Falling Apart

I was too immersed.
I thought I could finally settle down a bit after my long tiring escapism.
I was too naive. And sadly I didn't learn from my stupid mistake.

I wanted to fight. So bad.
But how do I fight for someone who doesn't feel the same way?
I never like competition. And clearly, I love a human, not a freakin trophy.
I finally got courage to fight but all I got was cold shoulder and silence.
I can't live like this. Really.

I have everything to lose when I chose him. My friend, my brother, my mentor. And I am sinking. This ship is fucking sinking.

The thing with my past hasn't been easy. I needed time to let it all go.
I hadn't trusted anybody then, nor had I been serious because I knew all I ever wanted were friends to talk to. I knew damn well not to rebound and rush into replacement relationship.
Then the wheel was in motion again after 2 years. I thought it wasn't gonna go wrong, I admired him and I knew him well enough. Someone finally put the lights back in my eyes but out of the blue, it stopped. For god sake. 

How long do I need to recover? Again? 
They said let time heal but do I need to wait for another two years to fix the broken pieces?
I wish I could tell him how much I care about him but..he hasn't been himself lately.
Do you know what the worst thing is? I don't even know what's going on and I can't hate him at all. Despite all the questions and words left unsaid, or the way he treated me..I still feel too much and he doesn't.

I am not okay. Smiling seems like the loudest cry. 
But I want you to be okay. I do.
Even if I have to stay away from you. For reasons that were never explained.
It's not your fault, it's my fault for falling too hard. It's my fault because I am a faithful good girl with no back up plans.
She didn't even know the reason why.
She just wanted to cry.
Maybe it was the silence.
Or the song.
Or her thoughts.


I'm not the only one.


I haven't been well for the past week-- well as in psychologically well.
I knew I had made a mistake once I started to let someone talk to me day and night.
I shouldn't have.

Just a little thought before I go to bed.
Falling in love is the worst feeling ever. But falling in love with your best friend is the worst of the worst.
Why so?
Because once you knew it would never work, you'd regret everything because things would never be normal again. And as wiseman said, you have to let "them" go. Both the guy you fell for and your best friend. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with. 

Point taken. 


Fight it or run away with it?

Die diery,

I think I stepped out of my neutral ground for a moment. Then, I am already caught up in the middle of something.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I don't know if I am becoming weird.
All I want is to fight it off, but a part of me wants to run away with it.
It makes things a lot worse. A hella worse.