6.19.2015

Maturity

Good day readers,

I went to sleep with Jay Chou's song playing the whole night and I didn't feel like waking up to face reality. I just wanted the day to end as soon as possible so that I wouldn't have a thing on my mind.
But then I remembered the pain I felt 2 years ago. The self destructive thoughts, the exhaustion after sleep, the post trauma.. And I realize that this is nothing compared to what B caused. Maybe that's why I still lean toward this guy and not neutral about it (what Kekel told me). I had primacy effect. I keep on comparing him to B while both of them are not who I thought they are.

It's easier to talk about that someone when you've moved on.
B was the worst guy I've ever met in my life so far and that was the reason why I never told my family about him while.. I only told some parts of him to my best friends. I knew we were too different and things wouldn't work out, so I didn't want to blow it out though we kept seeing each other. For months after the heart break, I cried quietly, got sick, got drunk, party hard..secretly.. My parents thought it was normal. I was young, yet the scar he left made me a mature woman, still not enough. I don't just choose who I want to fall in love with.

Then this guy...I know him well, I love his family too. I love how much I feel safe with him and the comfort he brings. I love the familiarity, his childish acts, his wit, his attention. But he nipped in the budd. The lament I am feeling made mom questioned me and.. because I never talk about a close friend before.. Mom was very concerned about me. She supports whatever my decision is and constantly asks about how I am feeling. The best thing about my mom is that she never force or poison me with her own mind. 
Yesterday, my uncle a.k.a foster dad called to comfort me. I guess mom must have told him about my break downs. He told me to be strong and other nice stuffs.
In addition, my best friends are always there when I need them. They always have my back and encourage me to do the right thing when my mind is so foggy with thoughts and assumptions.

All these caring people in my life, I might not have felt their presence had I not been in this state. But then there is no rainbow without a little rain. 
Thank you for asking, calling, encouraging, constantly tag and send me motivational quotes, not probing into my problems but still be there when I need a hug and shoulder to lean on, listening to my disappointment, watching me cry, accompanying me with karaoke nights and drinks, texting with me the whole time..
I know I have a very very stubborn heart. It is obviously deaf.
I only want to hear what I want to hear and often I defend him no matter what you guys said.
But you guys are the best, thanks for not getting tired saying the same thing over and over again.

Lol, this is not a thesis or death will.
To my girls and boys , thanks for being very good listeners and for boosting me with positivity. Asoi and lar my 911, my always available callers. CL has always been rational kick-asses. And the other wise experts too.
To my diamonds, thanks for defending my pride when I nearly lost them, sending me quotes, reciting the same things again and again "Juliana, you're a diamond" or "Don't be stupid". I never meant to tell them anything but they snooped it out anyway.
To N, thank you for the damage control.

The truth is, I don't know how it will end, but seriously.. I've passed the biggest storm in my life when B left and of course this too shall pass. The only thing that makes it difficult is that I still wish things would get better. I still wish one of us would do something.
I haven't been in any "real serious" relationship and clearly I need guidance.
It's not that I didn't fight. I did. But the more I fight, the further he goes. And it's torturing my soul. 
Nevertheless, I understand that maturity means being willing to let go of people I care about bcs I put their happiness first. 




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