Don't worry don't cry, drink vodka and fly

Dear Diery,

This year passes by very quickly. I thought it would be longer.
Well, 2014 has been great. It has been a year full of restrain, too. Restrain from falling in love, restrain from texting the people I miss, from trusting, even hating.
I guess I just wanted time to pass, so I didn't count the days. 
This year, I'm tired of repressing my emotions. I can't remember the last time I really cried.
need a break.

Have I always told you about how dull my days are?
They are.
The same days, routine, people, nobody cares.
Over here I'm filled with thoughts of studies, final assignments, bills, cleaning the closet, envious of others' traveling pictures.. 
It's incomplete without the other half, don't you think? It lacks positivity.
Do you know my favorite saying? It is.. "love when you're ready not when you're lonely"
 I'm a  yes-or-not-at-all kinda person. I'm not putting sb in the midst of my uncertainty and leave.
Tell me, how old is my soul now?

I'm gonna tell you the best thing happening in 2014.
It was my trip to Jakarta. First, I truly went there for DWP 2014. A rave party.
I planned to live on my own bcs I couldn't find a travel companion. But at last I decided to live with my aunt bcs I wouldn't be home for several days anyway.
And to my biggest surprise was that I actually haven't met or even talk to them maybe for 10 years or so. Yet they welcomed me with warmth of a family. Something that I honestly say, is rarely felt with my other cousins. (As I ever told you, I don't have many relatives around. I'm a lonely dove)
That made me comfortable, even though I felt kinda excluded from the siblings when they left me alone in the bedroom at night.
But it was fun. Really. DWP was awesome too. My first rave ever, but not my last yet. It was 2 of the best nights in my life. The charming DJs all over the world.. I am no party hats but I gotta admit it brought my poor dancing to the next level.
Oh, and I also went to Bandung just for a night, where I spent like half of my bills while I was out town for 9 days.

What do I get during my marvelous trip? FAT. I get fat. And I couldn't normalize my diet. I ate like 5 times a day. I get stressed out when I get fat, and I get fat when I get stressed out! 

I'll be looking at my previous new year resolution and make a new one soon.



I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around

It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all

By: Five seconds of summer


Late night thoughts

Maybe she deserves this.
To be alone, half pathetic.

She is too broken to see within anyone, to sense the right person.
Like a frantic bird, no home to stay..
She doesn't want to receive the love she thinks she can't return.
She had it once. And it hurts.
She believes someday, she'll have a chest to rest on. Arms to hold, cheeks to kiss. 
But someday.. someday everyone leaves. 
No one likes waiting. Not even time.
No company.

Go healthy!

It was raining hard till 9a.m this morning so I had to skip the gym because my bed won't let me me leave it with the romantic sound of the rain. Besides,I slept real late last night, Idk why but i'm havin trouble sleepin lately. 
Somehow waking up late charged my body. Felt like doing something productive (due to the guilt of skipping yoga and functional classes), I checked my fridge and started mixing healthy things: fruits!
I always put yoghurt in my juices, so this time I actually made apple with yoghurt and yakult juice (and a few pieces of papaya to color). Well it's a long name, so I'll just call it Moodbooster.
Excited to taste, I pour it in the Scotch glass bcs I couldn't find anything else hahaha.
It tastes so good but I just used my last- half piece of apple that I  couldn't make another glass. Remember to put lots of yoghurt, this isn't just normal apple juice *teehee
So I tried the second challenge, this time with bananas. I still find it weird "drinking banana" but it tastes and smell really nice.

I've been in a lot of dilemma about my morning sip.
I always have a cup of hot milk in the morning, and mom usually makes a glass of juice for me after the milk, then I bring a bottle of warm lemon water anywhere I go.
But I've just read an article about having warm lemon water first in the morning because it's good for digestion and liver.
Now, I'm just so confused about which to drink first -.-



Well, it's okay to let go. Whatever makes you happy, just do it.

Touch screen era, dad!

I got a new mobile phone for dad today.
It's nearly his birthday so I think it's time he changed his old qwerty-keyboard phone. I'm just soooooo proud of myself.
It's like I wanna brag to the world about it even though it doesn't cost much hahaha.
I earn money, I pay for my own lifestyle, I buy things I want, I even pay for small household fee sometimes and now I finally buy stuffs for my old man. I do so many things with my money that I finally realize why I have very little left, lol.
I'm just so happy I could make him feel proud as well.


How will you ever know what's in the box if you have never open it?

          Not depressed, not angry, not done yet, just tired of dumbness.

Compliance and Steadiness

Die Diery,

I had my DISC personality test last week and did a review about it yesterday.
Not surprisingly, I'm a person who long for steadiness and high in compliance.  I'm very well structured, so my lecturer said. Hm, yes I have a week of packed schedule and "theme" for each day, but I'm actually a very disorganized person no matter how much I want steadiness. Well, I do agree I dislike sudden change of plans that ruin my schedule, but I still like some random plans during boring days. Steadiness causes stress. When I can't find balance and lose control, my inner self conflicted and it causes the strain that I'm facing most of the days.
Andddd I'm compliant yes. Yes and yes. I never feel relieved doing something I'm not supposed to do. I never feel right wearing jeans to college even though many of us broke the rule, never feel safe playing truants since I got caught for my first truant at high school and had to march at school yard with dozen others, ah, miss them.
Always low in influence trait. Idk how to make sb like me or talk to me. I never like to force others to fit in my point of view. You don't need others to judge your quality, you know. But yeah criticisms do hurt some edges.

Anyway, these 2 weeks have been hectic and crazyyyy. I haven't had enough sleep.


No one

Die Diery,

Idk how it goes with me now but I'm just irritated by the fact that I'm gonna spend my weekend either alone or with my family only since bffs have doubled up! And yet, despite my ego to deal with my trust issues with guys (whom i will never trust before they start to act instead of lie and boast), I'm very desperately envious.
I used to love weekends, I didn't understand why people would make jokes about Saturday nights because I've always had some people I could turn to. We always had fun till I know that one day they will leave. And things will never be the same.

Medan isn't a really big city, I need to find a place to crash and new friends you know. But how..
Is my social life reaching its limit? Because I don't think I have those Saturday bestfriends anymore..
They said few true friends are enough, but not really when they aren't around.

Btw, you listened to Maroon 5's new album yet? I mean that 'Unkiss Me' song made me look back to those drunk nights.


Small and big world

Dear Diery,

It is said that this world is very small. 
This city I live in is even smaller. I could meet unexpected people at unexpected time and place.
An acquintance of mine at the gym is apparently my friend's cousin. I can say how much of a coincidence it is. 
If this city is really small.. Why can't I run into anyone else?
But after all those collisions, why can my star not collide with the other star?
It seems like I crossed each one out.



Get a life

Dear Diery,

I love keeping myself busy all the time, but seriously I need to get a life!
I'm going back to college next week and I always have this syndrome of tiredness at the end of holiday.
Well, I'm busy enough the past month so I can't imagine what I'm gonna be once the routine restarted-- sleepless nights, assignments, and morning classes, the sorts that kill me psychologically.
This holiday was different. I no longer wake up late and do movie marathon (only on certain lazy days), instead, I went to the gym nearly every morning. I figure out that I just love working out, it makes me feel stronger ;)

It's the end of the month... Most of my friends have gone back to the city and country where they continue their studies. I miss them already, huh. Anyway, I have never been poorer since I decided to pay everything with my own cash which makes life kinda harder for me. I'm still trying to keep my feet on the ground though, gee, half proud and half tortured lol.  There are so many wishlists and bucketlists to fulfill. I've cut my expense in shopping, or even Starbucks but it's still difficult to save. Can I really go to the U.S next year, seeing there's no chance I could make it up myself...?



Pasta Day

wish veggies could stay fresh longer. I checked my refrigerator and I had to cook them up before they go bad.
It isn't all perfecto because my Spaghetti Aglio e Olio was too greasy and I finally learnt that it has to be served right away to prevent it becoming too oily.
Then I added broccoli (to clear my fridge) in the fettuccini and my food reviewer (brother) said they don't go along and I shouldn't have cut up those tuna.
Spaghetti Aglio e Olio for lunch and Spicy Tuna Fettuccini for dinner <3


Everything eventually comes to an end.

Do you believe how fast and slow time heals human's heart?
It's been a year since that day.
Well I passed the date which I thought I'd never forget, so I guess I do get better after all.
And you know what?
It really is easier if you think OR at least made to think that he's vanished. 
The truth is, I never know the truth.


Lost star

Die diery,

I was often asked about my goal and my livelong dream.
All I could ever say was "I don't know". Then, my inner voice whispered "happiness".
Well, I'm satisfied with everything but it's simply incomplete.


The right people will come to you, and stay.

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a human heart can hold -- Zelda Fitzgerald

Die Diery,

Today I coincidentally confessed to a friend about how much I despise his friend.
And after what happened, he hit me right at "Your heart is really soft". 
Well, it's true as what I've always described about myself--fragile, like Chinese flower pot.

I'm stunt by the fact that there are actually people who could piss me off without doing anything. Today, I realized that I have a pair of them.  I'm certainly not a saint,  nor am I a naive teenage anymore. You've gotta meet some kind of people whose dialog never goes right for you and your auras might just counter each other. It is said that the heart of a woman is like ocean and its depth cannot be measured. I detest his presence that's all, I hope it isn't too deep.
I don't judge people. I don't wanna act smart by saying what type of person he is. But I do know well that he's the "I just don't like him" type. Sounds really selfish hahaha, who cares, nothing to hide.
Manipulative or fake or boastful or haughty? 
None of them is a good quality of human.


I'm a cook!

Holiday is officially overrrrr :(
I've been spending good amount of time upgrading my cooking skill.
The pictures above are only some of the food I cooked.
I used to be a very lousy person in the kitchen that I couldn't even fry frozen french fries properly.
But yesterday I cut the potatoes and fried them myself!
I made chocolate pudding, soup, cheese cake and mashed potato (but I didn't make the gravy) and many more!
My love in cooking didn't outweigh my laziness until I realize how amazing is a woman who cooks.
So here I am, waking up in the morning to cook a new dish, then eat it up (getting awfully fat), cook lunch together with grandma as we have no catering on holiday then go grocery shopping in the afternoon after lookin up new recipe, clean them up. REPEAT .
I went to the supermarket and learn the names of veggies too! 
I'm glad mom always helps me out, be my best company and biggest sponsor in my autodidactic lesson.
Of course I failed in some attempts and had to throw "money" away and  sometimes I think why would I do the cooking and clean up if I could just eat out and order fine dishes?
Seriously, cleaning is the WORST part of cooking. 



Dear Diery,

I finally met up with my old classmates after 5 years!
I did keep in touch with some of them till the very last of high school year, but I haven't met most of them since I moved to science class.
They were my classmates for 14 years and high school literally decide who the friends of your life are!
They are still the same people I knew but it felt different and awkward to sit among them, especially in the first hour. We used to hold each other's arms and laugh hard at stupid jokes, but when time washes away those feelings, you go bland.
They brought up tons of memories in our reunion group  and I kept on trying to recall those missing pieces. I remember Ben used to fight with me in primary school, I used to be close with a many girl in the picture, the love life of primary students, WU went to the same tuition with me, the movie day at JC's and all the lability of adolescents.
Time flies pals. They are now grown ups and lookin good, havin good life as well.
I've missed them greatly, I told you, didn't I?





I can't believe I turned 20 a week ago. I'm 20. 
No matter how many candles I blow, I do have one little wish that I keep for myself and it retains forever.
I used to imagine what I'd be when I'm not a teenager anymore and now that I'm not, I could feel the weighs on my shoulder.
I've got almost everything that I need in my simply ornated life.  But almost is never enough.
I won't be asking for maturity bcs I know I have got it since I was a lot younger, but now I need courage. I need to stand on my feet, not fly away nor fall on the ground. I am a hesitate person but I wish I were not. I wish I'd be given this strength and will to work hard as ever, companions on my best and worst days or those days between and blessings in every choice that I make.
I wish for stability in my study, job, mood and even relationships. Anyway my latest GPA was embarassing. It seems cum laude is a little far-reached now :( I wish I could graduate in time as my plan.

can't tell you how thankful I am for every blessing that I have so far. 
Every step that I take is just a beginning of new challenges but God sent me angels we call 'friends' who stay with me.
For once every year, I feel really really loved.
Even though I got teased and annoyed all the time but well, at least I know I mean something. Just as what they mean to me :)
Thank you for everything you guys. Me love you.

The rest of them have been posted in my instagram, check @julquerade
Lol idk why and when they started calling me princess but thank you for the cake,it was really cute and 
I myself can't even think of giving this decorated cake for a 20 y/o girl. You guys make me feel younger :p
I admit that I'm a boring introvert and that I don't talk really much with everybody so it's not easy to make friends with many staffs at pucca but thanks again pucca lopelope. Hihi.

Michelle is sort of a brilliant student I'd say. Sometimes I could see my reflection in her young soul. 
She's a caring sister too. Her sister and her bought me KFC on my birthday. Out of nowhere, seriously  KFC as birthday gift hahaha.

craziest #bffs taking picture with the birthday cake, without the birthday girl. Still love you guys :*
This year pinle n fred can't join the surprise(surely fail) but the gang was real good. xoxo
Special for 'yanto' who came from Binjai yet couldn't join the dinner bcs he had to fly back to KL: I know you didn't purposely come but thank you tannn :D


My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations

My hearts hurts whenever somebody does something nice to me yet Idk how to return the favor.
Moreover the sacrifices they did, all the words they said. Does it make me  a bad person..? 
Idk what to say. Idk how I'm feeling.


I dreamt of B after a long long time. I mean, what's the point? I never think of him anymore, why now? 
I wish I had slapped him twice. Hahaha.


The world is not a wish-granting factory-A.W

Obviously there is a reason why I can't sleep tonight. I think it's because I watched the fault in our stars this afternoon.
I fell in love with the characters in the movie.
How could I feel so unhappy with my present life while they could laugh even when they knew that they had to prepare a eulogy for each other?



Rain is bless

You could either cry under the rain or dance with La La La song under the rain. I choose the latter one ;)







Can I just pass June every year? 
2 years in a row, feeling blue in June.
I can compose a song already lol.

Anyway it wasn't all blue and gray.
My cousins are finally back from the US. After 7 years! 
I really miss them and they r all grown up. Actually they've been here for two weeks but we only  get to hang out last nite bcs I'm havin exam.
Nothing changes much, except that Yuvender is very very tall now. His American accent made me laugh when he tried to speak Chinese with my grands. 
Hey you gotta practice "Ni hao" everyday!
Yuvella is getting prettier and she's finally 18 and going to uni this summer. She's majoring in nursing!
She keeps a lot of memories here in her hometown but her brother has no idea except sayin it's hot here. I can't agree more.
We seperated as kids and reunited as teens. Time fliesss.
Mami and papi don't change at all, still the same faces only a little older hahaha.
Finally get to hug and talk not from LINE nor Facetime!

I intend to visit them next year, pls pls make it come true!


The night they arrived. These aren't all their luggage yet.


Leave before you are left

I think I have enough.
I'm not  someone who could see myself shatter.
Not someone who could give away my pride for cold shoulders.
I still care and the fact is, no matter how much of a jerk sb is, I care too much.
It's a circle. Again. I'm the same hamster running in the same wheel. 
But I'm tired.
I don't understand why sb could change in a matter of days.
It hurts me the more I try to seek the answer
Ppl change. It's our nature.
It's my fault for my silly thought.
It's on me.
And I keep on telling myself to wait a little longer.
Idk. Easy come easy go. 
It seems so wrong to wish for a sweeter life. 



Die Diery,

I hate spilling over my feelings here "again" but I just can't contain it.
Sometimes I feel so happy that I could die but, occasionally, I question myself if what I'm feeling is  real or is it just happening in my head.
I'm a really bad guesser but I do think a lot. I call it overthinker.
So, when this person showed up and made me wonder this and that with every little thing he did... I resent feeling insecure. I think I am an oxytocin addict. I get attached pretty firmly if you talk to me every day and night.
You know I used to see the little goodness in a jerk I knew before but it went off awfully in the end. 
Past experience makes me a little vulnerable.



Good Night.

Die Diery,

I must say that I have had good night sleeps lately. I'm so glad I do.


No shopping malls.

Die Diery,

I was cleaning my wardrobe a few days ago n I found my beach outfits hanging, still with labels attached, waiting to be taken to a vacation. Also, I found pretty heels ready for parties. The bad news is, I was shocked to see some of my shoes fragmented from their soles and leather bags gone nearly pulverized.
I regret wearing them only once in a blue moon *cry*



I just looked into a folder containing a hella of old pictures. During junior and secondary years with my old classmates. Yes, the one before I got moved to science 03.
Out of the blue, I feel like everything has changed. 
I should have kept in touch, I should have kept our friendship, but things changed and people changed. I think I was a happier kid when I was with them. I mean, I remember they were fun and crazy and everything I could ever asked but well, yeah.. I can't remember why I left.
I don't even know what to say whenever I meet them. It's so awkward, it feels as if they're strangers or at least I am.

But in lonely days, even stranger seems good enough.


Among a zillion maybes

It always rains whenever the sun starts to shine. 
While the heart has been desperately hoping it would be sunshine..
Traces leave. They fade away.



I feel like a hamster running bouts the same circle. Tripped and fell once, got up, and tripped again. The point is, I know I shouldn't be running on the same circle anymore but..
Maybe I should just give up on whatever I doubt before my curiosity kills me.

College's 15th anniversary. Glad to be here.



The Virgin Mary shed tears at Jesus' plight, and carnations sprang up from where her tears fell. Thus the carnation became the symbol of a mother's undying love.

I can hear my heart beating fast.

Due to my past experience, thank you, now I have no idea of how to set a proper boundary between "just friends" and "more than friends"


Head or Heart


I finally decided not to go for the exchange program.
So, bye birthday in Russia!
This year seems like another normal one.
Sometimes you just have to choose, and when it comes to "vacation", you wish you don't have too.
I do hope I won't regret it.

Anyway, I'm starting my voice blog at sound cloud, but I don't dare to post it yet. 
Don't ask me whyyy.

You can check out my covers here: 


Exactly how I feel right now.

I can see your shadow laying in the moonlight
I can feel your heartbeat playing on my right side
Every night I long for this, makin' up what I miss
I can hear you breathing letting out a sad sigh

You try so hard to hide your scars
Always on your guard

Don't, don't let me go
Don't make me hold on when you're not
Don't, don't turn away
What can I say so you won't
No don't, don't let me go... 

I can see the skyline fading in the distance
Tears are comin' down
I'm trying just to make sense
I don't listen to the radio just the engine and the road
I wonder if my words are makin' any difference

I dream and then it seems to end
But always comes again


I'm comin' down
To where you're standing
I need you now or you'll be watchin'
Me hit the ground
With crash landing... 


Don't let me go... 
Don't let me go...

By: The Click Five



I'm so messed up.
At this point, I feel like I've always made wrong decisions.
I've been keeping distance. 
But when I've finally found comfort, I made mistakes. I spoiled the chances. Or he did.
It doesn't make any sense. 
Okay, stay cool.

Whenever I'm drown in loneliness, I either stay up real late or get drunk, just to get a good night sleep. No nightmares, no hopes, no thoughts. And it's tomorrow again.

P.S. Today I got my interview result, I passed! Well, I still don't know whether I really want to go.
But, this morning, I prayed to God to give me signs, that whatever comes out is the best thing for me.
That's it. 


There are times when you finally realized how pretentious yourself is. Acting like you're strong enough when you know you're so broken inside. Laughing so hard when you know that all you ever need are ears to listen to you. Telling yourself that you're okay because it's just too painful, you're just too upset and sad to cry. Because there's no word that could express how you feel.

True disappointment is when you can't even cry or show your emotion, you just bury them deep. And life goes on.

It's okay pals. It's a process. Maturity is not defined by age. Instead, it takes a lot of experiences, hard times, good times, heart breaks and it doesn't stop there.

It changes you. 



Don't Let Me Go - The Click Five
Demons - Imagine Dragon
Under Control - Calvin Harris
Royals - Lorde
City of Dreams - Alesso
Holy Grail - Jay Z
Fearless - Taylor Swift
Counting Stars - One Republic
Thong Hua - Guang Liang

I know I'm feeling something else when I started listening to Fearless.


Die Diery,

Eversince I woke up from my nightmare, I've been feeling gray.


I like you

I think I finally get over you. 
It's been quite some time since I've had a crush.
And this guy just washed you away from my head.
I really really really like him. 
I do, since the first time we met.
This feeling is so light and it's completely different from the one I had before.
Like a high schooler, I wrote his name on my notebook and I sang Archuleta's song.
I keep waiting for his texts, geez.


Birthday girls.

Happy birthday to my girls at Jakarta!!
These girls are ones of those who always listen to my complaints and make me feel at ease.  
They made me laugh when I couldn't, listened to me crying when I wanted to and accompanied me  when I needed to be. 
I like to cry alone, but it feels better when you have somebody else to comfort you.
It's too bad we can't celebrate, but I do wish you a happy happy birthday.. #BFF

You live everyday, you only die once.

I'm sorry that I have trust issues.
The truth is, everyone is just using somebody else for something.
I wish I could pack up and  leave, just like what you did.

Status: vacation needed.


I haven't cried for 6 months, I'm emotionless now.

I hate having trouble sleeping. My mind is always wandering around. 
It doesn't have to go back to how it used to be, I've let go. 
I just need to know that you're alive and breathing. 


Namaste O:)

Deadlines break me psychologically.
I have 4 assignments due next week. Already thinking of refreshing :'(


This is the end.. Close your eyes and count to three..

I can't remember my last dinner with a nice guy, who happened to be you.
The thing is, I know I'm touchy. That one fine dinner wasn't bad at all.
But, if there's one day I'd be over you, I want him to be the right person.
I had enough falling for you who at least had some histories with me. I don't want to fall for somebody whom I can't have anymore. It sucks.
I've completely lost you.  I still do the stupid ritual at night but it's meaningless now.
Because I didn't do hope. You asked me to, once. And you took it away. 
So I don't do hope.
I will still carry your heart on my sleeve, until I find him, just to make sure that I won't fall for the wrong guy anymore.
Don't let the history repeat itself.


The last thing I want is to fall for another person. You are troublesome enough.

Hello boo!
I misssss blogging.
I'm doing a big project and I know I will succeed if I work for it.
It's quite a news, a turnover of a hectic life, maybe. 
At least it keeps me super busy, that I have kinda forgotten all my problems.

What's up?
I'm getting some weight andddddd, I have acnes all over my face. This is stressful.
Working out to get back my shape is really difficult -.-