7.26.2015

Finding B

I am not feeling well. 
My eye irritation surely forbid me from having too much fun.
So I went home after a coffee with my friends and right now I'm thinking about B.
So far, i have wrapped up my past and buried it deep behind. I demand myself to leave it untouched.
I will not run back to what broke me.
But I still stare at its tomb for a long time whenever someone else hurt my feelings. I displace all my anger towards him. 
Sometimes.. When I wake up in the morning thinking about this D guy.. the only way to neutralize it is by digging a far worse memory.
For a long time.. I don't miss him anymore but I blame him anyway. 
Do you think it's crazy that I want to see the guy who dumped me?
Idk. I just want him to know that i am doin just fine without his presence. I want to know his reaction when he sees me. I want him to want me as bad as I did and I want him to feel what I felt.
It's not payback. Idk what it is.
My friends talked about this girl, my acquaintance, who posted nasty words about her ex on social media. I am well aware that they have been in a relationship for a long time and I can't possibly understand how she feels as I have never been in a normal relationship before. But right at that moment, I asked myself what would I do if I were her.
The truth is, i tried to track him down last year, but he didn't exist anywhere in cyberspace. Despite the fact that i actually know his home and family members, I have no way to contact him. I could have ruined him, you know. I could have but I loved him too much that I didn't want to. And I love myself much more.  I know that I can't change anything and I have to let it go.  
One day, when the time is right, if God wishes to set the broken wheel in motion again, he will.
Just a reminder, a man who vanishes is no man at all.

am still curious about his whereabouts though. Feeling like putting an ad of WANTED man to find him hehehe.
Well. Past is best left behind. 
I am looking forward to seeing my future <3

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