3.17.2015

DREAM

Die Diery,

It was just a cool chit-chat with my bestie and my favorite cousin. We were talking bout getaways.
I am in my ZEN mood, meaning peaceful and content, not necessarily needing a holiday yet except that my other bestie asked me for another rave party at BALI, wtfffff, I just cant resist. Ok, it's hard to ignore bcs I have never been to Bali and I had always wanted to go to Dreamsfield (google it) !!
But..I have just come back from Krabi, my skin has gotten darker, and the biggest problem is.. I hardly have the cash, it's Bali dude, it's just a lot of expense and as a Miss Independent, I  don't want to bother my parents with my selfish wish.

I have a lot of things I rush to achieve but I haven't made much progress yet. So tonight I wrote it down. I remember my lecturer saying about sth dreams, that we have to jot it down. I remember what my aunt say about dreaming big, and believing that God has all the powers.
I am just too realistic for a dream-come-true stuff. But not tonight.
I need positive vibe from all the whole world so that I could save enough money by August. I need all luck in the core of this mother Earth so that I could achieve my goals. And I need every good thing to happen as my bucket lists are getting longer.

#ineedajob #ineedtwojobs #ineedmiracle

3.13.2015

Sobering

Die Diery,

Other than not being late to work which I've failed, I have found another resolution!
So it started like this, a friend of mine who has been practicing acupuncture was talking to me one day when he suddenly told me about how unhealthy I looked. "Could be some digestion problem", he said. Then he advised me to cut down alcohol consumption. I was like 'Damn. How..'
It wasn't how for "How to cut it down?" but it's more like"How could he know?"
No one outside of my best friends, God and myself really know how much I love to get myself high even though I don't tolerate much alcohol.
For the record, I was never an alcoholic.
I was consumptive, but I never thought it would be so obvious.

Fyi, I never started drinking because "it was cool" sort of excuses.
And as any normal gullible teenage girl, I used to think that alcohol is poison, unhealthy, addictive and it tastes like medicated oil!
I was never keen of trying, I was very reserved instead.
It all changed till I had my firsts. Every first has its own story and it is always kept well in the memory, even in the state of being tipsy.

B introduced me to his world. His dark side.
When I had my first beer, first wine.. I was spoiled. I drank them up to prove that I wasn't as kiddo as  he thought.
And eversince he left, drinking was the only thing that keeps me attached to him, nothing else. It's the only thing that could bring back memories when the smell of his perfume isn't around.
So I started drinking, to remember and to forget the same thing. I found it comforting. I never keep it from my parents. They always know whenever I took out scotch glasses, they just don't know why.
And they let me sip more and more of their collections. Alone, in my room, till I got real heavy head and I slept in. I continued drinking away all my problems, not realizing that it isn't about my heart break anymore. Maybe it has healed. Maybe it has drown away. Maybe I'm drinking to kill the silence, to let go of something else. So maybe I should stop now to show the world that I'm attached to nothing. No one.

For the sake of my health I promise that I am going to solve my drinking habit.


Laters,
J

3.01.2015

There's no hole in her shoe, but a big hole in her world

I am a Cancer with water as my element. 
Everyone knows what a mood-swinger a Cancer is.
Mostly I have food-swing. I apt on binge eating or starve myself. Now, unfortunately I eat a lot.
Chinese new year cookies effect *sobs*

Few days ago a friend said sth about me that dazzled me.
"You are acting like you're laughing and smiling but you seem like faking it to cover your sadness. You look very sad and stressed out"

Well, the next sentence he said was " I know bcs I've been there too" made me consider it a crack joke but it does make sense.

Today.
In my daydream, I have been thinking about how to react when I meet him again. 
Yes, that junk that I've forgiven.
I used to think I would pretend as I never knew him. But that's what a coward would do.
After a thorough consideration, I think I should first give the warmest smile like I was never crestfallen, then say hi (him first or not at all) and go before my inner God scream for more.
Yes, it's a daydream. It's never gonna happen.

I feel alright. I am. But there really is a space needs mending.
I forgive. And I am not hard to please.
I have a hardened ice wall in my heart but it is as quick-melt as mozzarella cheese.
Which is why, God never update me anything about the ghost.
I'm clueless, which makes me wonder a lot at night.
Maybe all I ever wanted was an explanation, or an apology or a confession of whatever plot I was put into, for the time I've wasted mending a hole without tools.
Only then, I could complete the missing space.