25 hours to new year

2015 hasn't been the best year.
In fact, 2015 has been a shitty year.
Throughout the 364 days, I have made a lot of poor decisions. I made mistakes and I still live, so.. Yeayy?
Despite the ups and downs, 
I learnt that nobody really cares, they r just curious.
I learnt that not everybody has the same heart as me. 
I learnt that people forget about us till they need us
I learnt that people will always talk behind our back (and we might as well be cool about it).
I learnt that I can't help who I fall in love with.
learnt that fuckboys actually exist ( i used to think they were only in the movies)
I learnt that I am worthless (thanks to the fboys who made me feel this way)
I learnt that insecurity kill self-esteem.
I learnt that independence and high IQ doesn't interest weak and stupid guys.
I learnt that I don't forgive as easily as I thought.
I learnt that people change.
I learnt that a guy can kiss and not text or say anything about it -- It also means a kiss could mean nothing (i am naive like that lol)
I learnt that I can't get involved physically without putting my emotional safety at risk ( this fucked me up)
I learnt to quit alcohol (relapsed once in a while but that's so much better)
I learnt to get used to being used (mygod, this is real shit)
I learnt to say NO (big accomplishment)
I learnt to be a bitch (so I failed because I am a Cancerian who always feels too much and ends up hurt *dramatic)
I learnt to embrace my selfishness (love yourself, Justin Bieber said. Btw I recently learnt that he's kinda hot n o w).
I learnt that editing pictures before posting it on instagram guarantee more likes (not ashamed to admit 😂😂)
I learnt that God likes to play mind game with me (all the time, come on..)
Last but not least,

I am too lazy to scroll back to my 2015 resolution post but i am quite sure i repeated the resolution from the year before hahaha.
I remember one thing though, I said I wanted to feel more, I wanted to cry and laugh and live. And it has been achieved. This year, I fell in love again. A normal-old-school love, like holding hands and watching movies. And I shed a lot of tears for it. I moved on and I feel awful. We could have been friends had I repressed that feeling. Btw, thanks to all my friends who supported me when I'm at my lowest. Thanks for all the kind words and inspiring quotes and harsh sentences that hit me hard bcs I have a heart hard as stone. Inspite of that cliché story, let me tell you that i took up yoga to get over him and it is the only thing that matters this year. 

2015 is lame bcs I know that something is not over yet. Rn, I am involved with someone else and this someone is the only chapter I could see coming in 2016, and I am scared to see the ending.
Part of me wanna stop playing with the fire but the other part wants more.
Soooo, i lost the hype, i lost it bcs I dont know cool ppl who'd ask me out for a NYE party or free beer, i lost it bcs most of my close friends are already planning their NYE somewhere with someone else bcs they got a life, i lost it bcs I think about whom he'll spend new year with and what they might be doin. No, no, no. Kill it!

Dear 2015.. Why have you been super shitty?
Tomorrow, as the last day of 2015 should be one of the best ones, I am goin hiking for the first time!!
So, here are my 2016 resolution:
- hiking
- put braces
- graduate in feb/may 2016
- get a better job 
- learn to headstand without using the wall
- learn ballroom dance
- eat clean (might b the hardest)
- travel to Mt. Bromo!!
- visit my family in the U.S
- no fuckboys
- get over fuckboys

Things will get better in 2016. 


I haven't been a good girl, Santa.

I got jealous.
I got really jealous bcs he seems to love his girlfriend very much.

I got mad.
I got really mad at myself bcs I have this wicked wish that they'd break up anytime soon.

I got hurt.
It's burning in my chest.

I hate him.


Did I mess up?


I love being alone. I love being at home. I love reading next to my dog. I love watching the sky as it changes colors.
But today, I'd love to cuddle. After what happened, I just need to cuddle up. I need his arms to hold me tight. I need him telling me it's okay. But he's not here. We don't even send texts. 
I tried to relax but my mind didn't agree. Staying home made it worse. I decided to drive outside to clear my mind but I got caught in weekend-traffic jam.
So I took a detour and here I am, spilling over my mixed up feelings.

Idk how to start. 
I had a secret rendezvous with someone who's almost like B, as if history is trying to repeat itself. He  flirts and seduces in many many ways. His soul is exposed, though his mind is not. 
It's a little blurry how these things get started-- borrowing from Ellie Goulding's song-- idk how it happened. I remember the day I decided to fuck feelings and be a bitch, but then God changed the plan and now I think I messed up.

My problem? 
My oxytocin addict is kicking.
I am not sure what I want. Is it him? Or the hormone?
I told myself to play it cool like a real-21st century youngster ..but I cannot. I cannot just put it behind me and walk away like nothing actually happened. I cannot NOT think about it.
I hate myself for being overly reactive. 
I don't want to use my feelings on this one but seeing how crappy today has been, I really need to get distracted for a bit.

"Does he use his feelings?"
"Does he do this to other girls?"
"Why me?"
"Would I be able to quit?"
Among all questions, one is the most crucial.
And i am not telling you. 




I am not willing to sit with people I loathe. 
Tell me am I being immature?
When did I become so clouded with hatred? 
When did I change and be the person i said I would never be?
Where is the girl who said she could never hate anybody?The girl who forgave and cared about people.
I feel like crying when I look at myself, standing tall with so much ignorance.
I have changed a lot. I don't know myself anymore. I don't recognize myself. 

So much hatred. So much guilt.



Hii 🙈

Sometimes i wonder why i have always been so lonely and then i finally got the answer.
*music plays*
I resent people.
I can be polite though but i avoid negativity you know.
I resent manipulative/over-reacting/ignorant/careless/boastful people. Oh and i hate critics, i hate liars, i hate copycats, i hate hypocrites, i hate ms or mr I-know-more-than-you, i hate backstabbers, i hate ms or mr I-am-the-best-here, i hate panicky people, i hate people who keep sayin sorry, i hate people who only read my text when i expect a reply, i hate ppl who act like they know me, i hate people who take advantage of me, i hate people who judge, i hate attention-seekers, i hate people who calculate wayyyy too much, and maybe another 100 kinds of people.
Most of the time, depends on how pissed I am with their existence, I let them blend in my social life but when i get uncomfortable, i back away. I am just showing my courtesy. 

In conclusion, it's very hard for me to please myself. Not to mention, I try to be nice to people i meet but i can't make em stay bcs i don't feel like they deserve to get their time wasted when i clearly know how i feel. No wonder.

But when i love, i love harder than a bird pecking on a tree
My life is a roller-coaster with easy lanes and peaks and slopes .

Umm, sorry not sorry. 😹


Don't sweat it. It's just a kiss (or two kisses, or maybe three).


Friendly reminder!

We don't live the life of Romeo and Juliet. We rarely hear about love at first sight anymore. Before you fall in love, all you see are attractiveness and similarity. And you might misinterpret it as butterflies in your stomach. You try so hard to get his attention, to please him and you missed all the good stuff while he is at the backdoor, flirting with another girl.
But who are you to judge? He calls you sometimes,he snapchats you, he makes you laugh, he texts you, stop here. He is JUST BEING NICE. 
Keep that in mind before you panic bcs he doesn't reply your text , he added your female friends, he followed their instagram, he blablabla. 
Speaking from experience, don't fall (at all). Don't fall before you are sure about how much he is into you.
Boys will be boys bcs they produce testosterones (not sure bout how I relate this, but try to look at males with this point of view and you'll realize how unsteady they are). Play it cool. Really. 
Attractiveness and similarity are two important qualities but listen to yourself, are you being ridiculous? Obsessively ridiculous? 
He's not yours, he gets to flirt. You are not his, you get to relax and go live your life!

He is

But he is not yours as you are not his
And there is nothing in between
For betweens are gray
And gray is gray
Not black nor white
Not yours nor mine



Everything between a bad boy and a gentleman is no fun at all.



The only thing that makes sense about Freud is his model of human mind.
We have a devil inside us. 
I call her 'desire'. 
When we want something so badly that we can't even control our own emotion towards it. 
We want it to be in our grasp, as if it is some goal we must achieve. The seduction of the object pumps the heart,  we'd do anything to get it. Kill for it because the desire is so strong.
Struggle with the superego, the so-called moral code. Fight with it to assure yourself not a sinner. Shield our heart from seeing the real us. The all-joy-and-desire humans. Don't we all?

I've always looked at the brightest spot, hence the naiveté. But I know better now.
Knowing about the power of desire for a long time, I only reckon it as a devil recently.
The desire to own a human being, referred to as love, or lust in certain circumstances.
My safe zone, the neutral ground, is lust-free. Occasionally, threat comes on my peaceful days.
I've met many. And one these past weeks.

The first time he looked into my eyes I had a feeling that sooner or later, the devil would act out.  
I have been keeping distance, but when he put my hand on his cheek and his on mine today, dear God I couldn't even look at him because I knew what I really wanted to do. 
Geez. He teased me, or the devil did. I have to remain calm and cold. 
One thing that I know, is that I like chatty man, but I don't love him and I can't anyway. 
This desire is unhealthy. It is a distraction. A flaw.

This is predominantly the effect of watching Penny Dreadful. Discovering darkness at its finest. 


I want to make a confession.
These days I haven't been myself.
I isolated the cheerful girl inside and I did nothing stimulating.
I don't pay much attention to social medias because all I see is happiness and yes, i am jealous of that for I am not a happy girl. I am not "living". Then I began to shut people down. I turned down invititations, I don't engage in unnecessary conversation. I look at the world in plain sight.
I feel different, yet less emotional. I feel fine alone. The problem is, can I focus on other thing as I have been very much absorbed playing this character?


Shoot for the stars

Have you ever regretted one moment of your life?
I try to eliminate the word "regret" from my life. I try to embrace all the good and bad times.
But i do know one thing. I have taken a wrong path. 

As a child, I was taught to be content with "good enough".
My parents told me "rank doesn't matter as long as you don't fail" when I was in primary school and I  didn't take courses bcs i didn't think i need them for my "easy" goal.
In high school, I was surprised to find my name in the system called "plus class". But again, I thought that I'd given my best yet I was not good enough to compete with the others, so I settled. I told myself that I'm already in the system so the only thing I have to do is not to get kicked out, besides I've got brilliant friends in the package. 
When everyone talked about their dreams and the preferred university, I chose the lamest.
I didn't study abroad because I don't want to burden my parents financially, and i thought at least I'm accepted in the best university in my city. It's good enough.
I questioned my own capability in medical school, so I didn't choose it as my major. I settle for B+ when I know i could get A. 
I have been working at the same place since 3 years ago and I never have the courage to apply somewhere else because mom said my salary is already better than tellers plus i have fewer hours work.
I never said the four-letter word to the guy I liked and he never said it, and I gullibly thought it was alright bcs we were already dating and words prove nothing anyway. Erghh, stupid bitch.
I never look people in the eye, I never try to be a teacher's pet, i never try to master one thing in my life, i never speak up and i've always go with the flow.
Now that I have had my hibernation from school, off gadget for a while.. I have plenty of time to reflect to myself. And i see disappointment in my own eyes. I see loneliness. I see dark clouds. I see poor decisions.

If only i hadn't come to plus class, I might still be friends with the popular kids at school. If only I had taken more courses I might have more friends than I do today. If only i had studied harder, i wouldn't have been an underachiever. If only i had studied somewhere else, i wouldn't have been stuck in this university with only 6 close friends and if only i had taken art major, i would have had my five-year-ahead plan in front of me.

I never regret my choices. I learn to live with it.
But I want a change. I know there is not much i can do as I'm badly damaged. 
I can start somewhere else though. I do have my plan somewhere else. I don't want to settle anymore.
I am tired of a life covered by shades. 




No. I am not writing about something good that 'brightened up' my day.
I simply love the song from Echosmith. Might even make it my wedding soundtrack?
Beautiful lyric with a lot of cosmic stuff. You know, my stuff.
Anyway. My holiday? Sucks.
Suck. Suck. And suck.
I am in that dark burrow again. Non-stop movie marathon except when I am working. I sleep reeeeaally late and end up waking up late that i can't even get my ass off to the gym.
And you know what goes with movies? Snack! Snack and no gym and I am not given extra job, so all i get is fat. Fat!
My love-hate relationship with movie marathon? It consumes me. I always get emotionally involved with one couple from the movie. 
So the guy died. I liked the guy. That cute warm comforting smile? He freakin died! And the woman couldn't move on. But she finally did and she married the first guy she dated in the movie. And i was happy because I do want them to be together, i mean, the guy was a total jerk but he has changed and he is not much of a sweet talker which makes him sweet but then the woman went crazy and left him but just when the guy wanted to end the marriage, she came back for him but you know, he wouldn't try again.
Stupid movie with stupid plot. Why do they prolong the series and pull out the characters from early season, making lots of affairs which affected me mentally? And the rating is going down, seriously. It's not personal.

Oh no.
I go to sleep with this. I wake up with this. I feel sick. I feel crazy. 
I don't talk to my friends, i don't text anyone, i don't hang out, i even check my phone only once a day.. I lay low.
I should do something, right?
Well, I am not really a gossip type, especially not to my friends and i don't know the people who are not my friends..so i think and talk about the movies.
Gosh. I don't get it. I am bored with my life already.
I've got no motivation at all. Nothing.
Like there are black clouds in front of me and I do nothing to move forward.
I settle.
God forbids!
I am not supposed to be in this no-purpose-Juliana mood.
I need a thrill. Adventure. Leisure. Well, anything that pumps the veins.
Please do contact me.

I know. It's funny how people live. One day you might think that your home is the safest and most comfortable place you'll ever be. The next week, you step out of the door to seek for adrenaline. Sunlight. Waterslides. Um, boom. Well, anything fun.
I am bored! 
Nah, i am just reviving energy for my thesis. No. I don't wanna think about it. It is stressful. Awful and stressful. Okay, i am getting weird.



I wonder

I wonder,
if you were a knight 
if you could turn time backward
would you tell me a coward?
I ponder,
if you were there tonight
where we first kissed
where I least missed.


Midnight calls

I went along for lark,
Got caught up in the dark,
In my own stream,
Hoping you'd hear me scream,
Your name out loud,
In no crowd,
Yet you come,
Yet you come when midnight calls.

Note: Sorry, it's not even close to a poetry, lol.


Finding B

I am not feeling well. 
My eye irritation surely forbid me from having too much fun.
So I went home after a coffee with my friends and right now I'm thinking about B.
So far, i have wrapped up my past and buried it deep behind. I demand myself to leave it untouched.
I will not run back to what broke me.
But I still stare at its tomb for a long time whenever someone else hurt my feelings. I displace all my anger towards him. 
Sometimes.. When I wake up in the morning thinking about this D guy.. the only way to neutralize it is by digging a far worse memory.
For a long time.. I don't miss him anymore but I blame him anyway. 
Do you think it's crazy that I want to see the guy who dumped me?
Idk. I just want him to know that i am doin just fine without his presence. I want to know his reaction when he sees me. I want him to want me as bad as I did and I want him to feel what I felt.
It's not payback. Idk what it is.
My friends talked about this girl, my acquaintance, who posted nasty words about her ex on social media. I am well aware that they have been in a relationship for a long time and I can't possibly understand how she feels as I have never been in a normal relationship before. But right at that moment, I asked myself what would I do if I were her.
The truth is, i tried to track him down last year, but he didn't exist anywhere in cyberspace. Despite the fact that i actually know his home and family members, I have no way to contact him. I could have ruined him, you know. I could have but I loved him too much that I didn't want to. And I love myself much more.  I know that I can't change anything and I have to let it go.  
One day, when the time is right, if God wishes to set the broken wheel in motion again, he will.
Just a reminder, a man who vanishes is no man at all.

am still curious about his whereabouts though. Feeling like putting an ad of WANTED man to find him hehehe.
Well. Past is best left behind. 
I am looking forward to seeing my future <3


A Thank You Note

One cake a day, one gift another. Juliana is loved :)
I am very thrilled, but it's not 17th of July anymore, lol.
I laughed and smiled a lot this past week and hopefully to the rest of my life :D
So yesterday, Henny and Hendy kidnapped me from my home early in the morning. I was sleeping when they called me up to open the front door. Then they got me in the car, I blew birthday candles from a phone application and they drove for breakfast while I was still in pyjamas!
It's weird how I could understand the way they "love". I am happy I found them. Henny even made a craft for me while Hendy is a new guy in my circle but it only took a while for me to feel like we've known each other forever!

They shouted "orang gila (crazy person)" from a distant >.<

Blowing the "12" candles

In the afternoon, Pinle brought me to shop. I got to choose MY own birthday present from my #bffs the 'Bocah bocah'! That's wow.
I had to fast forward my birthday because most of them were out of town on the D day. Their presence means a lot more than anything else really.
After that we went for a dinner wity Dev, one of our besties who has just come back from China.
It was a reeeally great day.

Today, I skipped gym for the sixth day. I do feel guilty. 
Well, I went for a movie with Sheena and her sister. She was a former student of mine. They gave me a box of chocolate with a birthday greeting card! Thank you! I love chocolate!
Anyway we watched the Ant Man. It was pretty good actually and I am glad the ants don't look as gross as they really are. 
After that, I met up with my uni classmates who gave me a birthday cake! Haha! Another candles to blow, still the same wishes. It was a staged surprise, of course I knew their plan. 
What I didn't know was that only half of them were there. You know, being around the "people" matters. 
But I chose to be as happy as possible! I am blessed and loved! I am not good with verbal expressions, so if you see me quiet, it means my mind is looking for a better word than "thank you"! 
Thank you Nuovi, Aci and Benny!

Do you know what i love the most about birthday? Everything absolutely, but there's more.. The greeting cards. 




Birthday is meant to remind you of how special you are.
To remind you of the day when you, the embryo, and your mom made it to keep you (and hopefully both of you) alive.

The day a baby was born, it cries.
I read it somewhere that it cries because it was born in this cruel big world.
The day I before was born, my mom and dad were dating. They were on the way to watch a movie before mom had her first contraction.
The next day, I was there. I live. Maybe i even knew she won her fight. So I am thinking that maybe the crying stuff is because the baby actually felt bad for hurting mommy.

It isn't entirely true that it is a cruel big world. The world is just a sum of 7 billion people's tiny world and 'cruel' is a matter of perception.
I am sure that the meaning of birthday adds up every year.
For me, it isn't just about survival, but also existence.
Yes. Existence among people I love. 
Let's start with Yin and Yang, a concept that I hold on dearly. Balance is the key to kill anxiety. When people i love love me back, i feel happy. Otherwise, i am off balance.
So you and i must have ups and downs through the 364days, hence there is one day when we can reset everything. 
Maybe you still love John, but he didn't even greet you on your birthday, or you never talk to Alice but she  texted you a birthday greeting, or your best friend Mark completely  forgot about your birthday? 
Human is made of tissues. Plus neurons, hard particles, liquid. The brain actually weighs how much someone loves you by their action. So when people i love do something for me, it makes my day because I realize that I exist in their world. Simple isn't it?
Birthday wishes, cakes, and presents are supplement to boost endorphins making me happier. Therefore it's a special day.





Dear Diary,

I got a surprise cake today from my gym girls. I had just showered when they came over, and my granny literally failed their attempt to surprise me. Haha!
Thank you God, you have surrounded me with many many blessings.
I have just known them for a year or so, but I do feel loved.
You know, i am not the kind of person who needs many friends scattering around, but i love talking to them during gym classes and after... 
They treated me like their little sister, and I have this mimi Mery whom i love as if she was my mom. I am grateful. I am.
They are good people. We hang out sometimes, we even went to one of the girl's home since she celebrates Eid Mubarak.
But honestly, it's a different friendship from the one I have with my besties.
Idk. It's hard to explain.
Fun it is. 

What do you want?

One word for someone you hadn't talked to for 1.5 months and texted you like "hey" but didn't read your text after you replied him and... texted you with a "happy birthday" 3 days later?

Hope it defines you

Blessed 21

Die Diery,

I watched The Notebook a while ago. Idk why but I've been watching classic movies nearly every night now.
It helps to put back those lost hopes of Ryan Gosling kinda man.
I hate every kind of love story because they ain't real. But I gotta try flooding myself with it. 
Maybe love will come along then.

Anyway.. Happy legal age!
Being legal means nothing in my country, really. 
Somehow i have legalized myself before my I.D card say so. Hehehe.
Thank you everyone for the wishes, for putting up with me up to this point, thank you!
To my best friends whom I always turn to whenever I am up or down, bought me balloons too.. you guys are amazing and you have the most heart-warming wishes!
To my parents and my brother, thank you for making me the most special daughter and sister today and everyday.

I started to make list of places i wanna be on my birthday umm.. last few days.
One of them be THEME PARK. Lucky me, mom and dad could make it for a short get away!
It was a really sunny day though, and I didn't want to get tanned (unless for the beach).
But I am very happy today as i did something different from the previous years.
Nothing fancy, but it has been a while since my last play.
Those rides are nostalgic. Remember how fun..how those rides made me scream and laugh.
You know, that kind of feeling when you ate your favorite childhood cookies?
Theme park is a good idea, it would be perfect if you have your friends or loved one with you.
My advice?
No matter how old you get, never let your soul grow too old. 
As for me, I want to be young at heart forever. 

The same wishes go to me every birthday since '13. Move on, get a boyfie, blahblah.
Maybe my problem is that I can't keep up with characteristic evolution. Men are becoming very complicated. They made this thing called 'love' very hard.
I personally think that I won't be able humiliate or hate someone I truly love.
I could. But I don't want to. Because love is that simple. 
If love was a treasure box... You should take it if you want to, and leave it there if you don't. But don't break then throw it away and let somebody else fix it. Don't be an ass.
Melodramatic-movie effect.



Die diery,

Exam is finally over.
Now my brain can function normally again, as God knows how bad I am at coping with stress.
Fyi, I am gaining weight.
How so?
Problems cause distress and distress makes me fat through excessive comfort food and irregular sleeping cycle.
I really really really need to hit the gym again.

Anyway, it has been forever since I had good time with my girls and guess what? We had a sleepover party last night at Ceha's !!
We ate A HELL LOT OF UNHEALTHY AND FATTENING FOODS and I didn't feel guilty at all.
Happy girls need nobody tellin them what to do :)


Is it a Curse?


A short break before my next assignment, my mind is already wandering about how I want my 21stbirthday  celebrated.
At one side, I want it to be garden-themed, and my other side wants it to be legal-themed, meaning more beers.
As far as I remember, most of my Bocah Bocah Petualang buddies are having internship out town, leaving only some of my besties here :(
Should I just keep it simple and decent like the previous ones? 
But you do know I need to get my mind wasted somewhere else other than my thoughts.
I remember this curse coming since my 19th birthday.
I had my first and worst heart-break near my birthday. It was exactly like this situation. Happiest days at the end of May to the beginning of June even B brought me out town on 2nd June, I remember so well, then tremendous break down after.
Before my 20th birthday, I had a crush with this M guy, who apparently was close with some other girls and not into any kind of intimate relationship. Err, I remember it ended shortly in the end of May I think.
Then this year, close to my 21st. Again. With the exact mark as my first one with B. Justa s bad, just as sad. Seriouslyyyyyyy!?
God I believe you are gonna replace these guys with the best one but I am seeing a pattern here. Don't tell me I am being supertitious because I won't call this coincidence 😭😭😭😭
Don't play games with me anymore, just stop already, 21st is a sacred legal age. Enough playing dumb. Enough. I don't need another player in my life. Leave them be.
There are other dumb girls you need to give lessons to, aren't there?

Hopefully things will get better. Hopefully.


Sleepless week


Back from a Friday movie night :D
Casual hang out with dear mom and brother because I need a break from my stressful final!
Why did they name it Indominus? We've been arguing about better names for a while, lols.
Archaeorous? Palenosaur? Allinoneceptor?
Just a thought.
It's not wrong to text multiple girls at the same time. 
It's not wrong at all as you're not in any particular relationship.
But keep in mind that the girls you treated that way, they might be doing the same thing to you.
And you're gonna cry in despair when she chooses the other guy. Or if you are an ass, you're gonna deny it and tell the world how horrible she is.
Or maybe she is a melancholic romantic who gets attached really quickly to one and only guy at a time.. And you can still keep doing that to her because she is your nobody.
One way or the other,
Don't you overrate yourself. 
Don't, because the girls who text multiple guys won't choose a guy like you and the girls who stay loyal to you deserve better.


I don't give a damn anymore

Treat me as cruel as you want and I won't revenge.
In the end, I will still be smiling at you, telling you how beautiful my world is, with or without you.
It is not possible to hate someone that you really care about but it is possible to let them go for our sake.
It is a proof that I am mature enough to handle this matter. I am no longer unstable teens with uncertain troubles.
I am too young to be sad.


Just another little lonely broken heart

I can't sleep.
He crossed my mind again.
Today was a good day. I did a lot of shopping with Mom. 
I ate my favorite foods, I had ice cream too.
But late at night, I started to wonder how he is doing.
I started to question everything.
If he misses me as much as I do.
If he was ever real with me.
If this is the real him.
If I did something wrong.
If I didn't try hard enough.
If he is laughing at me.
If he hates me now.
If he wants me to fight for him.
If I was being delusional.




Good day readers,

I went to sleep with Jay Chou's song playing the whole night and I didn't feel like waking up to face reality. I just wanted the day to end as soon as possible so that I wouldn't have a thing on my mind.
But then I remembered the pain I felt 2 years ago. The self destructive thoughts, the exhaustion after sleep, the post trauma.. And I realize that this is nothing compared to what B caused. Maybe that's why I still lean toward this guy and not neutral about it (what Kekel told me). I had primacy effect. I keep on comparing him to B while both of them are not who I thought they are.

It's easier to talk about that someone when you've moved on.
B was the worst guy I've ever met in my life so far and that was the reason why I never told my family about him while.. I only told some parts of him to my best friends. I knew we were too different and things wouldn't work out, so I didn't want to blow it out though we kept seeing each other. For months after the heart break, I cried quietly, got sick, got drunk, party hard..secretly.. My parents thought it was normal. I was young, yet the scar he left made me a mature woman, still not enough. I don't just choose who I want to fall in love with.

Then this guy...I know him well, I love his family too. I love how much I feel safe with him and the comfort he brings. I love the familiarity, his childish acts, his wit, his attention. But he nipped in the budd. The lament I am feeling made mom questioned me and.. because I never talk about a close friend before.. Mom was very concerned about me. She supports whatever my decision is and constantly asks about how I am feeling. The best thing about my mom is that she never force or poison me with her own mind. 
Yesterday, my uncle a.k.a foster dad called to comfort me. I guess mom must have told him about my break downs. He told me to be strong and other nice stuffs.
In addition, my best friends are always there when I need them. They always have my back and encourage me to do the right thing when my mind is so foggy with thoughts and assumptions.

All these caring people in my life, I might not have felt their presence had I not been in this state. But then there is no rainbow without a little rain. 
Thank you for asking, calling, encouraging, constantly tag and send me motivational quotes, not probing into my problems but still be there when I need a hug and shoulder to lean on, listening to my disappointment, watching me cry, accompanying me with karaoke nights and drinks, texting with me the whole time..
I know I have a very very stubborn heart. It is obviously deaf.
I only want to hear what I want to hear and often I defend him no matter what you guys said.
But you guys are the best, thanks for not getting tired saying the same thing over and over again.

Lol, this is not a thesis or death will.
To my girls and boys , thanks for being very good listeners and for boosting me with positivity. Asoi and lar my 911, my always available callers. CL has always been rational kick-asses. And the other wise experts too.
To my diamonds, thanks for defending my pride when I nearly lost them, sending me quotes, reciting the same things again and again "Juliana, you're a diamond" or "Don't be stupid". I never meant to tell them anything but they snooped it out anyway.
To N, thank you for the damage control.

The truth is, I don't know how it will end, but seriously.. I've passed the biggest storm in my life when B left and of course this too shall pass. The only thing that makes it difficult is that I still wish things would get better. I still wish one of us would do something.
I haven't been in any "real serious" relationship and clearly I need guidance.
It's not that I didn't fight. I did. But the more I fight, the further he goes. And it's torturing my soul. 
Nevertheless, I understand that maturity means being willing to let go of people I care about bcs I put their happiness first. 


Falling Apart

I was too immersed.
I thought I could finally settle down a bit after my long tiring escapism.
I was too naive. And sadly I didn't learn from my stupid mistake.

I wanted to fight. So bad.
But how do I fight for someone who doesn't feel the same way?
I never like competition. And clearly, I love a human, not a freakin trophy.
I finally got courage to fight but all I got was cold shoulder and silence.
I can't live like this. Really.

I have everything to lose when I chose him. My friend, my brother, my mentor. And I am sinking. This ship is fucking sinking.

The thing with my past hasn't been easy. I needed time to let it all go.
I hadn't trusted anybody then, nor had I been serious because I knew all I ever wanted were friends to talk to. I knew damn well not to rebound and rush into replacement relationship.
Then the wheel was in motion again after 2 years. I thought it wasn't gonna go wrong, I admired him and I knew him well enough. Someone finally put the lights back in my eyes but out of the blue, it stopped. For god sake. 

How long do I need to recover? Again? 
They said let time heal but do I need to wait for another two years to fix the broken pieces?
I wish I could tell him how much I care about him but..he hasn't been himself lately.
Do you know what the worst thing is? I don't even know what's going on and I can't hate him at all. Despite all the questions and words left unsaid, or the way he treated me..I still feel too much and he doesn't.

I am not okay. Smiling seems like the loudest cry. 
But I want you to be okay. I do.
Even if I have to stay away from you. For reasons that were never explained.
It's not your fault, it's my fault for falling too hard. It's my fault because I am a faithful good girl with no back up plans.
She didn't even know the reason why.
She just wanted to cry.
Maybe it was the silence.
Or the song.
Or her thoughts.


I'm not the only one.


I haven't been well for the past week-- well as in psychologically well.
I knew I had made a mistake once I started to let someone talk to me day and night.
I shouldn't have.

Just a little thought before I go to bed.
Falling in love is the worst feeling ever. But falling in love with your best friend is the worst of the worst.
Why so?
Because once you knew it would never work, you'd regret everything because things would never be normal again. And as wiseman said, you have to let "them" go. Both the guy you fell for and your best friend. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with. 

Point taken. 


Fight it or run away with it?

Die diery,

I think I stepped out of my neutral ground for a moment. Then, I am already caught up in the middle of something.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I don't know if I am becoming weird.
All I want is to fight it off, but a part of me wants to run away with it.
It makes things a lot worse. A hella worse.




I'm so glad that I finally found my base line. My neutral ground. It's so comfortable and safe, I think I'm gonna stay here forever.
Neutral ground is the place where your heart is perfectly secured from any heart-break potential. So, it's kinda like the perks of a long term numbness. I'm not afraid of rejection, isolation, not now.. I used to have some kind of stupid anxiety when any significant person didn't reply my texts. 
But now I'm just cool and I don't care whatever others think about because as far as I concern everyone is just as important as their unimportance.

That's the bright side, on the other side... I'm goin crazy bcs my work and study is after me.
I'm havin my mid term test but I can't focus bcs every deadline is haunting me.
Once again, crazy.
I work in an intense work pace, I like things settled fast. I hate them piling in my head while I'm havin my meal.
Today I had a meeting at work. The bad news is, I'm one of the 12 book compilers at my work place-- I compile IELTS book, which is a lot of work.
I know my boss trusts me but.. really? Is it a gift or a burden?
It has to finish in June. Included second task, which is: preparing examination questions. And afterwards, during my Final at college, I am already selected to be a jury and leader of some kind of English speaking contest for senior students. Wait, leader here is not a boss. It's more likely I prepare materials related to the category, train the contestants, this and that too--which I have finished in 2 days with D's help, told ya I'm speedy.
But still. I am taking a seminar class, I need it done in June! And report about my group's apprenticeship too! 
I am having a hard time setting my priorities right.
And. I have this exam tomorrow. And seminar draft plus assignment to be submitted next Monday, geez. I need a break.
But I had better start cramming now. 
Uh, ttyl.



Die Diery,

Honestly, I can't even differ what's lust and love anymore. My head is so messed up. I get confused over many things. I wish I could stop over analyzing things.
I struggled fighting myself. And when I thought it was real, the feeling was already gone.
I don't know if I deserve anyone, I don't know what's or who's real.
I've hurt people and I've been hurt too, I just don't know which one is worse.



Die Diery,

It was just a cool chit-chat with my bestie and my favorite cousin. We were talking bout getaways.
I am in my ZEN mood, meaning peaceful and content, not necessarily needing a holiday yet except that my other bestie asked me for another rave party at BALI, wtfffff, I just cant resist. Ok, it's hard to ignore bcs I have never been to Bali and I had always wanted to go to Dreamsfield (google it) !!
But..I have just come back from Krabi, my skin has gotten darker, and the biggest problem is.. I hardly have the cash, it's Bali dude, it's just a lot of expense and as a Miss Independent, I  don't want to bother my parents with my selfish wish.

I have a lot of things I rush to achieve but I haven't made much progress yet. So tonight I wrote it down. I remember my lecturer saying about sth dreams, that we have to jot it down. I remember what my aunt say about dreaming big, and believing that God has all the powers.
I am just too realistic for a dream-come-true stuff. But not tonight.
I need positive vibe from all the whole world so that I could save enough money by August. I need all luck in the core of this mother Earth so that I could achieve my goals. And I need every good thing to happen as my bucket lists are getting longer.

#ineedajob #ineedtwojobs #ineedmiracle



Die Diery,

Other than not being late to work which I've failed, I have found another resolution!
So it started like this, a friend of mine who has been practicing acupuncture was talking to me one day when he suddenly told me about how unhealthy I looked. "Could be some digestion problem", he said. Then he advised me to cut down alcohol consumption. I was like 'Damn. How..'
It wasn't how for "How to cut it down?" but it's more like"How could he know?"
No one outside of my best friends, God and myself really know how much I love to get myself high even though I don't tolerate much alcohol.
For the record, I was never an alcoholic.
I was consumptive, but I never thought it would be so obvious.

Fyi, I never started drinking because "it was cool" sort of excuses.
And as any normal gullible teenage girl, I used to think that alcohol is poison, unhealthy, addictive and it tastes like medicated oil!
I was never keen of trying, I was very reserved instead.
It all changed till I had my firsts. Every first has its own story and it is always kept well in the memory, even in the state of being tipsy.

B introduced me to his world. His dark side.
When I had my first beer, first wine.. I was spoiled. I drank them up to prove that I wasn't as kiddo as  he thought.
And eversince he left, drinking was the only thing that keeps me attached to him, nothing else. It's the only thing that could bring back memories when the smell of his perfume isn't around.
So I started drinking, to remember and to forget the same thing. I found it comforting. I never keep it from my parents. They always know whenever I took out scotch glasses, they just don't know why.
And they let me sip more and more of their collections. Alone, in my room, till I got real heavy head and I slept in. I continued drinking away all my problems, not realizing that it isn't about my heart break anymore. Maybe it has healed. Maybe it has drown away. Maybe I'm drinking to kill the silence, to let go of something else. So maybe I should stop now to show the world that I'm attached to nothing. No one.

For the sake of my health I promise that I am going to solve my drinking habit.



There's no hole in her shoe, but a big hole in her world

I am a Cancer with water as my element. 
Everyone knows what a mood-swinger a Cancer is.
Mostly I have food-swing. I apt on binge eating or starve myself. Now, unfortunately I eat a lot.
Chinese new year cookies effect *sobs*

Few days ago a friend said sth about me that dazzled me.
"You are acting like you're laughing and smiling but you seem like faking it to cover your sadness. You look very sad and stressed out"

Well, the next sentence he said was " I know bcs I've been there too" made me consider it a crack joke but it does make sense.

In my daydream, I have been thinking about how to react when I meet him again. 
Yes, that junk that I've forgiven.
I used to think I would pretend as I never knew him. But that's what a coward would do.
After a thorough consideration, I think I should first give the warmest smile like I was never crestfallen, then say hi (him first or not at all) and go before my inner God scream for more.
Yes, it's a daydream. It's never gonna happen.

I feel alright. I am. But there really is a space needs mending.
I forgive. And I am not hard to please.
I have a hardened ice wall in my heart but it is as quick-melt as mozzarella cheese.
Which is why, God never update me anything about the ghost.
I'm clueless, which makes me wonder a lot at night.
Maybe all I ever wanted was an explanation, or an apology or a confession of whatever plot I was put into, for the time I've wasted mending a hole without tools.
Only then, I could complete the missing space.



THIS dress is driving me nuts!
It's definitely NOT blue and black!


Eyes misty
Lullabies playing 
Darkness crawling
Heart pounding


It isn't the coffee, it prolly isn't my assignment which keep me awake.
I think it's a sign.
When I saw someone post a picture of her birthday boyfriend today, I had no idea at all till a sudden blitz of memory told me that it's someone else's birthday too.


Afraid to Love

I turn away
       and close my heart--
       to the promise of love
       that is luring.

For the past has taught
       not to be caught,
       in what is not
       worth pursuing--

To never do
        the things I've done
        that once had led
        to my undoing.

Lang Leav
Love Misadventure
Happiness is like candyfloss,
Light and sweet,
Slowly immersing to your suite

What You Deserve

I expect nothing from a relationship, but happiness.
It's not about what car he drives, or where he lives, or how much his watch is..
Or whatever.
I think we will all fall back to comfort.
Comfort wins at all costs.
Similarity second.
Standard could be number zero or number three. 

I have one little secret which proves comfort is a priority.
I shared it with one of my dear friends while we were having beer.
Whenever I look back, I know how silly it sounds, how careless.
Why would I be towed so far away leaving my standard number Z?
Because comfort wins-- sometimes after standard, sometimes before. Nevertheless, once it wins it will always be on top, you can't undo the feelings.
That's love.

Whoever tell you money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop. It sure as hell buys anything.
But remember, you don't need money to find one.
You deserve to be happy with someone who makes you smile without even trying.
You deserve to be protected by someone who is a keeper.
You deserve to be comfortable with someone who hugs tenderly.
When you feel how precious you are for that someone, that's happiness.

If you, as I, haven't found our happiness..
No worries.
Good things do go to those who work their asses off, but..love is patience.

P.S. I would rather post ten more of my thoughts than start thinking about my assignment. Geez.


talk a lot when I am drunk.
Nothing is sadder than drinking alone.

The Woman

Men say that women are hard to understand.
That we tend to complicate things.
Yes, we do.

All  she ever wanted was to speak the truth,
But she fears,
When he smiled with satisfaction,
Throwing words around,
Making her an object of foolishness,
We can't be more" he said.

But she wants more,
They just can't.

he's not worth it

I said there are three kinds of guys, but as the law of probability says, it's probable that he's a gay and taken, a gay and a jerk, or a jerk and taken. Worst.. a gay, a jerk and taken. It's possible. 
My friends said it's normal to be a little mad, it happened to them too. But it has happened to me twice. I have always tried to see the best in people. Somehow it just confused me. 
Some said I had nothing to lose, but taking time to consider opening my heart was already my loss.
Glad I didn't lose any further.
But... *sigh*




Unconditional Love versus Lust

Have you ever loved someone so deep that it ripped your soul when you were permanently apart from each other? 
When you love someone unconditionally, no matter how much you were hurt, you could never be mad for long.
You sincerely wish him nothing but happiness despite what he did. Maybe he is not fated to love you  but you do hope the other girl is worth it. Just as long as he's happy with his life with or without you in it. Angry and weak at first but as soon as you let go of things, you gain your peace. 

By way of contrast, lust is a completely different thing. It's an initiation in every kind of feeling. If he broke your heart in this stage, you might wish he got his damn Karma. May he got broken worse than what he did to you. Karma is a bitch and it chases like wildfire. 

I've had both. The latter one is a quick-recovery, yet torturing with jealousy. So pray hard, may he be served what he deserves.

My kind of Valentine

1.You Ruin Me by The Veronicas
2.Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding
3.Terlalu Lama Sendiri by Kunto Aji
4.Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo
5.Ghost by Ella Henderson
6.Don't by Ed Sheeran


I don't do Valentines

Guess what I'm doin.
I am shuffling my music track for the coming 14th Feb.
Seems I have plans on Valentine's day.
Plan A: listen to sad songs while getting drunk with wine all alone in my bed.
I know it sucks, really sucks. So, I made a back up plan.
Plan B: get my friends to spend time at the club and go crazy.
This one is a lot better, club is definitely the place where you won't feel lonely bcs all the love birds are having dinner, leaving single mingles.
But here comes big problem. Who are the friends I am referring to?
No one! Well, I haven't asked but I don't think I could find another pack of sad souls.
My God.. Since when did I become so unsocialized..?

I'm thinkin. My Chuck Bass can't be him who had no guts to ask me for a movie; not him who never carried out his plan to bring me for a swim and whatever quality time he talked about; not him who promised to buy me things that I never asked for; not him who ignored me out of the blue; not him who has hundreds of women friends in his Path; and not him who promised that he'd miss me before leaving without a trace indeed.
I'm tired of cheap talks.
Obviously real men are not those who promise you stuff that they won't do. And certainly not those who experimented with the softest part of your heart.

You know, maybe Valentine doesn't suit me at all.
Speaking of experience, I used to stay up all night to mould many many chocolates and share the 'love' but I'm sick of kiddo stuff.
Valentine is for kids and profits of chocolate factories and restaurants!
Yea, the truth is I'm upset. The helllll.

Good night


Blair Cornelia Waldorf

Bow down minions,

I have always adored her. She's strong, straight-forward, manipulative, yet beautiful, funny, protective and one quality of hers which fascinated me is that she always knows what she wants and of course ways to get it. 
She has a Chuck Bass who shares his dark side with her since the first through the finale episode. Perfect.
Well, Leighton played her really well that makes her real queen B.
If you have T.Swift or A.Grande, I have B.Waldorf as my muse.

But right now I'm feeling more like Serena VDW. Drifting from one heart to another and never really knows what she wants. It took her 5 years to find her true love who had been around her all the time!
I'm so confused about Dan Humphrey! One season he said he loved Blair unconditionally and next he told Serena that she had always been the one.
At least they ended up as I wanted, Chair and Derena together, leaving me the golden boy Nate Archibald, but no, Nate has had his issues, he's just as confused as Serena.
I can talk about my favorite characters fervently all day :)

Good night,