New Year Resolution 2014


This 2013 has been a very tough year. I had a lot of new experiences, my first in a hell lots of things.
I remember ended 2012 with a lot of hesitation and finally grieved around in 2013.
I'm not doing it this coming year, I will live my days and nights peacefully, and maybe still think about the unforgettable moments some nights but that's gonna be all right.
I didn't complete any of my previous resolution, what a waste. But I know as much as stupid things I did, I did many things that I never regret.

It's still hard to forget you, moreover seeing you in my dream the last few nights. I still miss your name, your smell, your voice and everything, sometimes. You're coming back but believe me, after today, I'm done as though it's the hundredth swear.

Another resolution in 2014, I'm going to gym yeayyyy!! I'm taking it seriously now.
I wish to take a sewing lesson as my resolution to learn music was really abandoned, hope I could do in this year.

Can't think of any other goals, writing again soon. 

Btw it's less than 2 hours to new year, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 viewers!

@Julquerade :)


The fear of new year.

I dreamt of you. And it broke me to see you so clearly right in front of my face. 
There was another woman.
I want you to be gone, yet I'm aware of how you're doing. 
But if you ever come back, I know I won't be able to let you go one more time.. I know I'd take the fall and spend another year to mend it.
You're a ghost.. 
Yes, you are.


Silent Night..

Dear Diary,

I've been busier than ever the whole month and I haven't updated anything since then.
Well, firstly, Merry Merry Xmas everyone!
Always love the celebration though it's getting less fun each year.
It's D-2 to 2014 and I have a list of resolution, one of which is to live normally again as ever. No more pretending. I can't live haunted by a coward.
The last chance you could have is the last two days. Take it or blow it.
I'm not gonna talk to you first, not even if I'm dying to know if you were dead or alive.



Take care of your body, it's the only place you will live.

I'm back again to update about my xx visit to KL for my osteoarthritis treatment :/
After I "hardly" threw away my chance to get a surgery last Monday, I finally arrived here.
I'm in Seremban to seek for another alternative other than surgery.
I've been given treatment for two days now and tomorrow will be the last bcs I'm going back to Medan afterward.
I do feel better after another injection but I really hope that it would be the last.
It's really tiring to queue for hours just to see the doctor for ten minutes and... back to the hotel in the afternoon doing nothing but sleeping bcs I can't walk much. I feel bad for mom bcs she has to come with me since there's not much to do here. She told me that as a companion she has to be stronger and she has to find a cure for me or else I won't be able to push her wheelchair in her old days.
I always feel like crying when I remember that.
Well, I could bare this pain even though I have to secretly cry and consume pain-killers trying not to worry my parents but mom's right. I have a long way to go and our parents get older each year. I will need to take care of them and before that I really have to take care of myself.

So, I'm ready to be healed. I'm getting more and more nervous each day, feeling anxious if the pain could just go away without any trace. I promised myself that I will end this year healthy and the next one too. 
I have listed my new year resolutions in my head. All it takes is one miracle.

Anyway I don't want to mark myself as a young person who has been through quite a lot but I actually learnt a lot. I learnt how to value and take care of myself bcs nobody else would, I learnt how to be grateful and most importantly, I learnt to see the love that my parents give to me.
Now..have you? See what they have done for you? Take care of the body that God gave to you? Or maybe count your blessings?



Dear mom

Today, I'm young but I'm not well. My mom is  the one who takes care of me unconditionally. So one day, when she's old and weak and she needs me, I promise that I will take care of her with all that I have. I'm grateful. Very.


Every single night

Every night when I can't sleep I count the stars. Every night when I can't sleep, the thoughts and feelings fill my belly and I feel nauseous.
And I can't believe that I-miss-you-more-everyday feeling is still here.


93 shades of blue

I was happy. Seriously, I was.
I was grateful and content with my life and sorts, I was.
But there was one thing that came in my life and made me happier than ever. 
It was ecstasy. When I lost it, I fell off miserably.
I'm not talking about "drugs" here.
I fought hard to stand again, but life isn't the same anymore.
I'm an addict and I am not cheered with what I have.
Many times, God showed me His love. I could peer through it.
I am still grateful. Always. Every second.
But the gratitude can't wash out the dissatisfaction and unhappiness that I'm feeling.
This isn't normal. 

Abraham Maslow hierarchy of needs: Belongingness and Love Needs


Some wise sayings are classic but no matter how right they sound, 
they're simply inapplicable today because 
human nowadays does not love with all his/her heart.

It's ridiculous to see people who give their everything to the person they love.
It's just as ridiculous to see people who assume love as a mathematical structure.

Comment allez-vouz?

Hi there.
I miss you, a little too much and I wish I you do too.
Feel kinda lonely sometimes and I don't know how to make it alright.

My mid test is finally over but I still got many due dates to be done.
I have to rush but I want to rest.
God, give me strength..


Happy 365 days, pallllllllll

I still remember today, the first time we really talked, and..our small talks turned us to be "pals".
We were magnetic. Those pick-up lines you made, saying that everything goes from strangers to friends to best friends to soulmates and so on. We were nearly there.
I had a lot of wishful thoughts when we were chilling.. The best part was always the arguments...or the times you texted me at your drunken nights..or normal talks about the future.

You were the first person who told me to be myself and don't change for anybody else.
The first man who wanted me to be open, who never judge me or others.
So there was no pride or shame between us bcs we could just say what's in our mind without feeling insecure.
There isn't a notch of awkwardness despite all the differences we have..
I could tell you how cold you've become and you could tell me how annoying I was when I kept on nagging like your mom.

It was great for a while till somebody stopped trying.
I'll never stop blaming myself for giving all of my love to a jerk, but after all, 
you'd always be my favorite jerk.
I can tell that I've moved on and I'm glad that we're still pals. Yes, pals.
But you are busier than ever since you moved out.
I kinda miss you, pal..


Get well soon!

I've been feeling unwell lately. I got headaches and flu.  
I feel terribly cold even in a blackout situation, that's unusual.
I barely turn on the air-con and I'm not sweating :s


Peanut butter to my jelly

Die Diery,

It's been a while since the last time I feel free and just great. It appeared to me that I might have become stronger than I thought.
Well, it's exam week and I'm glad it keeps me busy *not really, lol.

I'm so bored and I'm thinking of attending some classes, hanging out,or do something. 
Life is like an empty bottle when my besties aren't here and everyone is just busy with his or her life while I'm not.
What do you suggest?
Meet new people I guess.

I'm not a fine cook, but I hope you don't mind to wife me. #yes #pickupline #lol



I'm sooo blessed that I'm my mom's daughter.
She's all cool and just amazing.
I told her that I wanted to have a tattoo the other day and she granted it this morning, awhile after we met a tattooed shop assistant.
It was the best Saturday morning. We sent my brother to school and grabbed coffees then we shopped like teenagers 😍
On our way home, it came up like a random idea.
I wasn't prepared, so I decided to have my own name tattooed. Haha. 
Mom had "another" tattoo as well!
Dad is uber cool with our randomness, most open-minded parents ever <3

Already thinking to have my second one :b


*prone to depression mood*

We live to die anyway, so what's the point of living without getting what you want?
Without feeling happy?


I'm staring at the mess I made.

My short vacation to Jakarta was quite epic!
I went there to watch Jay Chou's concert and to spend a little time out from my stressfulness.
It was a great concert with great buddies.
The boys came downtown from Bandung on Sunday and we had much fun for the culinary trip.
I met AJ too, my junior high classmate, whom I believe wasn't close with me at all. But he was being so nice by taking us for dinner :)
Glad to know that some of my pasts still remember me.
Super thanks to my girls for the memorable days :*

These pics make me smile but I sometimes wish I could disappear and restart my life from the mess I made.

       Family dinner (?)


      Culinary trip!


Love comes slow, but it ends so fast

I lost the man I love and the man whom they said fancy me.
All I know is "regret" won't ever change a thing, but still, I feel sorry.
Today, a friend told me that I should have chosen the man who loves me, rather than the man I love.
I went speechless.
I'd say this post is silly bcs I'm trying to admit and accept and let go of myself.

My pal once told me, 
"You're a dove, and you can fly far far away, for fun.
But you'll come home in the end. To find whom you belong to."
To that I answered,
"But if I ever found a more comfortable home, 
I'd never return, don't you think?"

My answer was a boomerang to myself.
But not to him.
I flew away, but always came home.
Whilst, this man waited for too long, and he left.
He found a new comforting home, or homes.
I never see it coming.

Honestly, it was so close. 
If only he waited a little longer, if only I realized that I got mad bcs I was jealous.
If only he was smart enough to see the cues.

I tried to mend it. Even though fixing relationship sucks.
Respond was negative.
Now I see where I stand. People change, feelings change.
I love, but I don't beg. 
So I stopped wishing things would change.
This sounds like rationalization.

I don't know how, but it was sadness all around. And again now.
Well. He's stupid. Just stupid. That was the last thing I said to him.
Enough, maybe we'll never talk anymore, maybe I shall get a life.
It was the first time I stayed up all night to talk about another guy who's not B.

If he ever read this, maybe he has already hooked up. 
Maybe he would laugh at this, and everybody who knows would say I sound pity.
Who are you to judge?
But I don't feel so. This is not a heart break as the apocalypse I had 2 months ago.
I'm just trying to admit my slow-to-warm up personality, how I feel..

Tonight I'm gonna drink from the bottle to clear up my cloudy mind.
I must have been crazy for risking my pride.
Just be happy, am sorry for being a terrible girl. Lesson learned.
Women shouldn't lower their standard, chin up lady!


I need my oxygen back

I thought giving chance for myself to start over was a right thing to do.
I thought about letting myself fall and somebody else would catch me.
What I got was a big O.
Wrong person, wrong timing.
I lose confidence.
I fear living under shades forever.
Without distraction, I start running through the back door.
My heart thumps and I feel nauseous. Disgusted by insincere hearts.


The One That Got Away

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th Birthday
We got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about our future
Like we had a clue
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on (Whoa)

Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
It's time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse

But in another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]
The one that got away

All this money can't buy me a time machine (Nooooo)
Can't replace you with a million rings (Nooooo)
I should've told you what you meant to me (Whoa)
'Cause now I pay the price

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

A month, a week and a day

Hi, how's life pal?


She has to be used to it

She knows that she has always been a second option for anyone elses. And it was all her fault for believing that one day someone else will put her first, that she has to act like she's all OK with those craps. Every empty street she walks through, makes her fear walking any further. Sometimes she feels so helpless and in the middle of dusts, pieces of memories start chasing her, to bring her back to the one who hurt her most.
She felt so lost.



I touched her for the last time. Dad covered her body with a cloth and I gave her my headband that I was wearing as my honor to her for being with us for 8 years. We're going to bury her..

I lost my little girl today, 3 hours ago. It's raining like ever but it can't wash away the tears.
She's been my best friend, sister, company, she's an angel and one of my greatest gifts.

When I was younger, I prayed to God for all and both of us to grow old together, that I want to die before her. Selfish yes, I fear the pain of loss more than anything. 
Eversince she got cancer, I fear of losing her but I didn't know it'd happen so quickly.
I was so busy today, going home after college and off to work with macarons as lunch then home with short dinner then back to work. My biggest regret is that I haven't even seen or talked to her today.

Dear Melly,
Thank you for listening to my stories when no one was there, thank you for watching me cry at my lowest time, thank you for running to me every time I'm home, thank you for accompanying me and my family with faith for so long and thank you for your love. 

She's best in everything, she's adorable and the whole family is grieving bcs she's already part of us.
I'm so sorry for not taking care of you lately Mel. I love you so much, we all do.
Grandma will miss you as you're her only company when we're off to school or work.
Grandpa is always proud of you and compliment you as a good pet in front of everyone.
Mom looks ignorant but she cried for you, you know that your cuteness won her heart right?
Remember Dad was the one who bathed you last Sunday? He loves talking about you, you're not simply a spoil house pet like the others.
And me.. I'll miss sharing things with you, looking at your shiny eyes, having you running towards me..everything about you, Mel. As I will always say, you're more than just a pet for me.
I hope you rest in peace and be a real angel. Don't reincarnate. Being a human isn't that great as you always get something to lose it. And it hurts. But if you do, I'm sure you deserve a better place.



A text from 855

I feel sorry that I doubted everything.
It's either he has a radar or God heard me.
It's such a relief that my past wasn't full of lies, so at least I don't feel so dumb.
Having some friends and keeping self busy, loosen the soul a bit..my life is supposed to be this way, not as complicated as it was. 

After thinking for a day, I decided to take it cool and hold back as much as possible.
Just like old time, bring back that sensation I used to have, the light in my eyes and that smile again.
I'm not letting my heart breaks anymore. I've come to the longest time out and I finally stand up without a hand. 
This is how I live.
I might not be complete, but I like it this way. No anxiety.


A figure in red

I saw a figure. Looked like you.
What if..you lied to me. 
Should I find out the truth?


19 days

" I said it was all a bitter-sweet dream, that the memories I had in my head were all deja vu. But how do I explain these noiseless frozen states called photos?" , she asked.

It haunts me. When I feel sad or so, it won't stop chasing me. It's so hard to assure myself that it was merely a dream. The truth is I feel like..losing people around me and all I wanna do is fall back, and this is worse bcs I know that I'm all alone. 


Ceha's bday dinner

Fun to gather around again <3

These two girls are going back to Jakarta :(



1. Mirror- Justin Timberlake
2. Breakeven- The Script
3. Roar - Katy Perry
4. One Day You'll Be Fine- Kari Kimmel
5. Happy Ending- Mika
6. If You're Not The One- Daniel Bedingfield
7. Safe and Sound- Capital Cities
8. We'll Be Coming Back- Calvin Harris
9. I Love You This Big- Scotty Mccreery
10. Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke ft. T.I + Pharrell


If they love you, nothing will ever stand out of their way, right?

Ask me whether I was happy or not, I honestly don't know.
Right now, there's only one question about how I feel that I'm certain with. 

After 10 days, I'm still trying to keep my life on the track.
I'm building my life back, but it's collapsing rapidly. 
I know I hated working, but I never wished I'd have such bad accident. I sprained my ankle badly last Sunday. And I've been home like 4 days, doing nothing.
I've been stuffing myself with foods, movies ever since. Now I need more movies or else I dunno what to do anymore. Ew.
I'm not good at keeping people with me. I either accidentally punched them in the face or kicked them out of my life. When I do take care of them, they just disappeared.

Anyway, I've had quite many new experiences in my late 18th and early 19th. It feels so great although my young,wild and free 19th spirit is kinda trapped in this body which I'm taking care of delicately. 
Cheers :)



One Day You'll Be Fine

You told me to fight,  I gave it a try and hoped that you
were right.
I don't wanna stay to make it okay for just a while.
Oh, when i see how much you're hurting, I wanna do anything
to make it end.

It may take you, it may break you.
But you'll wake up one day and you will be fine.
It may haunt you, but it will stop soon.
And you'll wake up one day and you will be fine.

Its so hard to stop, I want to pick off where we left
off yesterday.

When you came to my door, all smiles before I said the
things that I said today.

Oh, when I see how much you're crying I 
wanna do anything
to make it right.

It may take you, it may break you.
But you'll wake up one day and you will be fine.
It may haunt you, but it will stop soon.
And you'll wake up one day and you will be fine. 

Songwriter(s):Kari Kimmel
Copyright:Criterion Music Corp. O.B.O. Tzviah Music


Fresh start (D-day)

had been suffering for so long, guess it's time to be open to sb else and just be grateful.
It was a tough yet beautiful one teary week. With you leaving this city, it should be easier for me to start over.

This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope, no love, no glory
No happy ending

This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

Chorus of Mika's Happy Ending. Well,it wraps the whole story.
Good bye B, may both of us have a good life, not together.

Again, I'm thankful for having my besties at my lowest moment. The company, the drink, the tears, the laughter and scream :)
Can't imagine what I'd have become without their support.

Liquor night, not alone ;)


Happy Eid Mubarak!

Holiday like finally. I was already pissed with my job. I guess teaching is not my thing after all?
I was happy with my part-time job but now that I have to work from Monday to Monday, I'm just exhausted.
Family time worths a thousand words. I must say that it is cool to have such happy little family.
Even though the journey took like 14-hour drive and I did mind that, the time we spent was invaluable. 

Going back to Parapat for the second time,this time we didn't miss the sunset! 
We got there quite late because of the traffic and...me?
There was something that I did beforehand, something related to B. I didn't regret it though. Will tell the drama later.
I love the weather, I love the view. Too bad I didn't get the chance to feel the freshness of Toba Lake water.
Anyway, it was great bcs we spent a night there and went to Sipiso-piso waterfall.
And thanks to dad for being such a safe and patient driver plus photographer of the days *hug*


Some kind of island which name I forgot. Tehee

My bro is super tall ._.

Nice weather isn't it?


I took this pic!




Lazy Sunday

I was asked to become MC for new students' gathering today, it was quite fun to reflect myself there. It feels as it was just yesterday when I sat and listened so seriously to my seniors *freshman*
Andddd as usual freshmen get special task from our lecturer which is: to ask for seniors' signatures n biodatas. 
I was being chatty today, still thinking whether I should be just nice or meaner when they ask for my sign lol. 
Anyway welcome to University of North Sumatera! May Lord be with you, always!

I'm still sick,for days, feverish and sore eyes, stiff muscles. When I saw red spot on my skin, I became paranoid. No dengue fever,NO!

Soo into smoothies lately, gonna try these!



Revenge is sweet,just. Sweet.

Today, I arrived at my workplace earlier than ever, I had a perfect wavy hair and I even took my breakfast. 
I didn't freak out with students and the best thing was that I had time for a nap.
So I thought today would be perfect but it turned out wrong.
Well, I won't be cooing about what had happened but I really wish that all bullies in every corner of this world would just burn in hell. They're worse than liars. Obv.

I hate to lose my pride, moreover; in front of others especially by those who can never put themselves in my shoes and feel what it is like to stutter.
I was so fed up that I don't even want to talk about it anymore simply because there are too many idiots in this planet.
Those immatures just don't get what patience and consideration is.

It's real hard to try to be nice after everything, but at this point, I'm gonna explode.
Everybody was born both angelic and demonic, well it's not that hard to be mean as it's our nature.
I know I appear alright but please, enough with forgiving and forgetting. 
I'm losing myself.

My health is still so so. November. Just wait for my come back,huh.


Quality time with the girls

Seeing Gab had posted about our 24hrs of togetherness, I feel like posting one positive day in my life too hehehe.
It has been ages since I posted sth good.
I did have fun gathering with all highschool fellows but nothing was real crazy as this one.
5 of us really spent nearly 24hrs together that I think we should buy a house and live together in it! Isn't it gonna be epic?
We had fun chit chatting and laughing during dinner, came out from the car to buy snacks n dvds and ppl were looking at us like...fantastic 5 (?).
Then we watched movies till midnight and gossiped till dawn..fell asleep, woke up and continued talking..dozed off and it was already 10 a.m!!
The next day we had brunch n went to watch The Conjuring.
Let's do this again!
I can't be happier as God sent these girls for me. They make me forget shits, help me to heal.
Thanks girls :*

Dinner time

Asoi,Gabi,Ceha,Pinle,me <3

Morning looks

They took this pic while I was showering with my ipad and set it as wallpaper!!

Leaving for brunch!


This is Life

What is life?
What do you want in your life?
Why live an unhappy life? 
Why gain happiness just to lose it?

I don't know what happiness is, but I think I'm not happy.
When I laugh hard, I feel like crying harder inside.
I'm not that light-hearted anymore.
Smiles feel stiff, eyes aren't that bright, heavy sighs, lousy look.
It hurts whenever I whisper to myself what I want in life because I never expect anything more than happiness, but I can't even feel it right now.

It's a cool morning. Again, I feel tired as I opened my eyes.
No, I'm not crying. I choose to come off strong just to end the day. Besides, I realize how ugly swollen eyes are.
And, I'm becoming more forgetful than ever. I had weird dreams. I woke up at 2a.m. Do you think those are the effects of mojito?
This young heart has suffered enough, a new start is what I need. Even if I'm cold and stiff and unhappy, life still goes on. I'm strong enough to live and breath in it.
Except I wish I could block all those memories.

Btw, I have made one more dream yesterday. No, I am not used to dreaming or hoping so..it better come true.
As soon as I've finished my study here, I'm studying abroad. Far far away.
I didn't plan to before, but I made up my mind...let's see in 3 years ;)


Celebrating My Nineteenth

The last year of having "teen" as the suffix of my age.
So live as a rocking teen to the fullest!
Thank you everyone for coming and for the gifts *kisses* ;)


Let it go

I'm turning 19,very soon.
And idk why but I'm not so excited abt it,anymore. You know why..
I was so hyped last month, I wanted to tell you how mature I've become, imagined what you'd say, couldn't wait for your silly revenge-for what I did on your birthday.
It feels like..waking up from a very sweet dream and I'm already close to 19.
I've let go. But it feels like sth is still missing. I have no courage to look back to search for the missing piece.


Mint and Beach

Latest, using line brush app.
I have hair issue with this model.

"I won't cry for you, my mascara is too expensive" - Adriana Lima

"The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know if they'll miss you or forget you."

Not feeling sick because of the fever and headache, more likely bcs I can't stop overthinking.
It almost come to an end. And I bet you see how much things have changed pal.

Everybody faces this,all we need to do is pass the crisis point.

Haven't heard a single news from you today, spent day laying and tried to study but couldn't.
Please sb, comfort me and tell me it's alright and that I'm strong enough to let go of everything and flip a new page.
Instead, I was refreshing instagram and looked into others' lives.
Really envy those who live by the beach or in fame and they have nice hair,smiles,curves and bfs to show the world. 
They said be yourself, but I can't help this little jealousy lol. 😩



Feeling awesome

Yesterday was my first time boarding alone. 7.40 flight,I took a taxi myself from the hotel at 5.30, arrived at the airport at seven, I nearly miss my flight really. Nevertheless,I feel great that I can take care of myself now. What I disputed a lot was my ticket cost which if I add up with taxi fee, I could have spent it on another pairs of shoes,those tops I didn't buy plus the bag which was on 20% sale!

So my surgery schedule will be on November 25th. The question is..can I endure that long?
What I'm saying is that my parents have spent much on my two feet and I really hope this time I'll recover and stop popping pills or seeing doctors. 

While mom and bro were staying at Genting, I spent time all by myself. Slept,ate,swam and shopped alone for a day and I kinda enjoyed it. Maybe after I've recovered I'll try traveling alone :D
Yes, only if mom would leave credit card and some cash again HAHAHA :p

Final exam is here,wish me luck.
Miss you btw.