Is it a Curse?


A short break before my next assignment, my mind is already wandering about how I want my 21stbirthday  celebrated.
At one side, I want it to be garden-themed, and my other side wants it to be legal-themed, meaning more beers.
As far as I remember, most of my Bocah Bocah Petualang buddies are having internship out town, leaving only some of my besties here :(
Should I just keep it simple and decent like the previous ones? 
But you do know I need to get my mind wasted somewhere else other than my thoughts.
I remember this curse coming since my 19th birthday.
I had my first and worst heart-break near my birthday. It was exactly like this situation. Happiest days at the end of May to the beginning of June even B brought me out town on 2nd June, I remember so well, then tremendous break down after.
Before my 20th birthday, I had a crush with this M guy, who apparently was close with some other girls and not into any kind of intimate relationship. Err, I remember it ended shortly in the end of May I think.
Then this year, close to my 21st. Again. With the exact mark as my first one with B. Justa s bad, just as sad. Seriouslyyyyyyy!?
God I believe you are gonna replace these guys with the best one but I am seeing a pattern here. Don't tell me I am being supertitious because I won't call this coincidence 😭😭😭😭
Don't play games with me anymore, just stop already, 21st is a sacred legal age. Enough playing dumb. Enough. I don't need another player in my life. Leave them be.
There are other dumb girls you need to give lessons to, aren't there?

Hopefully things will get better. Hopefully.


Sleepless week


Back from a Friday movie night :D
Casual hang out with dear mom and brother because I need a break from my stressful final!
Why did they name it Indominus? We've been arguing about better names for a while, lols.
Archaeorous? Palenosaur? Allinoneceptor?
Just a thought.
It's not wrong to text multiple girls at the same time. 
It's not wrong at all as you're not in any particular relationship.
But keep in mind that the girls you treated that way, they might be doing the same thing to you.
And you're gonna cry in despair when she chooses the other guy. Or if you are an ass, you're gonna deny it and tell the world how horrible she is.
Or maybe she is a melancholic romantic who gets attached really quickly to one and only guy at a time.. And you can still keep doing that to her because she is your nobody.
One way or the other,
Don't you overrate yourself. 
Don't, because the girls who text multiple guys won't choose a guy like you and the girls who stay loyal to you deserve better.


I don't give a damn anymore

Treat me as cruel as you want and I won't revenge.
In the end, I will still be smiling at you, telling you how beautiful my world is, with or without you.
It is not possible to hate someone that you really care about but it is possible to let them go for our sake.
It is a proof that I am mature enough to handle this matter. I am no longer unstable teens with uncertain troubles.
I am too young to be sad.


Just another little lonely broken heart

I can't sleep.
He crossed my mind again.
Today was a good day. I did a lot of shopping with Mom. 
I ate my favorite foods, I had ice cream too.
But late at night, I started to wonder how he is doing.
I started to question everything.
If he misses me as much as I do.
If he was ever real with me.
If this is the real him.
If I did something wrong.
If I didn't try hard enough.
If he is laughing at me.
If he hates me now.
If he wants me to fight for him.
If I was being delusional.




Good day readers,

I went to sleep with Jay Chou's song playing the whole night and I didn't feel like waking up to face reality. I just wanted the day to end as soon as possible so that I wouldn't have a thing on my mind.
But then I remembered the pain I felt 2 years ago. The self destructive thoughts, the exhaustion after sleep, the post trauma.. And I realize that this is nothing compared to what B caused. Maybe that's why I still lean toward this guy and not neutral about it (what Kekel told me). I had primacy effect. I keep on comparing him to B while both of them are not who I thought they are.

It's easier to talk about that someone when you've moved on.
B was the worst guy I've ever met in my life so far and that was the reason why I never told my family about him while.. I only told some parts of him to my best friends. I knew we were too different and things wouldn't work out, so I didn't want to blow it out though we kept seeing each other. For months after the heart break, I cried quietly, got sick, got drunk, party hard..secretly.. My parents thought it was normal. I was young, yet the scar he left made me a mature woman, still not enough. I don't just choose who I want to fall in love with.

Then this guy...I know him well, I love his family too. I love how much I feel safe with him and the comfort he brings. I love the familiarity, his childish acts, his wit, his attention. But he nipped in the budd. The lament I am feeling made mom questioned me and.. because I never talk about a close friend before.. Mom was very concerned about me. She supports whatever my decision is and constantly asks about how I am feeling. The best thing about my mom is that she never force or poison me with her own mind. 
Yesterday, my uncle a.k.a foster dad called to comfort me. I guess mom must have told him about my break downs. He told me to be strong and other nice stuffs.
In addition, my best friends are always there when I need them. They always have my back and encourage me to do the right thing when my mind is so foggy with thoughts and assumptions.

All these caring people in my life, I might not have felt their presence had I not been in this state. But then there is no rainbow without a little rain. 
Thank you for asking, calling, encouraging, constantly tag and send me motivational quotes, not probing into my problems but still be there when I need a hug and shoulder to lean on, listening to my disappointment, watching me cry, accompanying me with karaoke nights and drinks, texting with me the whole time..
I know I have a very very stubborn heart. It is obviously deaf.
I only want to hear what I want to hear and often I defend him no matter what you guys said.
But you guys are the best, thanks for not getting tired saying the same thing over and over again.

Lol, this is not a thesis or death will.
To my girls and boys , thanks for being very good listeners and for boosting me with positivity. Asoi and lar my 911, my always available callers. CL has always been rational kick-asses. And the other wise experts too.
To my diamonds, thanks for defending my pride when I nearly lost them, sending me quotes, reciting the same things again and again "Juliana, you're a diamond" or "Don't be stupid". I never meant to tell them anything but they snooped it out anyway.
To N, thank you for the damage control.

The truth is, I don't know how it will end, but seriously.. I've passed the biggest storm in my life when B left and of course this too shall pass. The only thing that makes it difficult is that I still wish things would get better. I still wish one of us would do something.
I haven't been in any "real serious" relationship and clearly I need guidance.
It's not that I didn't fight. I did. But the more I fight, the further he goes. And it's torturing my soul. 
Nevertheless, I understand that maturity means being willing to let go of people I care about bcs I put their happiness first.