8.28.2015

Desire

The only thing that makes sense about Freud is his model of human mind.
We have a devil inside us. 
I call her 'desire'. 
When we want something so badly that we can't even control our own emotion towards it. 
We want it to be in our grasp, as if it is some goal we must achieve. The seduction of the object pumps the heart,  we'd do anything to get it. Kill for it because the desire is so strong.
Struggle with the superego, the so-called moral code. Fight with it to assure yourself not a sinner. Shield our heart from seeing the real us. The all-joy-and-desire humans. Don't we all?

I've always looked at the brightest spot, hence the naiveté. But I know better now.
Knowing about the power of desire for a long time, I only reckon it as a devil recently.
The desire to own a human being, referred to as love, or lust in certain circumstances.
My safe zone, the neutral ground, is lust-free. Occasionally, threat comes on my peaceful days.
I've met many. And one these past weeks.

The first time he looked into my eyes I had a feeling that sooner or later, the devil would act out.  
I have been keeping distance, but when he put my hand on his cheek and his on mine today, dear God I couldn't even look at him because I knew what I really wanted to do. 
Geez. He teased me, or the devil did. I have to remain calm and cold. 
One thing that I know, is that I like chatty man, but I don't love him and I can't anyway. 
This desire is unhealthy. It is a distraction. A flaw.


P.S.
This is predominantly the effect of watching Penny Dreadful. Discovering darkness at its finest. 


Mortal

I want to make a confession.
These days I haven't been myself.
I isolated the cheerful girl inside and I did nothing stimulating.
I don't pay much attention to social medias because all I see is happiness and yes, i am jealous of that for I am not a happy girl. I am not "living". Then I began to shut people down. I turned down invititations, I don't engage in unnecessary conversation. I look at the world in plain sight.
I feel different, yet less emotional. I feel fine alone. The problem is, can I focus on other thing as I have been very much absorbed playing this character?

8.21.2015

Shoot for the stars

Have you ever regretted one moment of your life?
I try to eliminate the word "regret" from my life. I try to embrace all the good and bad times.
But i do know one thing. I have taken a wrong path. 

As a child, I was taught to be content with "good enough".
My parents told me "rank doesn't matter as long as you don't fail" when I was in primary school and I  didn't take courses bcs i didn't think i need them for my "easy" goal.
In high school, I was surprised to find my name in the system called "plus class". But again, I thought that I'd given my best yet I was not good enough to compete with the others, so I settled. I told myself that I'm already in the system so the only thing I have to do is not to get kicked out, besides I've got brilliant friends in the package. 
When everyone talked about their dreams and the preferred university, I chose the lamest.
I didn't study abroad because I don't want to burden my parents financially, and i thought at least I'm accepted in the best university in my city. It's good enough.
I questioned my own capability in medical school, so I didn't choose it as my major. I settle for B+ when I know i could get A. 
I have been working at the same place since 3 years ago and I never have the courage to apply somewhere else because mom said my salary is already better than tellers plus i have fewer hours work.
I never said the four-letter word to the guy I liked and he never said it, and I gullibly thought it was alright bcs we were already dating and words prove nothing anyway. Erghh, stupid bitch.
I never look people in the eye, I never try to be a teacher's pet, i never try to master one thing in my life, i never speak up and i've always go with the flow.
Now that I have had my hibernation from school, off gadget for a while.. I have plenty of time to reflect to myself. And i see disappointment in my own eyes. I see loneliness. I see dark clouds. I see poor decisions.

If only i hadn't come to plus class, I might still be friends with the popular kids at school. If only I had taken more courses I might have more friends than I do today. If only i had studied harder, i wouldn't have been an underachiever. If only i had studied somewhere else, i wouldn't have been stuck in this university with only 6 close friends and if only i had taken art major, i would have had my five-year-ahead plan in front of me.

I never regret my choices. I learn to live with it.
But I want a change. I know there is not much i can do as I'm badly damaged. 
I can start somewhere else though. I do have my plan somewhere else. I don't want to settle anymore.
I am tired of a life covered by shades. 

8.08.2015

Bright

Hey,

No. I am not writing about something good that 'brightened up' my day.
I simply love the song from Echosmith. Might even make it my wedding soundtrack?
Beautiful lyric with a lot of cosmic stuff. You know, my stuff.
Anyway. My holiday? Sucks.
Suck. Suck. And suck.
I am in that dark burrow again. Non-stop movie marathon except when I am working. I sleep reeeeaally late and end up waking up late that i can't even get my ass off to the gym.
And you know what goes with movies? Snack! Snack and no gym and I am not given extra job, so all i get is fat. Fat!
My love-hate relationship with movie marathon? It consumes me. I always get emotionally involved with one couple from the movie. 
So the guy died. I liked the guy. That cute warm comforting smile? He freakin died! And the woman couldn't move on. But she finally did and she married the first guy she dated in the movie. And i was happy because I do want them to be together, i mean, the guy was a total jerk but he has changed and he is not much of a sweet talker which makes him sweet but then the woman went crazy and left him but just when the guy wanted to end the marriage, she came back for him but you know, he wouldn't try again.
Stupid movie with stupid plot. Why do they prolong the series and pull out the characters from early season, making lots of affairs which affected me mentally? And the rating is going down, seriously. It's not personal.

Oh no.
I go to sleep with this. I wake up with this. I feel sick. I feel crazy. 
I don't talk to my friends, i don't text anyone, i don't hang out, i even check my phone only once a day.. I lay low.
I should do something, right?
Well, I am not really a gossip type, especially not to my friends and i don't know the people who are not my friends..so i think and talk about the movies.
Gosh. I don't get it. I am bored with my life already.
I've got no motivation at all. Nothing.
Like there are black clouds in front of me and I do nothing to move forward.
I settle.
God forbids!
I am not supposed to be in this no-purpose-Juliana mood.
I need a thrill. Adventure. Leisure. Well, anything that pumps the veins.
Please do contact me.

I know. It's funny how people live. One day you might think that your home is the safest and most comfortable place you'll ever be. The next week, you step out of the door to seek for adrenaline. Sunlight. Waterslides. Um, boom. Well, anything fun.
I am bored! 
Nah, i am just reviving energy for my thesis. No. I don't wanna think about it. It is stressful. Awful and stressful. Okay, i am getting weird.


Goodnight,
J

8.03.2015

I wonder

I wonder,
if you were a knight 
if you could turn time backward
would you tell me a coward?
I ponder,
if you were there tonight
where we first kissed
where I least missed.


J.

Midnight calls

I went along for lark,
Got caught up in the dark,
Thinking;
Dreaming;
Drowning;
In my own stream,
Hoping you'd hear me scream,
Gulping;
Yelling;
Your name out loud,
In no crowd,
Yet you come,
Yet you come when midnight calls.


xx,
J
Note: Sorry, it's not even close to a poetry, lol.