I try to eliminate the word "regret" from my life. I try to embrace all the good and bad times.
But i do know one thing. I have taken a wrong path.
As a child, I was taught to be content with "good enough".
My parents told me "rank doesn't matter as long as you don't fail" when I was in primary school and I didn't take courses bcs i didn't think i need them for my "easy" goal.
In high school, I was surprised to find my name in the system called "plus class". But again, I thought that I'd given my best yet I was not good enough to compete with the others, so I settled. I told myself that I'm already in the system so the only thing I have to do is not to get kicked out, besides I've got brilliant friends in the package.
When everyone talked about their dreams and the preferred university, I chose the lamest.
I didn't study abroad because I don't want to burden my parents financially, and i thought at least I'm accepted in the best university in my city. It's good enough.
I questioned my own capability in medical school, so I didn't choose it as my major. I settle for B+ when I know i could get A.
I have been working at the same place since 3 years ago and I never have the courage to apply somewhere else because mom said my salary is already better than tellers plus i have fewer hours work.
I never said the four-letter word to the guy I liked and he never said it, and I gullibly thought it was alright bcs we were already dating and words prove nothing anyway. Erghh, stupid bitch.
I never look people in the eye, I never try to be a teacher's pet, i never try to master one thing in my life, i never speak up and i've always go with the flow.
Now that I have had my hibernation from school, off gadget for a while.. I have plenty of time to reflect to myself. And i see disappointment in my own eyes. I see loneliness. I see dark clouds. I see poor decisions.
If only i hadn't come to plus class, I might still be friends with the popular kids at school. If only I had taken more courses I might have more friends than I do today. If only i had studied harder, i wouldn't have been an underachiever. If only i had studied somewhere else, i wouldn't have been stuck in this university with only 6 close friends and if only i had taken art major, i would have had my five-year-ahead plan in front of me.
I never regret my choices. I learn to live with it.
But I want a change. I know there is not much i can do as I'm badly damaged.
I can start somewhere else though. I do have my plan somewhere else. I don't want to settle anymore.
I am tired of a life covered by shades.