Finding B

I am not feeling well. 
My eye irritation surely forbid me from having too much fun.
So I went home after a coffee with my friends and right now I'm thinking about B.
So far, i have wrapped up my past and buried it deep behind. I demand myself to leave it untouched.
I will not run back to what broke me.
But I still stare at its tomb for a long time whenever someone else hurt my feelings. I displace all my anger towards him. 
Sometimes.. When I wake up in the morning thinking about this D guy.. the only way to neutralize it is by digging a far worse memory.
For a long time.. I don't miss him anymore but I blame him anyway. 
Do you think it's crazy that I want to see the guy who dumped me?
Idk. I just want him to know that i am doin just fine without his presence. I want to know his reaction when he sees me. I want him to want me as bad as I did and I want him to feel what I felt.
It's not payback. Idk what it is.
My friends talked about this girl, my acquaintance, who posted nasty words about her ex on social media. I am well aware that they have been in a relationship for a long time and I can't possibly understand how she feels as I have never been in a normal relationship before. But right at that moment, I asked myself what would I do if I were her.
The truth is, i tried to track him down last year, but he didn't exist anywhere in cyberspace. Despite the fact that i actually know his home and family members, I have no way to contact him. I could have ruined him, you know. I could have but I loved him too much that I didn't want to. And I love myself much more.  I know that I can't change anything and I have to let it go.  
One day, when the time is right, if God wishes to set the broken wheel in motion again, he will.
Just a reminder, a man who vanishes is no man at all.

am still curious about his whereabouts though. Feeling like putting an ad of WANTED man to find him hehehe.
Well. Past is best left behind. 
I am looking forward to seeing my future <3


A Thank You Note

One cake a day, one gift another. Juliana is loved :)
I am very thrilled, but it's not 17th of July anymore, lol.
I laughed and smiled a lot this past week and hopefully to the rest of my life :D
So yesterday, Henny and Hendy kidnapped me from my home early in the morning. I was sleeping when they called me up to open the front door. Then they got me in the car, I blew birthday candles from a phone application and they drove for breakfast while I was still in pyjamas!
It's weird how I could understand the way they "love". I am happy I found them. Henny even made a craft for me while Hendy is a new guy in my circle but it only took a while for me to feel like we've known each other forever!

They shouted "orang gila (crazy person)" from a distant >.<

Blowing the "12" candles

In the afternoon, Pinle brought me to shop. I got to choose MY own birthday present from my #bffs the 'Bocah bocah'! That's wow.
I had to fast forward my birthday because most of them were out of town on the D day. Their presence means a lot more than anything else really.
After that we went for a dinner wity Dev, one of our besties who has just come back from China.
It was a reeeally great day.

Today, I skipped gym for the sixth day. I do feel guilty. 
Well, I went for a movie with Sheena and her sister. She was a former student of mine. They gave me a box of chocolate with a birthday greeting card! Thank you! I love chocolate!
Anyway we watched the Ant Man. It was pretty good actually and I am glad the ants don't look as gross as they really are. 
After that, I met up with my uni classmates who gave me a birthday cake! Haha! Another candles to blow, still the same wishes. It was a staged surprise, of course I knew their plan. 
What I didn't know was that only half of them were there. You know, being around the "people" matters. 
But I chose to be as happy as possible! I am blessed and loved! I am not good with verbal expressions, so if you see me quiet, it means my mind is looking for a better word than "thank you"! 
Thank you Nuovi, Aci and Benny!

Do you know what i love the most about birthday? Everything absolutely, but there's more.. The greeting cards. 




Birthday is meant to remind you of how special you are.
To remind you of the day when you, the embryo, and your mom made it to keep you (and hopefully both of you) alive.

The day a baby was born, it cries.
I read it somewhere that it cries because it was born in this cruel big world.
The day I before was born, my mom and dad were dating. They were on the way to watch a movie before mom had her first contraction.
The next day, I was there. I live. Maybe i even knew she won her fight. So I am thinking that maybe the crying stuff is because the baby actually felt bad for hurting mommy.

It isn't entirely true that it is a cruel big world. The world is just a sum of 7 billion people's tiny world and 'cruel' is a matter of perception.
I am sure that the meaning of birthday adds up every year.
For me, it isn't just about survival, but also existence.
Yes. Existence among people I love. 
Let's start with Yin and Yang, a concept that I hold on dearly. Balance is the key to kill anxiety. When people i love love me back, i feel happy. Otherwise, i am off balance.
So you and i must have ups and downs through the 364days, hence there is one day when we can reset everything. 
Maybe you still love John, but he didn't even greet you on your birthday, or you never talk to Alice but she  texted you a birthday greeting, or your best friend Mark completely  forgot about your birthday? 
Human is made of tissues. Plus neurons, hard particles, liquid. The brain actually weighs how much someone loves you by their action. So when people i love do something for me, it makes my day because I realize that I exist in their world. Simple isn't it?
Birthday wishes, cakes, and presents are supplement to boost endorphins making me happier. Therefore it's a special day.





Dear Diary,

I got a surprise cake today from my gym girls. I had just showered when they came over, and my granny literally failed their attempt to surprise me. Haha!
Thank you God, you have surrounded me with many many blessings.
I have just known them for a year or so, but I do feel loved.
You know, i am not the kind of person who needs many friends scattering around, but i love talking to them during gym classes and after... 
They treated me like their little sister, and I have this mimi Mery whom i love as if she was my mom. I am grateful. I am.
They are good people. We hang out sometimes, we even went to one of the girl's home since she celebrates Eid Mubarak.
But honestly, it's a different friendship from the one I have with my besties.
Idk. It's hard to explain.
Fun it is. 

What do you want?

One word for someone you hadn't talked to for 1.5 months and texted you like "hey" but didn't read your text after you replied him and... texted you with a "happy birthday" 3 days later?

Hope it defines you

Blessed 21

Die Diery,

I watched The Notebook a while ago. Idk why but I've been watching classic movies nearly every night now.
It helps to put back those lost hopes of Ryan Gosling kinda man.
I hate every kind of love story because they ain't real. But I gotta try flooding myself with it. 
Maybe love will come along then.

Anyway.. Happy legal age!
Being legal means nothing in my country, really. 
Somehow i have legalized myself before my I.D card say so. Hehehe.
Thank you everyone for the wishes, for putting up with me up to this point, thank you!
To my best friends whom I always turn to whenever I am up or down, bought me balloons too.. you guys are amazing and you have the most heart-warming wishes!
To my parents and my brother, thank you for making me the most special daughter and sister today and everyday.

I started to make list of places i wanna be on my birthday umm.. last few days.
One of them be THEME PARK. Lucky me, mom and dad could make it for a short get away!
It was a really sunny day though, and I didn't want to get tanned (unless for the beach).
But I am very happy today as i did something different from the previous years.
Nothing fancy, but it has been a while since my last play.
Those rides are nostalgic. Remember how fun..how those rides made me scream and laugh.
You know, that kind of feeling when you ate your favorite childhood cookies?
Theme park is a good idea, it would be perfect if you have your friends or loved one with you.
My advice?
No matter how old you get, never let your soul grow too old. 
As for me, I want to be young at heart forever. 

The same wishes go to me every birthday since '13. Move on, get a boyfie, blahblah.
Maybe my problem is that I can't keep up with characteristic evolution. Men are becoming very complicated. They made this thing called 'love' very hard.
I personally think that I won't be able humiliate or hate someone I truly love.
I could. But I don't want to. Because love is that simple. 
If love was a treasure box... You should take it if you want to, and leave it there if you don't. But don't break then throw it away and let somebody else fix it. Don't be an ass.
Melodramatic-movie effect.



Die diery,

Exam is finally over.
Now my brain can function normally again, as God knows how bad I am at coping with stress.
Fyi, I am gaining weight.
How so?
Problems cause distress and distress makes me fat through excessive comfort food and irregular sleeping cycle.
I really really really need to hit the gym again.

Anyway, it has been forever since I had good time with my girls and guess what? We had a sleepover party last night at Ceha's !!
We ate A HELL LOT OF UNHEALTHY AND FATTENING FOODS and I didn't feel guilty at all.
Happy girls need nobody tellin them what to do :)