Falling Apart

I was too immersed.
I thought I could finally settle down a bit after my long tiring escapism.
I was too naive. And sadly I didn't learn from my stupid mistake.

I wanted to fight. So bad.
But how do I fight for someone who doesn't feel the same way?
I never like competition. And clearly, I love a human, not a freakin trophy.
I finally got courage to fight but all I got was cold shoulder and silence.
I can't live like this. Really.

I have everything to lose when I chose him. My friend, my brother, my mentor. And I am sinking. This ship is fucking sinking.

The thing with my past hasn't been easy. I needed time to let it all go.
I hadn't trusted anybody then, nor had I been serious because I knew all I ever wanted were friends to talk to. I knew damn well not to rebound and rush into replacement relationship.
Then the wheel was in motion again after 2 years. I thought it wasn't gonna go wrong, I admired him and I knew him well enough. Someone finally put the lights back in my eyes but out of the blue, it stopped. For god sake. 

How long do I need to recover? Again? 
They said let time heal but do I need to wait for another two years to fix the broken pieces?
I wish I could tell him how much I care about him but..he hasn't been himself lately.
Do you know what the worst thing is? I don't even know what's going on and I can't hate him at all. Despite all the questions and words left unsaid, or the way he treated me..I still feel too much and he doesn't.

I am not okay. Smiling seems like the loudest cry. 
But I want you to be okay. I do.
Even if I have to stay away from you. For reasons that were never explained.
It's not your fault, it's my fault for falling too hard. It's my fault because I am a faithful good girl with no back up plans.

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