12.30.2015

25 hours to new year

2015 hasn't been the best year.
In fact, 2015 has been a shitty year.
Throughout the 364 days, I have made a lot of poor decisions. I made mistakes and I still live, so.. Yeayy?
Despite the ups and downs, 
I learnt that nobody really cares, they r just curious.
I learnt that not everybody has the same heart as me. 
I learnt that people forget about us till they need us
I learnt that people will always talk behind our back (and we might as well be cool about it).
I learnt that I can't help who I fall in love with.
learnt that fuckboys actually exist ( i used to think they were only in the movies)
I learnt that I am worthless (thanks to the fboys who made me feel this way)
I learnt that insecurity kill self-esteem.
I learnt that independence and high IQ doesn't interest weak and stupid guys.
I learnt that I don't forgive as easily as I thought.
I learnt that people change.
I learnt that a guy can kiss and not text or say anything about it -- It also means a kiss could mean nothing (i am naive like that lol)
I learnt that I can't get involved physically without putting my emotional safety at risk ( this fucked me up)
I learnt to quit alcohol (relapsed once in a while but that's so much better)
I learnt to get used to being used (mygod, this is real shit)
I learnt to say NO (big accomplishment)
I learnt to be a bitch (so I failed because I am a Cancerian who always feels too much and ends up hurt *dramatic)
I learnt to embrace my selfishness (love yourself, Justin Bieber said. Btw I recently learnt that he's kinda hot n o w).
I learnt that editing pictures before posting it on instagram guarantee more likes (not ashamed to admit 😂😂)
I learnt that God likes to play mind game with me (all the time, come on..)
Last but not least,
I learnt that I am STILL STUPID AND GULLIBLE AND NAIVÉ *fml*



Anyway,
I am too lazy to scroll back to my 2015 resolution post but i am quite sure i repeated the resolution from the year before hahaha.
I remember one thing though, I said I wanted to feel more, I wanted to cry and laugh and live. And it has been achieved. This year, I fell in love again. A normal-old-school love, like holding hands and watching movies. And I shed a lot of tears for it. I moved on and I feel awful. We could have been friends had I repressed that feeling. Btw, thanks to all my friends who supported me when I'm at my lowest. Thanks for all the kind words and inspiring quotes and harsh sentences that hit me hard bcs I have a heart hard as stone. Inspite of that cliché story, let me tell you that i took up yoga to get over him and it is the only thing that matters this year. 

2015 is lame bcs I know that something is not over yet. Rn, I am involved with someone else and this someone is the only chapter I could see coming in 2016, and I am scared to see the ending.
Part of me wanna stop playing with the fire but the other part wants more.
Soooo, i lost the hype, i lost it bcs I dont know cool ppl who'd ask me out for a NYE party or free beer, i lost it bcs most of my close friends are already planning their NYE somewhere with someone else bcs they got a life, i lost it bcs I think about whom he'll spend new year with and what they might be doin. No, no, no. Kill it!

Dear 2015.. Why have you been super shitty?
Tomorrow, as the last day of 2015 should be one of the best ones, I am goin hiking for the first time!!
So, here are my 2016 resolution:
- hiking
- put braces
- graduate in feb/may 2016
- get a better job 
- learn to headstand without using the wall
- learn ballroom dance
- eat clean (might b the hardest)
- travel to Mt. Bromo!!
- visit my family in the U.S
- no fuckboys
- get over fuckboys


Things will get better in 2016. 
Love,
J

12.25.2015

I haven't been a good girl, Santa.

I got jealous.
I got really jealous bcs he seems to love his girlfriend very much.

I got mad.
I got really mad at myself bcs I have this wicked wish that they'd break up anytime soon.

I got hurt.
It's burning in my chest.

I hate him.

12.19.2015

Did I mess up?

Hey.

I love being alone. I love being at home. I love reading next to my dog. I love watching the sky as it changes colors.
But today, I'd love to cuddle. After what happened, I just need to cuddle up. I need his arms to hold me tight. I need him telling me it's okay. But he's not here. We don't even send texts. 
I tried to relax but my mind didn't agree. Staying home made it worse. I decided to drive outside to clear my mind but I got caught in weekend-traffic jam.
So I took a detour and here I am, spilling over my mixed up feelings.

Idk how to start. 
I had a secret rendezvous with someone who's almost like B, as if history is trying to repeat itself. He  flirts and seduces in many many ways. His soul is exposed, though his mind is not. 
It's a little blurry how these things get started-- borrowing from Ellie Goulding's song-- idk how it happened. I remember the day I decided to fuck feelings and be a bitch, but then God changed the plan and now I think I messed up.

My problem? 
My oxytocin addict is kicking.
I am not sure what I want. Is it him? Or the hormone?
I told myself to play it cool like a real-21st century youngster ..but I cannot. I cannot just put it behind me and walk away like nothing actually happened. I cannot NOT think about it.
I hate myself for being overly reactive. 
I don't want to use my feelings on this one but seeing how crappy today has been, I really need to get distracted for a bit.


"Does he use his feelings?"
"Does he do this to other girls?"
"Why me?"
"Would I be able to quit?"
Among all questions, one is the most crucial.
And i am not telling you. 




xx,
J

12.02.2015

Damaged

I am not willing to sit with people I loathe. 
Tell me am I being immature?
When did I become so clouded with hatred? 
When did I change and be the person i said I would never be?
Where is the girl who said she could never hate anybody?The girl who forgave and cared about people.
I feel like crying when I look at myself, standing tall with so much ignorance.
I have changed a lot. I don't know myself anymore. I don't recognize myself. 

So much hatred. So much guilt.