12.19.2015

Did I mess up?

Hey.

I love being alone. I love being at home. I love reading next to my dog. I love watching the sky as it changes colors.
But today, I'd love to cuddle. After what happened, I just need to cuddle up. I need his arms to hold me tight. I need him telling me it's okay. But he's not here. We don't even send texts. 
I tried to relax but my mind didn't agree. Staying home made it worse. I decided to drive outside to clear my mind but I got caught in weekend-traffic jam.
So I took a detour and here I am, spilling over my mixed up feelings.

Idk how to start. 
I had a secret rendezvous with someone who's almost like B, as if history is trying to repeat itself. He  flirts and seduces in many many ways. His soul is exposed, though his mind is not. 
It's a little blurry how these things get started-- borrowing from Ellie Goulding's song-- idk how it happened. I remember the day I decided to fuck feelings and be a bitch, but then God changed the plan and now I think I messed up.

My problem? 
My oxytocin addict is kicking.
I am not sure what I want. Is it him? Or the hormone?
I told myself to play it cool like a real-21st century youngster ..but I cannot. I cannot just put it behind me and walk away like nothing actually happened. I cannot NOT think about it.
I hate myself for being overly reactive. 
I don't want to use my feelings on this one but seeing how crappy today has been, I really need to get distracted for a bit.


"Does he use his feelings?"
"Does he do this to other girls?"
"Why me?"
"Would I be able to quit?"
Among all questions, one is the most crucial.
And i am not telling you. 




xx,
J

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