelier and more importantly, i will find someone new. That's for sure.

Thank you for showing how stupid and childish i had been. It won't happen anymore, promise.


The reason i wanted to break up was because i thought he didn't do anything when things get bad between us. He didn't make me stay.
If he wasn't already the guy i wanted, why do i love him so much?
Why am i so scared of losing him when i already am?
Did i do anything to make him stay before?

I write a lot. That's how i deliver what i feel perfectly. I don't do talking very well without risking my emotional stability. During an argument, he told me that i write more than i act to prove him that our relationship was worthy.
Well, that's true, sort of.
So, i started to act more.
I went to see him. I called him. I brought him food. I even hid a love note under the pot at his house, which is like 13 kilometers. 
And i felt like a stalker doing that. But it's fine, i think. As long as it could save "us". I'd play stupid, nvm.
Because it's my fault we broke up.
It's my fault he fell out of love just like the others.
It's my fault for not treating him right.
It's my fault i hadn't been the great girlfriend.
So it's okay to be the dumb girl winning over her boyfriend's heart, as long as what i do will make him remember why he loved me at the first place.
That's what i foolishly thought.

It proves that i don't need alcohol to make me do silly things. I already am.
I always always always love with all my heart.
And playing this part is just too much when he told me that his feeling had long gone when things turned bad and he didn't feel loved. He told me he'd accompany me till i moved on. But things couldn't be the same.
Right. I am not playing victim, but what he said..was heartless.

Part of me is getting crazier, thinking he still loves me, then i should simply try harder and be the good girl he wanted. Maybe, maybe we could fall in love again. Maybe i hurt him and i was too much he couldn't handle me. I didn't do things for him when he was always there to take care of me. 

The other part of me keeps reminding myself that he "fell out of love" on his own will;
"he isn't willing to come back";
"what? Did he do sth when things were bad with you two?";
"It's useless."
"he wouldn't be this cynical if he really loved you"

But how?
How do i live this dichotomy?
How could i go on without listening to my heart breaking each time i take a step?
How could i stay without lying to myself all the time?
Yea, I am fucking stuck.

Seeing him taking pics happily with his mates make me jealous.
Why am i crying while he is laughing?
Why can't i be as happy as he is?
Why am i the only one struggling?
Sometimes i laugh so much i bursted to tears, i go to gym and join the cathartic body combat class and almost burst to tears when i use all my rage. Sometimes, i can't help crying in the shower.

All this self-blame is getting into me, maybe one day when i am crazy enough, i'd either kill myself or be a serial killer who murder all the men who broke my heart. 
Great i sound crazy now.


I die every day since we broke up.
If there was another word beyond “die”, I’d use it to describe myself right now.
He said things that hurt me.
He did things that hurt me.
But I always run back to him. I always forgive him.
How could he un-love me less and less every day?
How could he do that to someone who has faith in him?
He killed me.
And all I want is to make us fall in love once again.
I’m willing to try even if he isn’t.
I’m willing to do anything to save us.
He asked me why?
And each of my answer never satisfy him.
I said I don’t know. I love him. I can’t let go of us. I can’t imagine my life without him.
It was all selfish, he said.
It was a mistake to love me when I loved him, he said.
It hurts so bad that i don’t feel a thing when i hurt myself.
I have been hospitalized for the second time this week.
Though it was all depression and a little bit of this and that,
All i want now, is to die.
My mom was suicidal, no surprise that thought keeps coming at me.
You killed me. And even if there are so many more reasons to live, you made me wanna die now.
It's so unfair, isn't it?
He fell out of love longbefore we broke up, but I still love him like I love myself.
It's so unfair.
He wanted me back and I let him.
But when I do now, he don't.
I know I have bright future waiting, but how could I see it when I struggle just to get through the day?
When I wish I were dead?


One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder

How to love

I've been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it's a shame that we're sinking
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant
So you try to fill it in

You say "I could fix the broken in your heart
You're worth saving darling"
But I don't know why you're shooting in the dark
I got faith in nothing

But love, pray for me
I never had somebody
So I don't know how to love
Pray for me
I know I need somebody
So I can learn how to love

I know it's been a while
Cause my memory's on trial
For the way I used to be
My head is running miles
Round in circles and I try
To find the little light in me

You say "I could fix the broken in your heart
You're worth saving darling"
But I don't know why you're shooting in the dark
I got faith in nothing

But love, pray for me
I never had somebody
So I don't know how to love
Pray for me
I know I need somebody
So I can learn how to love


I miss you. So much. As i always have.. I miss you and your arms, your hair, your perfume, your chubby cheeks. I miss holding your hand and leaning to your shoulder.
I miss being kissed on my forehead, cheeks and lips as you usually did before i got out of the car.
I miss hugging you, tickling you.
I miss lying on your lap while you were driving. I miss looking at you, even though you rarely look back. 
I miss you and the times you kissed my hand and bit my fingers. I miss the days when we called and talked for hours. I miss you so much that i simply want to call you and tell you how much i love you and that i can't live with the fact that we are strangers with memories. Today, i didn't want to wake up and go to work. Bcs i know it's not the same day anymore. It's not the same day in the past 4 months. I know it would be hard for me to leave, before this, i dare not imagine waking up knowing that the guy i love is no longer my boyfriend. 
Can't stop crying.


If two people truly want to be together, there won't be a day without a text. There won't be silence in the car. There won't be peace in the sleep without saying good night.

If two people really belong together, there won't be tears in the bed, or unsettled arguments, or broken hearts.


A new job!


I'm here to update my life event today and not some mellow dramatic confession, lol.
This year is a great one.
It's the golden year of mine. I found a new love interest, I graduated, I traveled on my own (sort of), i had a job interview and.. i got my first full-time job. It starts tomorrow. Yeay..?
Tbh, thinking about it make me sick. It's like going back to school. In the past years, i had no grudge over Mondays or any other weekdays bcs I am that girl who never has to wake up early for school or work. But tomorrow after a three-month old holiday, I'm starting to hate weekdays again...i think.
No more work-outs in the morning, god pls help me stay in shape.
Wake me up at 6 in the morning too, perhaps. Oh god, i only did a few times a year, not so sure about making it a habitual discipline.
Give me strength to absorb whatever things I'm gonna learn at work and make sure I don't screw up bcs i wasn't born ready to get yelled at.
I am so nervous.
The kind of nervous when you're not ready to go to school but you have to, onlh this time no one's gonna call your parents bcs once you fck up, all the employees will know you and laugh at you for the whole year before you could end your work contract or even worse, you won't get a referral at any other company. Horrific enough?
I am thinking of sharing about my past 3 months travel diaries, but nvm, i can do it tomorrow. Now i gotta sleep at 10 pm like a baby. I dont wanna come late on my first day.


I want him to

I want him to tell me he loves me without me asking about it.
I want him to remind me of how much he loves me everyday.
I want him to buy me donuts on my rough day.
I want him to hug me when i get upset with him.
I want him to take me out on a fancy dinner once in a while.
I want him to come right away when I freakin need him.
I want him to see me like I am his world and he wants me so badly.
I want him to feel proud and lucky to have me.
I want to be his motivation, his sweet heart.
But I think..it's just me who feels that way. 
I've never said that to him bcs I don't want him to think that I demand too much of him.
I don't wanna give him any pressure.

Sometimes I question myself if it's right. I wonder what would happen if i hadn't tried so hard to bottle up my feelings. It would have been over long time ago, i guess.
I stay though there are days and nights when I wanted to say the "L word" but didn't bcs he never say it to me anymore or bcs I was afraid that he'd leave any second.
I could sense the distance between us.
Maybe he gets bored of me sulking.
He gets tired whenever I over react.
He gets sick of not making me as happy as he wants me to be.
Maybe this, maybe that.
But i have a feeling that i am going to cry really hard in a near time if this keeps going.


I cried the first time I sang along with it. Familiar, no?

We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you, I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It'll never be enough
As you drive me to my house
I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down
You and I both have to hide on the outside
Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine

But I know this, we got a love that is homeless

Why can't I hold you in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

I don't wanna live love this way
I don't wanna hide us away
I wonder if it ever will change
I'm living for that day, someday
When you hold me in the street
And you kiss me on the dance floor
I wish that we could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours

Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

Why can't we be like that?
Wish we could be like that

--Little Mix, Secret love Song Part II


I'd always forgive you.
I'd be the one to apologize after we fought.
I'd always sacrifice my feelings.
I'd settle for you, even when you rarely meet my expectation.
I can't promise you a relationship without fights and argument, but as long as you are trying, I am staying.

THAT was my draft 10 hours ago. 
I had a fight with JT again, and all I ever thought was "solving" it. Till a friend of mine dropped by and i started spilling hints unexpectedly.
Everything i heard was "that's not right", "you're being soft", "you dont deserve this" and many other stuff that-believe me- i did think about after every fight.
But why did I stay again? 
Oh, that classic one. Same reason everybody uses to trick themselves.
I have some insight, though. Thank you, friend. 


A letter for JT

am not easy to love. I have demands and trust-issues over guys. And to fall for someone is to give trust completely without demanding too much. So, I am still adapting to it. I am still new to this. To trust, and not demand. For this self-centered girl? It takes a toll on me, but yeah I am trying..to give you a space in my life, to set aside my ego, to trust you.
Honestly, I am a hopeless romantic who gets needy sometimes. And to be with you means that I have to tolerate many parts of you which are conflicting with my interests, dear Mr. Robot.
Being with you makes me happy, though. 
Sometimes i get suspicious about how universe had conspired to bring us together. 
Maybe i can't be the perfect girlfriend, and you can't be my dream guy but if this is real, please bare with me: my quirks, my emotions and my flaws.

-Your Love

A piece of mind

Idk what happened today. Is my PMS due? All i know is i showed him my worst behavior. I got too emotional. And he hates that. 
I complicate some things.
That's what happen.
I used to think that having mutual feelings with someone is enough to build a relationship.
Apparently, for a girl who dreams of rainbows and unicorns like me, enough is sometimes not enough.
Even though I don't show, I expect a magical relationship. Magical and old-school to be exact. 
It's almost impossible to stick to my demand of a charming demandless guy, but  still, I want to be fought for. I want to kiss under the moon light, i want to get surprises i never thought would come true beforee
In real life, though.. 
Do not dream.
I am so afraid to fall bcs i never really found a charming demandless man. When i fall, i fall hard. I just fall and I want to be sure if someone is gonna catch me. I want to be sure that i am caressed, not stabbed. Bcs as i always say, the heart is stupid stuff.
I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper each day. And i am just that light feather again, pulled by gravitation, not knowing what's awaiting below. I know it's mutual. I know. 
But as a girl who longed for a sustainable relationship with severe sensitivity and zero experience of getting loved as much as i deserve, sometimes i get skeptical, i still can't believe if he's real. I still curse myself sometimes for giving more than i should. I still don't feel loved enough. 
Maybe i am the selfish one, expecting more feelings for myself.


Grandpa ❤️

I don't think one can get everything at once.
Whenever i get jealous over someone's pitch-perfect life, i always try to remind myself that it isn't as perfect as what it seems on the outside.
And that's true.
Many times, i pray to god to give me strength to handle my own problems. Many times, i get super stressed out and ended up feeling awry.
This time, with my graduation coming up, vacation, someone i am involved with, and the vibe of taking gap year.. I feel a little lucky for that.
It's the first time in years since i feel this secure about my life.
But again,
Nobody deserves a perfect non-bumpy life. 
My grandpa is sick. Idk how sick, but he has been admitted to the hospital for the third time. As much as i wish to say he's okay, i dont think he is.
He was discharged from the hospital two weeks ago and it happened again.
Liquid in his lungs prevented him from breathing. He had to breathe through tubes and his condition is terrible. 
Do you know what makes it worse? He has the equipment all over his body while he's still in conscious mind. 
He isnt in comma, or any state that makes us think he doesnt feel pain.
Before today, i always think that he's not an easy-to-take-care-of kinda elderly. He has a lot of complaint about things that don't go his favor. He is stubborn. He hates hospital.
 when he was admitted to the first hospital, we all knew how difficult it is to take care of him. But seeing him like this. So helpless and powerless, it is killing his pride. It really is. 
I love him. God, if i may, i wish you'd seize his pain away.

That was my draft a few days ago. I know that he'd be okay and my prayers would be heard. Grandpa is being discharged today! Oh i am so happy to hear that❤️


Like finally i did it in 3.5 years๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰
I will take a moment of silence to thank myself because I finished what I started. I chose psychology as my major and with all the ups and downs, all the regrets and complaints in the process of learning, I am glad that I made it. I am glad that I could be responsible for what I had chosen. No one has ever interfered in my decision and I am proud to say that I am a grown up woman who has graduated as a Bachelor of psychology! 
Thanks mom and dad for picking the most beautiful baby breath and roses bouquet for me! Thanks mom for taking a leave to attend my graduation ceremony although you couldn't make it in the end, i bursted to tears when i saw mom and dad welcoming me once i got out from the ceremonial hall. I had been so worried bcs they didnt know the way to get there anddd i actually really wanted mom to be there watching the ceremony with me, on the other hand, mom was pretty busy that day, and dad told me that she freaked out bcs she was afraid she'd miss the moment. 

Even though i am an introvert who couldn't care less about other people, i am so glad you guys come (even if it wasn't for me, but well hahaha).

Thanks guys for sparing your time to come and congratulate me in person, thanks for the thoughtful gifts, flowers, stuffed dolls๐Ÿ’



A cool person doesn't follow people's opinion, but you're welcome to follow hers if you want to.
A cool person doesn't use trends as excuses to be similar to other people, they set them.
A cool person doesn't need anybody's approval in doing what is right for her as long as she fails nobody.
A cool person does what pleases her without the need to show off.
A cool person keeps her words.
A cool person dreams and makes it come true.
A cool person effortlessly makes people feel jealous of her freedom, her independence and her perspective. Effortlessly. 

I don't watch movies that I don't like, i do when I want to and when I am not busy. I don't watch K-dramas to spare myself topics to discuss. I dislike them and I never finish them except for one that I really like.
I learnt to drive before most people my age did, out of my curiosity, and yeah it felt good to show off except that i had no license and no one to show off to, but the cop hahaha.
I don't drink expensive coffee to let the world know that I am a high end socialite, I drink coffee wherever, whenever I want to, plus I am proud NOT to be a caffein addict.
I didn't sign up for gym membership to introduce people my already too great to be true lifestyle or to do selfies. I do bcs I'm a hard-core exercise-freak and slightly bullimic.
I didn't ink myself because it's show-off-able or bcs Adam Levin looks good with them but bcs I've always wanted it and my mom had one so I don't care if it hurts. My tattoos were all done IMPULSIVELY, no second thought. Ha!
I didn't wear braces because it's a trend. Hell yeah, it was 7-8 years ago when popular girls at school wore it for trend and mom asked me about it, but i was too scared of teeth extraction so, no no. I do now bcs I understand the procedure and, (ehem) I realise how bad my teeth formation is.

It's okay to be different, it's okay to have your own opinion, it's okay to oppose my taste and it's totally okay to follow my righteous path (just make sure you quote me as your role model, jk) but it's never okay to be selfish as forcing someone to agree with you, totally uncool to do something conflicting based on what someone does. Be yourself, except if you could be Blair Waldorf then please be her.
I know it's easy to get swayed and get awed by what we see in media, bcs it happens to me every day, but then i ask myself if I really want it.. if i could bear the responsibility of my action..if i would disappoint anyone. 
Contrary to the underlined statement, I have a confession to make..
I am a self-centered bitch most of the time. 
I care about my own opinion more than yours.
I notice my own mistake more than yours.
I hide my own flaws and have no intention to find yours.
I evaluate myself all the time.
I have enough stress to handle because I demand good care of myself. I have no time to look into your business if it doesn't involve ME in it.
But disappointment is different. It's the highest rank of fury, the deepest feeling that could break us. I don't want to disappoint anyone, not even myself. 

There are perks to be me, you know. I am not the type of colleague who cares if someone i never talk to disappears from work and apparently she quit or whatever. I am not the type of person who cares if my colleagues did not ask me out. I am not the type of employee who gives a damn if my boss raises my co-worker's salary or if they hang out like sisters. And def not the type of friend who needs gossip about your other friends.
Nevertheless,  I wouldn't mind to acknowledge some people I care about who have a place in my heart.
I hope it doesn't make me sound like a selfish person because I could be a nice person who smiles and nods when you boast and flaunt and talk bullshit. You do that if you need to, then we go home and I might just as well get the hint of what kind of person are, but I am a self-centered bitch (again), so I  dont think i need to tell you how annoying you are. Don't worry I don't hate you, I just distance myself from negativity..a lot :)


My final paper is done. Finished. Yes.
And guess who was the person I thought of telling it first?
This is why it's a big deal.
Because i get too attached. Always.
Keeping myself busy day and night is effective only IF I could sleep at midnight.
It kinda sucks when i miss him but i can never let him know because i have this feeling that he is doing fine without me anyways.

The first day was the hardest.
I woke up early for gym but as soon as I went out from there, I could smell his perfume in that crowded place. I think i miss him.
I cried in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I think i miss him.
I listen to the same sad songs again and again. I think i miss him.
It's Tuesday. Like the ones when I went to his place. 
Why the hell am i still thinking about this?
I will eventually get better. 

Why do I feel sad every time I read this? 

Heartbreak does no good for anyone.
It makes you run back to had old habits.
It makes you take up bad new habits.
It makes you miss him.
It makes you seek love from the wrong guy.
It makes you a heart-breaker too.



Goodbyes don't really sink in 
Until you see them walk away
But your broken pieces still hope 
That they will come home someday

-Anna Hoekstra


Why did bad things happen right when I was ready to feel again?
Taking in sb new is a BIG deal for me.
It's a big deal to trust, to understand, and to love.
It's a big deal to be open about all the brokenness, all the ugly parts to someone who might or might not accept me for who I am.
It's a big deal to imagine a future with all the good and bad of that someone. 
It's a big deal to accept his family, his friends, his behaviors, his perspective.
All because I take it seriously.
Because when I take him in, it means I am ready to fall for him, and I need him to catch me. 
So it is a big deal.

Long story short, if you read my previous post, I was talking about how happy I was with this normal  relationship vibe. I felt like I finally found someone who could treat me right, laugh with me and maybe even love me. 
It wasn't easy at first, with all my pickiness and his background to consider, (it's a big deal) but I made it work even though he was not perfect.
I embraced his flaws, I tried to understand the situation, and I stopped complaining after a short while.
I never thought that he would mean so much in a short time.

I remember the first time we met, he was as stiff as a robot. He didn't make my face blush or my heart race. I even told my friend that I might not be interested.
But he put on a lot of effort. He made me believe in him. Even without his knowing, I love everything he did.
He was there when i put my braces and he made himself available for me the next day, he remembered all the little things i said such as my intention to buy yoga mat, he accompanied me on my big day when I had my green table exam. What would I have done without him? 
Oh, we even fed the deer at the park beside my college. That was the most memorable one, bcs in these 3.5 years of college, I have never taken a close look at the deer. 
He read my blog since the very beginning. He told me that I'd write a story about us on my blog one day and it would be a happy ending one, haha.
I still remember every detail. Everything he said and did. And I'd never forget the cheesy nickname.

Then time passes, and with all his effort and his patience in handling me.. I felt safe with him. I felt comfortable to spend my time with him. We had midnight calls and I don't even give away my sleeping time for exam but I could talk to him for hours.
He admitted about his struggle when he first asked me out, or when he sent the CNY cake to my work. I found it really sweet.
And then he asked me: "why didnt you feel bored with me already? I am a boring person"
I said I didnt know why. He told me everything about him but rarely did I do the same.
I know that. I just haven't found out by that time that I felt lucky to have him.

He made me very happy. He made me realize that he was good enough for me.
I thought we had it together.
I thought we could make it.
But he didn't.
Maybe I wasn't what he expected.
He said we were too different and that it cannot be helped.
Why now?
I was just learning to fall in love again but he gave up on us.
He gave up.

Losing him saddens me. Mainly bcs I couldn't blame him. Bcs in my eyes, he is still a good guy. But do you know what hurt me the most? 
His reluctance to try and his pessimistic attitude towards me. He didn't believe in me as much as I believed in him. 
He doesn't want to be with me. This makes me hate myself. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with him. 
There are so many things I wanted to tell him when we got better.
On the phone, we talked for hours last night. About how he felt like a different person when we were together, about how childish I had been, about how these traits of ours can't be forced to work.
So today was the last time we met. We went out for lunch and I just broke down.
I wish I had asked him to stay. I wish I could make him stay.
But it would be childish as he said.
So all I did was cry.



Being single for so long plus binge-movies makes one not settle for less, but also not so great in practicing a face-to-face relationship in real life.
Take me, for instance.
I am in control of the kind of guy I want to date.
The guy who deserves full checks on my list doesn't exist, or maybe not in my life, so I have to mourn and admit it.

And honestly, it's been so very long since the last time I felt like a normal person in a nearly normal date.
It felt great at first. Super average. (Average is good right?).
It felt nice to have someone by your side and maybe look at you rather special.
I thought it's what I wanted. Something "normal" and consistent. 

It turns out..
I realized why my dating history was bogus. Despite all the emotional attachment I had, despite what I said about seeing the good in his bad, I could never crown him the title. I loved him so much, but I wasn't ready to introduce him to my friends or family.
To love someone is to accept them for who they are. To boyfriend or husband him? It takes more than just love. It takes commitment and readiness to go public, to cover each other's back, to forgive and let go of whatever shit going through.

So.. I feel grateful for finally good normal stuff coming up.
I do.
I just hope that my moodswing won't come in the way. 

The Life Of An Oxytocin Addict- Part 3

The alarm rang three times.

The curtains are shielding the sunshine.
She is lying on the bed, hiding under a pinkish blanket.
The only light seen underneath is from the screen of her phone.
A picture of them holding hands at the beach.
Last night, she dreamt of the same guy she had been crying for.
It is really disturbing. 

She open the archived messages from him. Reading their last conversation, looking for the what wrong she had done. 
Suddenly, she remember something.
It's Friday. 
She grab her towel and jump into the shower.
Wearing her favorite pink T-shirt, she tie her hair up and drink a cup of infused-lemon water.
Quickly, she took a black sport bag with her and get going.
"Oh no..., it's too late to cycle.", she start the car in panic.
It's not "cycle" cycle. The building where Nat practices dancing offers many other kinds of exercises, one of which is cycling community that starts at 08.00 every day.

Nat arrive at 08.40.
She sighs when she sees the others cycling back from afar and waves at her.
She waves back with a bitter smile and walks into the locker.

"Hey Nat, are you coming?", her friend Mary asked.
"To..?", Nat wrinkles her puffy face.
"Dancing class? With the hot trainer?", Mary grinned.
"Oh, yeah. Friday 09.30.", Nat whispered to herself.
"Come with me? I'm new here, I don't know stuff.", with her magical eyes, Mary pled.
"Alright, alright. Let me grab my stuff", Nat nodded while shoving her bag and shoes in the space.
On their way, Mary told Nat that she had invited some friends to join the club.
"Wow, it's really crowded today.", Nat mumbled.
"Hot trainer, remember?", Mary said as she swiftly secure a spot beside her besties: Nisa, May, and Rosie.
Nat is always the awkward one. She walk pass the trainer who is already standing in the center and she choose to stand behind Mary.
"Everybody, please pick a partner. We'll learn a new movement today.", Dylan instructed.
"The single one will be with me.", he added with a weird grin.
All of a sudden, everyone is already standing next to their partner. Confused, Nat could only stare at Dylan hoping he would pair her up with somebody else.
As if he could read her mind, he pointed at another loner and said "You, pair up with her".

The whole session was a great one because Nat learnt something new with the new trainer.
He is chatty. He talks a lot and he watches everyone thoroughly. When it comes to Nat, he corrected her pose and smiled.
He corrected everyone else, in fact. He seems like a perfectionist. But Nat was too high to notice.
Dylan came around and pushed her back forward when they were doing a ballerina pose. "Go, go, go you can do it.", he said.
Nat loves the way he pushes her to the limit. Sweat is dripping but Nat could only feel joy. 
The clock shows 11.00 when they enter the last track.
"It's done for today. But please stay where you are. Let's take a proper picture. We are getting to know each other.", Dylan suggested.
He asked some guy from outside to take the picture with his phone.
Everyone checks themselves in the mirros, forms beautiful poses and.. The shutter clicks a few times.
"Thanks everyone! If you want the picture, I'll tag you in instagram. Just tell me your ID.", he said.

Without wasting any more minute, Nat rushed back to change into her running shoes. She could see Dylan being swarmed by a number of girls including Mary and friends.
Their eyes met for a second, as if she entered a magnetic field, Nat came to him.
"I..want the picture", she said in hesitation.
"Sure, just tell him your username", Mary said as she left with the others.
"Yeah, what's your username?", he asked.
"Um, it's a little..can I?", Nat offered to type on it herself as it was somewhat embarassing.
She typed her username @nathequeen and returned his phone.
"Natasha Kenneth", Dylan whispered as he scroll down among her 128 pictures.
Nat peeked to the screen of his Samsung when he clicked the "follow" icon.
She then went for a run after saying thank you to him, but Dylan was suddenly behind her.
"Village girl!", he teased.

After a mile, Nat looked around but she couldn't see him anywhere. Suddenly, she became so curious about her new follower. She reduced her pace, unlocked her iPhone and started her 'investigation'. He had the weirdest username ever. 
"@Dylan_cheesecake?? Seriously?", she shook her head not believing what she just read.
She smiles, thinking that they have something in common-which is annoyingly weird username.
Apparently, he took many mirror selfies showing off his muscles, more than any normal guy should. 
She scoffed in disgust.
"He is totally not photogenic no matter how good looking he is in real life.", she mumbled
After 3 months deep, she saw something she shouldn't have.
She sat on a bench near the building and she looked closely.
It's Dylan's selfie with a woman.
Who is she?
Presumably his girlfriend.


Long lost family

Die diery,

You know what made my day?
My uncle came back from Jakarta and visited our home. I haven't seen him or talked to him for..10 years. 
And then I saw my cousin! I can't remember his face the last time I saw him. I can't even remember if we had ever talked before.
I recall shopping with his sister when we were young and nothing else.
But when I saw him and my uncle, my eyes just lighted up and I embraced them.
Maybe it's a little awkward, like when I hugged my cousin whom I might not have talked to in the past. 
My bad, I was a super shy girl.

These years, I could only see him and his sister through Instagram, just like what I did to my other cousins in Jakarta. And I realize that we've all grown up. He is super tall. And he seems friendly. While my uncle, he's getting fatter lol. They are my family and as ridiculous as it sounds, I really want to get to know them.

Sometimes I envy people with big family and close relatives. I do. I have one brother who confines himself 80% of the time. Cousins would be nice you know...


7 signs your friendship is BS

Nobody can survive alone. Introvert or extrovert, we need other human to live with because our psychological well-being depends on ourselves and environment.
Beside our own blood lines, they often come as people we call friends.
Based on the phenomenon happening in my own life, I notice that the friendship we made is most likely superficial.
Unless your friend(s) was there when your dog died; or came to your house, logged in to your laptop and talked nonsense; or bought you breakfast because he or she knew you always skip your breakfast; or shared deep secrets that nobody knows about.. Then you have every right to reconsider them as your best friends. 

The following are 7 signs your friendship is superficial:
1. The meaningless hang out/ You are just a hang-out friend
Of course you'll choose to hang out with people you are most comfortable with, the people you call friends or even best friends. One day one of your friends found the hippiest place in town and asked you out. When you get there you guys simply sit down, be with cellphone at all time, eat, joke a little, cellphone again, take pictures and..let's go homeeee.
The next time you asked them out, they didn't respond because they didn't feel like doing it. Why? Because it's meaningless! Plus you are the side dish.

2. Disguised sister/brotherhood
Fine, you told him/ her your no. #1 secret because he/ she is your best-est friend. He/ She'd keep asking how you were doing and asking about your progress. But when your other friends mocked you or attacked you (incidentally) about something related to your secrets, he/ she did not help you out. Or worse, you bursted to tears (because you were a sensitive piece of shit, sorry, because you were having too much in your chest) and everyone was baffled and shocked. Then YOUR SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND, looking shocked, asked, "what's going on/ what is wrong with you?".
You might thought, "Don't you already knew WHY? You insensitive arse (not necessarily to this extent)"
Right there. They might have been listening to your problems out of curiosity. That's it. They didn't give their slightest empathy to you, my dear.

3. You talk behind each other's back
I don't have to elaborate this, but be honest to yourself please. Do you still hang out with people that you bad-mouthed or vice versa?
Are you that hypocrite to admit? So are your superficial friends.

4. They abandon you
Let's say one day, your bad-luck hit you and you tripped over banana skin or whatever. Nobody could send you home so you speed-dialed your bestie to come over and pick you up. But you came to disappointment because he/she is queuing for Starbucks and you were suggested to call a taxi.
5. They are judgemental bitches
Ever since I learn Psychology, I understand that all humans have different ways to perceive their own problems. One might cry so much when their parents got divorced, other might feel better with the divorce. 
The weight of each event lies beneath ourselves. And if they ARE your friends who are supposed to know and understand how emotional or neurotic you are, they won't belittle you or your problem by complaining how much of a drama queen you are. Your friends should be those who support you and cheer you up at your worst day, not those who judge you AND make you judge/ blame/ loathe yourself.

6. You don't grow 
People who love you will never do such things that make you feel less than what you are. Funny jokes are meant to freshen up the friendship, but constant rude jokes are called verbal bullying and it's a total friendship-destroyer.
You might have gone to the same school and they made jokes out of you all the time. But at your 20s? Every time you meet, instead of catching up, they are still exactly the same kiddos you met at highschool who bullied you (but this time, with higher intensity).
You don't exchange new information and you don't even share experiences.
Or maybe the two of of you did share experiences, but your friend bragged about A to Z and you were listening like he/she was the rockstar and you were just an audience. No darling, no. If your friend were a rockstar, he/she would bring you to the stage and not treat you like a minion.

7. They are simply opportunists
People who "friended" you to take advantage from you are not your friends. I repeat. You're treasure only when you provide their needs. 
"Oh, I forgot. I only exist when you need me."

I am not the perfect friend, but I would drive a great length for you. I would call you up when you are having a bad day. I would share my favorite ice cream with you. I would support you at your first day working. I would even visit you at the hospital every day if you were sick.
I would do that but I need you to appreciate me for who I am. I need you not to feel hesitate to ask for my advice or to tell your secrets. I need you to be there when I said I needed a drink. I need your shoulders when I cry.
I need reciprocity and I need you to be real.

Rest in peace, auntie

I lost my second auntie two days ago.
Even though we are not the kind of family that hang out at weekends, she was one the closest I have left.
It was sad, knowing that she passed away so suddenly. 
I met her last month at my uncle's house. 

Every first day of lunar new year, we usually visit her and her house is always full of guests. She would cook a lot of food and make her own cookies. She would also visit us on the third or forth day of new year and talk about many many stuffs till very late.
This year will be different.

Well, that's life.
It ends when it ends. 


The Life of An Oxytocin Addict - Part 2

"Good job guys, see you again on Friday", Dylan said as he high-fived everybody on their way out of the room.
As the session was over, Nat went back to the locker to change. 
"400 calories more to burn. Screw you, dinner!", she whispered to the mirror. Nat does realize that she might be suffering from bulimia.
Besides, she needed to lose weight after the whole post-heartbreak binge-eating.

She put on her headset and walked out of the building, circling the field. 
Melancholic song was her company. No, she wasn't sad. It was just her mood swing.
The field was already empty after her third circle as everybody had rushed home soon after the training was dismissed.
She enjoys being alone. She thought it's a luxury to be alone. It's an art to learn to love oneself when he or she is alone.
She loves the peacefulness, the wind and the post-workout feeling.

"Hey. You new in the club?", a voice came from behind her.
"What?", Nat took off the wires and turned her head. She could see the new trainer running right behind her.
"Oh, no, no. I've been there for a few months", she answered in reflex.

"Well, then it's your first in my class I assume", he continued.
"Yeah, that's right", replied Nat.
"So.. You took Ronnie's classes? And Vanessa's?", he asked, trying to make a conversation.
"Yeah", Nat cut it short because
 the fact is that she enjoys Ronnie's classes more than the other resident trainers'. "By the way I've never seen you too.",  Nat added, catching the cue.  
"I just moved to this club last week. Are you working or something?", he speed up.

Nat tried to pull herself together and slow down her pace.
"No.. I am a student at the campus over there" said Nat while hiding her deprived social-skill. 
Overwhelmed, he asked, "That one? The so-called best college in the city?"
"Uh-uh", she scoffed.
"Do you live around here?", he added.
"No. It's a quite far from here.", feeling hesitate of telling too much about herself, she stopped.
Dylan wrinkled, expecting a full answer. 
"It's..near the Chinatown. What about you?", she stopped and grabbed the hand towel around her neck, wiping the sweat running down her face. 
"I'm at Fairmount", he smiled.
Nat rolled her eyes at him and exclaimed, "That's so far away!"
"Chinatown is a lot further man. Fairmount is like the heart of the city, you can go anywhere from there", he defended himself.
Nat shook his head and said, "No, no Fairmount is a suburb. It's so far away from my place."
"From your place,huh. Then your place is suburb", he bursted to laugh.
"No way!", she laughed knowing she can't win that.

He was not running for himself. Nat could sense it because he gave it away so easily.
It was a nice day and he made her feel even better. 
The leaves were rustling, she wore her headset back and changed the music into the "Feeling Good" playlist.
She keeps 5 playlists in her iPod which describes each of her emotion.
Her face started to turn reddish. 
"So.. You train in the mornings?", he broke the silence.
"Yeah, mostly.", she nodded.
She glanced at Dylan and they caught each other's eyes.
"Village woman!" 
"Village man!"
They laughed like they were already friends.
"I'm gonna shower now. See you later.", Dylan said.
"Great, see you", Nat replied with a smile. 
So the conversation ended. And like the saying goes, every ending is a new beginning.
But she went on running without knowing.


The Life of An Oxytocin Addict - Part 1

This morning is a fresh one.
The morning she has been missing, the one she wakes up to with no questions; or obsessive thoughts of the guy who dumped her two months ago.
She showered. She looked into the mirror, she touched her eyes. Her swollen eyes are still there. The ugly eye bags are hanging casually. 
But who cares?
"I didn't cry my eyes out, that's good news", she said to herself as she was tying up her ponytail. 

Like every other mornings, she is going to the club. Her favorite place to spend time, to find peace.
She ran one mile, as usual, before the training session.
Then, she rushed into the club and waited for her trainer, Ronnie.
15 minutes has passed. There is no sign of him. She waited, alongside with the other ten members, while scrolling over Instagram feed to kill time.
30 minutes now. He hasn't showed up.
Just when some members started chirping about leaving, somebody walked in the room. 
A handsome tall young man, wearing black sleeveless shirt and blue shorts. He rushed in, put down his sports bag and said, "Sorry I am late. Lets's get started now." 
His messy hair is a strong proof that he forgot to set his alarm.
Natasha did hear about him, the hot new trainer that everybody had been talking about.
Did I mention his name? Uh, it's Dylan.

As an amateur, she doesn't expect herself to do advanced moves. She always stands behind, in the shadows. She took up dancing to heal her heart but she gradually fell in love with it. 
She loves it when her mind is preoccupied with something else.
"Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine..and Drop it"
"The right way should be like this, let's do it again."
"Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine..and Drop it"
As the new trainer was reciting the same thing over and over again, she has only one thing in her mind: his pronunciation of "six" is terrible.

Then it came to stretching session. 
She was doing everything instructed just as the others when she saw somebody approaching.
"Do it this way", he pressed her thighs down and gave her a stare.
Those eyes.
Those are the eyes that speak to her soul.
The electricity that flowed between their stares gave her butterflies.
She knew it that second, this man is dangerous.

She told herself to grow up and learn to cope with that kind of feeling. 
"It was nothing", she assured her inner-god.


Behind every desperation, there was once a hope.

I am scared.
What if nobody ever love me like i love them?
What if nobody ever stay long enough to find out about my favorite movie? My favorite spot to cry? My worst habit and my strangest face?

The reason i gave up my back-burners was bcs i thought it's better to live alone than try to be nice with those I am not interested with. I thought there would be no difference with or without those who clearly have no place in my life. I thought it's a waste of both our time, talking about stuff that wouldn't matter anyway. I thought i'd be a bad person by giving off some false hopes. I thought i don't deserve that kind of love. I deserve more. I deserve someone who'd move mountains if he had to. I deserve a mad love.

When people start judging me for being picky (no...well yes,umm..) or even worse, saying that I prefer the bad boys.... Here's the thing. I don't. I wouldn't lie, bad boys are tempting and fun, and any normal girls would get their heart tickled once in a while but I have MY preference. And sadly i just haven't met him yet, and coincidentally those bad boys picked me and made me their victim and voila!

Maybe I gave off that "victimized" vibes, or i am a psychological masochist. I enjoy the torture, the heart-wrecking relationships. Either way, it's not what i want, to be involved with the bad ones.
Maybe, ever since i revealed my darkest side, as clichรฉ as it sounds, i just dont think i deserve someone so kind. I mean, a person like me needs a person like me. 

But in the early of new year (still) i tried to change my own mind. I want to give it a shot. To get to know people I think would never belong in my life. And my inner-god screams bcs it sounds like I am lowering my standards (major break in life principle). 

Well, I am just scared of the following bleak days.